A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife has a job in a male-dominated field. I would say it's about 85% men. It also tends to skew young. We are in our 40's, but most people she works with are 25-35. That means that the great majority of them are single or have girlfriends that they may or may not be serious about. (Here one day and gone the next.) I can only think of one other colleague of hers who is actually married and everyone thinks he is a stick in the mud. He actually sounds a lot like myself (trying to establish some groundrules) and I wonder if that's his wife speaking or just his age/experience - probably both.The nature of her work means that it is often not conducted at an office or other professional place of business. Sometimes it is (like when meeting her attorney) but often she meets with clients, prospective clients, investors, and the other people in her company at their homes, at coffee shops, at restaurants, at cocktail parties, and even at bars. She is on the board of a company in a start-up phase and doesn't have a real office yet, so everyone works out of their homes and on-the-go. She is constantly receiving work-related calls, voicemail, texts, and e-mails even up until 11pm (or sometimes later if someone stumbles in from an event at 4am with big news to share.)I can appreciate that life at a start-up is very hectic and she tells me "I am not having fun you know. This is stressful, but I really enjoy doing it." However, her young, unattached coworkers, clients, and investors are from a generation where they see no problem texting her at 11pm when we are settling down to bed. If it is an emergency I am 100% okay with that, but when I ask her what they want that is so darn important that it couldn't wait until morning she gets defensive. It is, truthfully, rarely that important. I told her that she needs to lay down some groundrules, such as "do not call me after 9pm unless it is very important and cannot wait." She is trying to do that with some success, but she is so wrapped up in her work life that I have caught her texting things like "Got your voicemail, can't talk now, will call back in the morning" or waking up at 6am to fire off e-mail before I wake up. I appreciate that she may be doing that to avoid upsetting me, but to me that is violating the spirit of the law so to speak. Why can't she do most of that during the day when I am at work myself? I feel like these people, these men (no women ever call after hours but that may be the percentages), are invading my life with her - our life together.I told her that her coworkers are young and unattached and don't have to answer to anyone, but she is a married woman and she needs to try to keep them a little more professional. It's not really a good idea to meet one-on-one at a bar and discuss business over drinks, say, especially when I am not invited. She says I am not invited because it is not social and they need to discuss business, often involving things like non-disclosure agreements. She did say she will try to invite me next time it is social (like a going away party), but so far I have only met one of these men for like two minutes when going to pick her up from a business lunch. I am not sure if most of them even realize she's married. She says that they know she is taken, but I am not sure how they would know unless she goes out of her way to tell them. I would expect her to say things like "I have to keep this short. My husband and I are in a hurry." or "Do you mind if I brought my husband?" or "I can't do it that night because my husband is taking me out." or "I love San Francisco. My husband and I were just there." - the sorts of hints I hear women drop - but she never mentions me. She does not wear her wedding ring. She never has except on special occasions because it is quite expensive and she fears it will be lost or stolen. I might ask her to change this and I have thought of going with her to buy her another "lesser" ring that she can wear more often. Not sure she will think this is sweet or just a way to control her. This was her mom's idea, by the way. Her mom has the feeling that she's surrounded by sharks so to speak and told me so.She says that her mom is old-fashioned and crazy. She says that that's the way business is done in her industry and I need to stop being so paranoid. I sometimes overhear the conversations with these colleagues and I hear them call her darling (as in "How are you, darling?" or "Darling, can you do a favor for me?" I don't like it. I don't call my female coworkers darling ever. There's also a lot of "It's been too long! I really missed you. We need to get together sometime and catch up. How about lunch next week? I am sooo looking forward to seeing you in person." I realize these are innocent enough sounding, but it also straddles the border between socializing and business. That is the way her business works (it is built on relationships much like sales is) but it all gets a little too familiar for my liking.One thing that grates on me is that often she is the one to request these meetings when they seem content to settle things over the phone. She says meetings are more productive. I told her that some guys might take her the wrong way when she suggests they meet for dinner because she is so sweet and fun to be with (not to mention gorgeous). She says that no one will ever try anything with her because they are involved, but I know that most of them are not involved seriously and even if they were men can be pigs. I wish she said "you can trust me not to reciprocate" instead of "they won't try anything." I told her "One of these days someone, maybe someone you don't know right now, will try something. I would." She looked at me like I have two heads.The CEO of her company is a young gay man and has a habit of falling for some of these guys. He tells her "I have a crush on so-and-so. See if he has a girlfriend. Find out if he is straight. Do you think he is interested?" She doesn't think that's right and can ruin business, but it sets an example for their corporate culture that it is okay to date the clients and