A
male
age
36-40,
*rOveranalysing
writes:As I grow older I recognise things that make me hurt and angry. One of those things that trigger me is when good friends stay friends with people I