investors. It's not like my 9-to-5 job where we are afraid to even compliment a person for fear of a lawsuit. Therefore, I feel some of these young guys (who also never held 9-to-5 jobs and are very laissez faire and unprofessional) somehow feel it is okay to be a little bit too friendly and casual for my liking. I told my wife to "keep it professional" and she says she does and that she and her married colleague are always the ones to complain about the late night phone calls and last minute margarita-fueled meetings. She says it will all change once they get an office, because she will insist on meeting there instead. I hope that happens. There is less probability of someone's intentions being misread that way.I don't suspect that my wife is cheating on me. However, I can see that she is energized by the lifestyle she is leading. Part of that is that she is at the beginning of something she thinks might become big for her professionally - big for the two of us. I suspect that part of it is also that she enjoys leading this fast-paced lifestyle of, basically, a young, single woman. It's something she never really got to enjoy as we married young (maybe too young - although she had many more lovers than I did and I don't feel I missed out). In fact, she once told me years ago that she loved me and was glad she married me but that she regrets she never got to "sow her wild oats." That possibility worries me. She is at the age where people have mid-life crises. I think that she feels that if she lives the lifestyle in all ways except for actually having sex with these men then she can get that out of her system in a harmless way. However, I don't think that she realizes that it can get out of control if one of these guys decides to take her up on it. She feels she is calling all the shots, but affairs of the heart can be difficult matters and emotions can be difficult to control. I prefer if she avoids dangerous situations because it's like playing with fire. On the other hand, it's her career and I cannot just tell her to stop all the socializing. I am having a hard time coming up with boundaries that would work and not make her feel like I am the jealous, insecure husband that I am.What also worries me is that she has a good heart and assumes that everyone she meets is on the up and up and that none of them might have an eye on her as she is "too old." I wouldn't even be surprised if some of them wanted to use her for her connections or her professional skills. Some of them have already tried to recruit her. I don't think she'd ever consider that a guy would flatter her in an attempt to gain something from her. She is very fit, youthful for her age (she told me most of the people she meets think she is their age and not 10 years older), and on a mission to fit back into the jeans she wore when she was 21. (She was a size 2 and now is a "pig-like" size 6.) Knowing her, it won't be long before she reaches that goal and turns even more heads. At the same time, I have gained a few pounds, my hair is thinning, and I am starting to look older than friends my same age. I have resolved to start working out to lose the weight for her and for my own health (I am not obese, but I am not fit like I was) but there are some things I can't fix (like my hair) and it breeds insecurities to see her hanging on the every word of these young, handsome men. (I have seen some of their photos in their bios online and she tells me how handsome some of them are, mostly in reference to why the CEO finds them attractive like : "Our new investor is like 35 and looks even younger. He some kind of high tech millionaire. I think he went to London School of Economics. He is really smart and we learned some good things from him. He just flew in from South Africa. He has a house there and one here. I think he has a yacht in Barbados, too. Can you believe it? He's really good-looking and always wears the snazziest suits. The CEO has a new crush. He needs to stop this.") Thanks for deflating my ego, dear. I feel like Ben Stiller in "Something About Mary" where he is told that Mary's boyfriend Woogie is All-State football and basketball and valedictorian with a scholarshipto Princeton but decided to go to Europe first to model. I am not sure how she would react if one of these guys came onto her. I would like to think she would not reciprocate. My concern is that she sometimes loses her mind when around men she is attracted to. I know enough of her history to know that there were times before she met me when she was bragging about being level-headed and strong-willed and then ended up sleeping with the object of her lust. Like anyone, I suppose, she can be weak. I shouldn't cast stones. However, I also get the feeling that sometimes she likes "trying men on" to imagine what life with them might be like. It's fantasy, but a sort of dangerous fantasy - at least in terms of the damage it can be to our relationship. It feeds my own insecurities and I feel she should be building me up when things are like this and not making light of my concerns.Hopefully, our marriage vows are enough for her to compose herself. However, most of these men are much younger and more handsome than I am, more socially adept (schmoozers I'd say) and a few are also quite wealthy and/or famous. She tells me about their lifestyles, how well dressed they are, how successful and intelligent and creative they are and it's hard not to feel jealousy when they are calling her at my home at 9pm and she races to return their calls - sometimes dropping everything we are doing together. (She burned dinner twice last week when she suddenly left the kitchen while we were cooking together and didn't leave me any instructions or even tell me she was going to return calls. She says she told me, but I know she did not. She even admits that she didn't give me the instructions to finish out the meal. I went looking for her after 20 minutes and she was on the phone.) I asked her if she saw me the same way (intelligent, creative, handsome) and she says she does in an honest way, but I have to fish those compliments out of her and there's this giddiness she gets when telling me about them or their homes or even their model-girlfriends that hits right at my insecurities as a man, as a provider. I don't think she realizes this and she'd think it was petty anyway.Like I said, she is better about it since we talked about it, but she still thinks I am being silly. There is one guy in particular she talks a lot to and I know he does not have a girlfriend. He called her twice last night (which she let go to voicemail) but then I heard her return his call first thing this morning (before she was even dressed) while I was in the shower. I think she was hiding it so as not to upset me and not because she said anything illicit, but it still bothers me. I was a little pouty and she said "Why are you pouty? Because I had to return a phone call? Ooooh." I told her not to tease me and how would she like it if all of my meetings revolved around meeting and texting attractive, successful. young, single women at all hours of the day. She got a good laugh out of that, probably because she realizes how unlikely that would be.I really, really want to be supportive of her. I told her that. I also told her that I need some extra attention from her during this phase, but she sees me as a whiny teenaged girl. ("Do you love me? Tell me you love me. You do love me right?") I told her I do not want to be jealous, but that I don't like some of the things going on and she has to respect that, respect me, and respect my feelings. She needs to establish boundaries and adhere to them. She needs to involve me more in her work (to the extent she can) so that these men realize she's not young, single, and playing the field like they are. She also needs to stroke my ego a little more than she'd normally like to.I feel like a complete tool for writing this. Most men would KILL to have a fit, desirable mate like I have. However, I really need some advice in dealing with my jealousy and insecurities. Especially appreciated is advice on how I can convince her that all of my concerns are not completely unfounded.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (16 May 2011):
I'm very glad your wife is making efforts to respect your feelings. Maybe she had no idea how much it was affecting you. But do remember that you need to similarly respect not push her for more than she is willing to give on her own. Just be careful that you don't demand that she do more and more. (from your original post you sounded very insecure about yourself, now you sound placated because she has done what you want. but you need to similarly make efforts as well and not make your security solely her responsibility, Don't rely on her to constantly send you notes telling you that you are #1 in her life)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2011): I am the original poster.I have noticed that since the events of last week there is a change in my wife. For one thing, she bought me a small gift (it was the thought that counts) with a card which told me that she loved me and that I am #1 in her life. Also, she has cancelled a few meetings and invited me to one of the more social occasions to meet some of her colleagues. We will see if we go together or not. She is much less often on the phone and the computer.She says that this is just a natural lull in her work, but I get the feeling there is something to it on her end. I have noticed her questioning whether meetings need to happen and pushing back more - especially on this one guy who is constantly pushing to have meetings and demanding her attention. I wonder if she is now questioning his motives or her own increasing involvement with him somewhat. That's hard to swallow if it's true that she was starting to develop feelings, but I am very glad that she is coming down in favor of me. Overall, I feel a lot more loved and it seems like she is making an effort for me. I don't think she realized how this was affecting me and, possibly, how wrapped up she was in this. We will see how this goes, but I am very optimistic and this is the best our relationship has been in some time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2011): actually, many many couples I know don't wear their wedding rings. (most people in my family don't wear wedding rings, in our home country people don't usually wear wedding rings).
my parents don't wear wedding rings, they've been married 40 years. My grandparents never wore wedding rings.
I don't think it means anything one way or the other if people wear their wedding rings or not.
but if you do want your wife to wear hers and she refuses, the question is why? Not bothering to wear a wedding ring is one thing. Actively refusing and resisting, is something else.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011): "She does not wear her wedding ring"This alone is a big red flag.What are wedding rings for? To advertise that you are not available. Do they prevent cheating? Not at all.However, the absence of one indicates probable availability, and the absence of one on a married woman or man, lacking a safety issue related to work e.g. some high tech or electrical work, indicates an advertisement of availability as well, assuming it wasn't lost or there isn't some other reason for it missing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011): I sort of went through something similar with my husband many years ago. towards the beginning of our marriage he was in a biotech start up and lived, worked and breathed it. Weekends and holidays too. he completely had no regard for our marriage as some times he didn't even come home! he claimed they all slept on couches at the work place. but why couldn't he at least call me to tell me he wouldn't be home. And yes there were women coworkers, there were rumors about him and one of his coworkers. he would get defensive if I asked or if I ever called him when he was at work, I was not allowed to even call to ask if he was coming home that night....on our wedding anniversary he surprised me with... a trip to another city to visit one of their investors. yep....I spent our anniversary dinner having to make polite conversation with his investor.
It hurt me very deeply that I wasn't even anywhere on his list of priorities, I was just an accessory for him to "enjoy" when it was convenient for him and he wanted a break from his work....very humiliating. But I didn't want to cry, nag, complain, because what good does it do if you have to cry and nag at your husband to come home?? that's pathetic. that doesn't make him want to come home, it just makes you a crybaby....So I just let him be...I should have divorced him but my religion doesn't allow it. so I mentally moved on, and I lived my own life. I was no longer upset because I had written him off, but I was starting to get bitter at having to be with someone I didn't want to be with, because I am constrained from ever finding anyone better. I gave up the idea on having a family because by now I hated my husband and coudln't stand the idea of passing on his genes.
years later, that company went bankrupt and he got a regular job as an employee at an established firm. No more fast paced life, no more heady excitement. Now just boring 9 to 5 corporate job for him. I think he went into a depression. he started drinking. Now he turned to me to fulfill his needs and the gaping hole in his life. I was like - who are you, do I know you? Oh, so NOW you expect me to pay attention to you and love you up and tell you what a great husband you are and make you romantic dinners and have great sex with you? GO TO #$%@!!!
but again, because my religion doesn't allow divorce, I stayed, living with a stranger who was now clinging to me pathetically and blaming me for our crappy marriage and all the problems in his life and his depression because I was the one rejecting him "for no reason" while every one else's wife was making them romantic dinners. More years passed like this, of him blaming me for his drinking problem and his depression. I met someone else and inadvertently fell in love. But I was still married and thus couldnt' do anything about it, so the guy I loved, reluctantly went back to his ex and married her and they have 3 kids now. Now I'm finally filing for divorce, amid protests from my religious leaders and church who are saying I'm the one to blame because I'm the one who wants to leave the marriage.
I don't know about your wife, but if she's like my husband, she is showing where her priorities lie. If you're not a priority to her, then you may go through several phases: panic, hurt, anger, resentment and then finally numbness and detachment when you've essentially broken up with your spouse and moved on in your mind but still physically in the marriage. it's a horrible place to be.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 May 2011):
 OP, thank you for your detailed explanations and update. Very helpful to understand your original post.
In my case, no, my fiance' was not jealous, he was often annoyed, yes , because my long working hours and rather whimsical scheduled interfered with our activities as a couple, but he did not feel threatened- we had a very solid bond at the time.
I think this is basically the problem, that your relationship went through some pressures and shake ups from which you have not fully recovered yet. Your wife's job is the occasion , or the trigger, for your anxieties, but not the direct cause. Because, I want to stress again, any reasonably attractive woman is used to get male attention whatever her job,- and if your wife were a bus ticket taker she'd meet a lot of males too. Of course they would not be as rich as your wife's clients- but the fact you assume she 'd be drawn to them just because they are rich says a lot about YOU, not about her.
I agree that it takes time to rebuild trust when for whatever reason cracks in it start to show, and that maybe your wife works in an environment that does not help. But I also think that if she did not respond more warmly or compassionately to what you told her - it's because, if we want at least to give her the benefit of doubt, she has not done and it's not doing anything wrong except being very enthusiastic about her job. Put it more bluntly, from her point of view, maybe she is simply working her ass off to bring home some of the bacon, - and if you can't appreciate that, well, that's your problem, not hers.
Keep your cool, and work to eliminate or minimize the stress factors existing in your relationship BEFORE she'd start this venture. No job is enough per se to break up a solid union.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011):
I am the original poster.
Chocoholic, you make some very good points. Thanks for the well reasoned response. In fact, thanks to all who responded.
Cindy, you sound like you might really understand the situation she is in as your work was similar. How did your boyfriend at the time react to the situations you found yourself in? Did you ever consider getting involved with any of the men you worked with? To answer your question, my wife works in an entertainment-related field. Lots of the people she does business with are young, newly minted money or else someone's kid (for instance, one is the child of a famous software executive who is one of the wealthiest men in the world). Most of them are not old men running Fortune 500s. This money is play money to them: $25K to $3M - usually $100-300K. It is not unusual at all that there is no office. In fact, I asked my wife this today and she said that what everyone seems concerned about is whether her company has a reputable attorney or not (they do). They never even ask about the office space. They want office space for themselves, not to meet clients and investors. The living rooms in question are the living rooms of their mansions as they seek audiences there - not necessarily my home. I don't think there's every been a meeting at my home. There is one coworker my wife has whose parents do own a large multimillion dollar home and sometimes the principals will meet there when they can, but it is a bit of a drive. Hope that makes sense.
I never, ever mistrusted my wife before - at least not at all close to this extent. However, I will say that before she worked in an almost entirely female-dominated field (arts-related) so it is not like she was like this when I met her. In fact, she once told me she didn't trust me around one of her beautiful young peers (who was married and who I never once met without my wife present.) There are some reasons I trust her less now than I did before, which I did not get into, but it has to do with her recently talking to an ex-boyfriend who sought her out (she ended that 9 months ago), the poor state of our own sex life, and an incident that happened some years past which caused me to wonder if she had a one night stand but which I decided not to push on (I doubt she would admit it if she did and I had only shaky evidence.)
Also, in the beginning of 2010 we had a very big fight involving her family. Her family has been a great strain on our relationship the last few years after being a great source of support for us early in our marriage. Things are much better in 2011 on that front, but at that time we almost split up as the pressures on us were so great. Let me say that my wife and I were in agreement about her family's incredible lameness (meaning we were not at odds with each other), but there were things they were doing which put an incredible strain on us financially and emotionally and took a toll on our relationship. Most of that has now been resolved. These mostly dormant issues are still fresh in my mind and are bubbling to the surface now in the face of her interaction with these other men. A week ago, I did tell my wife (paraphrasing):
"The timing of this venture is very bad. Not long ago I would have been more supportive and wouldn't be jealous or upset at all, but our relationship is in a more fragile state than it was. I know you have been faithful, but you have to forgive me as it is going to take some time to rebuild the level of trust I had in you. I am trying to work through this with your help and understanding. I don't want to be like this, but please understand where I am coming from and how I might be viewing things from my end."
After telling her that I expected her to apologize or at least voice support for me, but she was silent. My intuition tells me that she is still digesting and processing the situation and my words, because she said something four days later about "Remember how you told me about how you don't necessarily trust some other men? Well, there's this guy we are working with and..." From there it went into talk about some guy's potentially shady business dealings, but it meant that she had heard what I said and didn't just dismiss it out of hand. I know her well enough to know that that means she is probably considering what I had to say, but isn't sure what to do now, what to make of it, or how to respond. There's often a lot going on in that pretty little head of hers and I am sure that me adding to her stress level right now is not really what she wanted. However, it was driving me to crazy that I couldn't sleep, couldn't concentrate at work, and felt like I was walking around in a haze. I still feel like that sometimes, but less so after talking to her. At least I sleep now. At one point I hadn't slept a full night in three days and I was so jittery I would sometimes shake.
Thanks for your advice!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 May 2011):
I am insanely curious what's your wife's field : clandestine bets ? I don't know of any snazzy dressed , yacht owning serious investor who'd entrust his money to a company whose people operate from their living rooms.
Be generous and pardon me the bitchy comment, ( I don't doubt it's true, it just sounds really strange ! ) and:
- it sounds like your wife is letting herself to be a bit carried away by this fast- paced , exciting lyfestile.I think it's not really her fault, mostly it's her employer's fault, who tolerates , in fact encourages, totally unprofessional behaviour.
I used to work, several years ago, in a company and a field that required too a fair amount of socializing with clients, business lunch and dinners , etc. On top of that, most of our clients were foreigners from not very "feminist " countries, to use an euphemism; for these guys it was totally normal to try and entice a young female professional with gifts or even offers of cash, to pave the way to a more personal relationship. We had to walk a very tight rope, because it had been made very clear to us that any ,say, excess of socialization would have costed us our job- and at the same time we could not jeopardize the business and say " Hey you old fart, take this Gucci scarf and shove it up your ass ". But , I handled it correctly, and I was only around 25.
I am sure that an accomplished ,experienced lady like your wife can get her work done and schmooze with the best, without crossing
certain boundaries. Remind her that taking job calls at 11 p.m. , or firing e-mails at 6 a.m., or hanging out in bars way more than necessary, don't make her into the glamorous power-breaker she wants to be, in fact, that makes her look unprofessional, amateurish and a tad desperate ( professionally speaking ).
Keep your demands low, because after all you know you are not married to a teacher or a librarian, and can't expect her to act as one. But DO work out with her some ground rules to protect your privacy, dignity and special time together, and do not be afraid to insist that they are respected. After all,she is married to you, not to her job.
Said all that, though, yes, I think too that your main problem is your own insecurity.
You seem not to trust your wife at all, and that's very unflattering to her. You seem to assume that if some guy hits on her, she will authomaticatelly say yes just because he is younger or slimmer or better dressed than you. Why did you marry her if you mistrust her so much ?
You also seem to think that only single,young sharks in yuppish fields would hit on married women ( or all women, as for that ). The truth is, that if a woman is attractive, self confident and personable, she will be hit on by the most various type of men,married and single, of any age , in the most various settings,including the traditional ones. Hospitals. Law firms. Libraries. Banks. The White House ! ( Remember Monica Lewinski ? ) And if she is a stay at home mum, - she'll be hit on by the mailman or the grocer or her kids' music teacher.
If she loves her husband and wants to be faithful to him, she 'll know how to handle it, without the least problem.
Change yourself, and your poor self image, not your wife's job or personality .
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (11 May 2011):
I'm sorry to hear you're having to deal with this. This is my take on your situation, and you certainly don't have to accept or believe it:
It sounds like the real problem is not your wife's job or work habits, but your insecurities about yourself. Of course it's understandable why you have these insecurities, and that they are certainly triggered by her job and her behavior. But ultimately, they are your insecurities. If you found evidence that your wife did cheat on you, that would be completely different. But she hasn't done the thing that you fear which is cheating on you. Yes it's understandable and normal to want to make sure that it nothing does develop, but you can't actually control someone else. Even if she were to cheat, that is out of your control, believe it or not. You can't actually prevent her from cheating on you (if she were going to, that is).
It's clear that you are trying to control her. Again, it's understandable why you feel the need to do this, it's a normal reaction and you feel it's the right thing to do, that you are trying to protect your marriage. Control attempts stem from insecurities, which you do know that you have.
But marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership. So the problem with trying to control your spouse is that (a) it usually doesn't work, if it does it's just a band aid or temporary (b) even if it does work, the side effects are that the other person comes to resents you for it because you are 'making' them do something they really don't want to do and that they disagree they should have to be doing (c) IF you escalate your demands and controllingness, then it contributes to the break down of trust, and builds resentment, and thus deteriorates the relationship further.
You may say well HER behavior is what's deteriorating the relationship! It may well be that it's a source of relationship distress, but that doesn't mean that your controlling behavior isn't as well or even to the same degree.
Some of what you wrote stands out in particular to me:
"It feeds my own insecurities and I feel she should be building me up when things are like this and not making light of my concerns."
"I also told her that I need some extra attention from her during this phase,"
"I told her I do not want to be jealous, but that I don't like some of the things going on and she has to respect that, respect me, and respect my feelings. She needs to establish boundaries and adhere to them. She needs to involve me more in her work (to the extent she can) so that these men realize she's not young, single, and playing the field like they are. She also needs to stroke my ego a little more than she'd normally like to."
You're to be commended for trying not to be jealous, and I think you should continue to try not to be jealous and not give in to your urge to control her.
Your ego and your insecurities are your problem. That doesn't mean that she bears no responsibility for her behavior and it doesn't meant that she shouldn't be more considerate of your feelings. But in the end, she is not responsible for your feelings. Again - she should be more considerate of your feelings, but that doesn't mean she is the one who is responsible for your feelings. In other words, you don't have the right to demand (key word is demand) that she stroke your ego. Or that she should be building you up. Yes she should be doing these things, but of her own desire, it is not for you to demand it of her when she is not willing to do it on her own. The real problem is why isn't she willing to do it on her own - that could point to a deeper issue in the relationship's foundation.
By demanding (again, key word is demanding) that she do or not do certain things in her job despite her telling you that what she's doing is "normal" for her industry, you're also insulting her by telling her that she doesn't know how to do her own job or that her judgment is wrong - this will further cause her to resent you and cause a rift between you.
Another problem with trying to control her behavior by demands, when clearly she disagrees with you about it, is that she may very well compromise and grudgingly give in to what you want just to shut you up even though she still wants to do it so she finds ways to do it behind your back so you don't know. An example is when she makes phone calls or e-mails early in the morning or when she doesn't think you would know about it. In other words, you haven't really succeeded in eliminating her behavior that you're worried about, you've just driven it underground. This in turn makes you even more paranoid and thus you will have the urge to escalate your control attempts and it becomes a vicious cycle.
Another way that controlling behavior is toxic to a relationship is when it DOES work and she does give in to what you want even though she really doesn't want to but feels she has no choice, you have basically been reinforced for being demanding and controlling which means that the next time another issue comes up that concerns you, your first reaction is to go back to being demanding and controlling again, because it worked the last time to bring you relief...that's a slippery slope for you. then you will have a tendency to become more and more controlling and even if she really was OK with it the first time cos it was only one time, now she won't be OK with it anymore when it becomes a pattern in the relationship and then you have the problem of resentment, mistrust, secrecy, paranoia etc anyway. And those things will cause you to drift further apart emotionally. The further apart you drift due to resentment and mistrust, the greater the chance of her straying from the marriage which is the very thing you don't want to happen.
Another thing is that, by demanding that she "needs" to stroke your ego or build you up, you are not only trying to control her (which leads to resentment) but ironically you are handing over total control of your emotional health to her, even though she doesn't want that responsibility. That is not good for you because it means that whether you become a nervous wreck on any given day, or are able to function normally, is not up to you, it depends on what she's doing. You will become even more of a nervous wreck than you are already because your mental health will depend on her, and she's drifting further away from you the more you try to control her.
Therefore I think that you should stop trying to control her behavior, and instead focus your energies on trying to control your insecurities. She has already told you that her working behaviors are normal for her industry, and that she doesn't believe there is reason for you to worry about infidelity. So, stop trying to control her. IF she is lying about these things and there really is chance that she will cheat on you, then your relationship already had problems to begin with and it goes far deeper than her current work habits, and your trying to control her work habits will not solve anything just worsen it. IF she is not lying about these things and everything she says is true, then by trying to control her for the sake of your own ego could mean that you are destroying the relationship (because of the toxic effects that being controlling has on a relationship).
Therefore, knowing that control attempts cause mistrust and resentment from the other person and thus a further deterioration in the relationship, try to stop doing that so that YOU are not contributing to the break down of the relationship.
Does this mean you should keep quiet? no of course not. You definitely should be telling her your insecurities and concerns. You should be telling her that you would very much want her to change her behavior. But there is a difference between DEMANDING she change her behavior versus REQUESTING it (meaning respecting that she has the right to make her own choices even if it really upsets you) and giving her accurate information about how you feel, what your fears are, and letting her feel free to make the choice of what to do with that information.
Hopefully she will make the choices that make you feel better. But if despite the information you've given her about your fears and concerns, she still chooses to behave the way that upset you, then turning the request into a demand will probably just worsen an already shaky relationship. And besides if she's choosing not to change her behavior despite the information you've given her, then THIS exposes a deeper truth about the state of your relationship and about whether you really know your wife like you think you do.
I know you're afraid that she may cheat on you. It's totally understandable to feel this way. But that doesn't change the fact that you really can't stop your partner from cheating on you IF she is going to. If, for whatever reason she were going to cheat on you, she would eventually and somehow. The only way to physically prevent your partner from cheating, is to lock them up in a prison cell 24/7 and only you have the key, or restrict her life so much to the point of her being miserable. Obviously that's unrealistic.
The best you can do is to maximize the chances that your wife will want to control herself (not for you to control her behavior for her). The best inoculation against infidelity is to have a very strong, healthy and loving and close bond with your spouse. ...when spouses have a great relationship, then loyalty and concern for their partner's feelings tends to follow naturally. (and when partners try to control each other against their wills, that usually weakens the bond and makes a relationship even less healthy)
Trying to control her by demanding she do this or don't do that, may give the illusion that you are protecting your marriage by preventing her from cheating. And if the relationship is weak, then this may work in the short term. But even if it does, it can't be kept up forever if the foundation isn't strong. Once you start forcing your partner to do things against her will, you will always have to keep applying this pressure on her to make her continue to behave hte way you want, because she didn't want to do it of her own accord. this is likely to deteriorate your relationship and thus make infidelity more likely.
Worst case scenario: let's say that you stop trying to control her, and you "let" her behave however she wants. And then your worst fear happens and you find out she is cheating on you. That means that your relationship had big problems all along. Having been more controlling probably wouldn't have stopped the infidelity just postponed it or made it sneakier. A spouse should want to stay faithful of their own accord, that's what a healthy relationship is. Controlling your spouse's behavior to prevent them cheating on you, is only a temporary fix and covers up the real problem.
So, some things you could tell your wife:
1. tell her that you do feel insecure and that it would make you feel better if she changed her work habits (list specifics as you've done here). But don't DEMAND that she do this, don't DEMAND that she needs to respect your feelings (she should be, but not because you demand it but because she wants to. If she doesn't, you have deeper problems in your relationship)....
2. Don't make it entirely her responsibility to stroke your ego or build up your confidence or curb your insecurities. If you're very insecure that she's hanging around younger and attractive men, that's your self esteem issue to deal with, not solely her responsibility to puff you up. Even if she were to do it, your relief would only be superficial anyway because deep down inside you still dont' feel good about yourself so it very well end up that she can never do enough to keep your ego afloat, if you depend on her to stroke your ego that is. So, try to work on building your confidence in yourself. I know this is easier said than done. Even if you don't feel it, try to restrain yourself from demanding that she take care of your insecurities. Know that you ARE competent and attractive the way you are. If you don't feel it, make positive life changes on your own that will build your confidence - like working out more, spending time with friends and family who validate you etc. Just don't make it entirely her responsibility and hers only to keep your ego afloat, that's too much responsibility for one person to bear. If you can become more confident on your own, it will show through and you probably will look more attractive to her as well (women tend to find insecurity in men a turn-off)
3. Give yourself a realistic timeline for when you will cease your demanding and controlling behavior, before you re-assess the situation. Even if you stopped being demanding today, it's unlikely anything will change by tomorrow or even next week if some damage to the relationship has already been done by it.
4. When you talk with your wife, suggest ways that she can modify her work habits (not just curb them) that would also make you feel a bit better. E.g. she doesn't wear a wedding ring because it's too expensive that she feels uncomfortable. So why not buy her a cheap wedding band to wear to work. But again: request, not demand. Give her the choice to not do as you want. and if she doesnt', then you should learn to deal with your insecurity, or seriously re-evaluate the very nature of your marriage if something that means a lot to you means nothing to her (maybe it's a communication problem, or maybe it's a much more serious problem)...
4. Her dropping everything to take business calls from coworkers: she has told you that this is normal practice in her industry, so you should tell her that you're unhappy with it, but still learn to accept it. Request that she not take calls after a certain hour, but not demand it as you have been or nag her into it. Make the request, then drop it. And if she doesn't honor your request, don't start blaming her or criticizing. Instead, learn to deal with your insecurities on your own. Then after some time has passed, again make the request and see if anything changes. Maybe when you stop being demanding, she may eventually feel more inclined to do what you want. And if not, you should learn to deal with your insecurities on your own anyway because she's told you that this is normal practice in her industry.
5. some times you have to confront an ugly truth about a relationship that you may not want to see. It could be that she just may want a very different lifestyle from you. People change, and maybe she has. Some times spouses change and grow together in the same direction, other times they change and move in opposite directions. You may have to re-evaluate what kind of a marriage you are realistically able to have versus what you want to have. If your wife wants a very different lifestyle from you, and you've compromised as much as you can but it's still not enough, then control-attempts to bring her in line against her will, is not a healthy solution (it may be a temporary solution but lead to a lot of misery in other areas). Instead, you may want to seriously examine your relationship with your wife and why you and your wife are not on the same page. If you find that you feel you "have" to demand and control her otherwise the marriage is not what you can live with, then something is very off and maybe you should seek marriage counseling.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): Most men would be filled with horror at her behaviour. She may look hot and that's great but at what price to your wellbeing? You knew what she was like before you married her. I think she will slowly drive you insane.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): Hey man!Im 26 and single. I feel you here. It's about trust and communication. I think your wife does indeed need to set some boundaries for these men so they get a clear signal that she's taken and shouldn't be disturbed at certain hours. Boundaries should be set because you are in a serious relationship, namely marriage and well, other men are unpredictable, and some men are not honorable (I knew a guy who knew a guy and his client organise an orgy - some men do things like that). The bars and nightclubs... no. restaurants and coffee shops okay. That would work well as a public meeting place compromise. Nothing may happen at a bar or nightclub meeting BUT she shouldnt even put herself at risk of unfaithfulness.. and she's putting herself at risk in that sort of environment.Tell her you don't like her talking about the other men and their stupid homes and yachts and possessions. Be respectful when bringing it up and just say you take such a statement to appear to suggest that you are 'not good enough for her', even though that is not true. But when she talks like that it appears that is what she is implying. Then have her tell you for reassurance what you do offer her that makes her feel "alive".If I were you I'd spice things up and when she comes home from work, be ready to go at her lol. She comes home from a hard day at the office, stressed, she'll need some release. Make her dinner even man... you dont need her instructions lol. That'll impress her a lot and then you two can go have fun. Get creative pal, women like it and especially when you take the initiative. Best on this. Dont let those thngs she tells you get you down, you seem like a real nice guy and good husband.
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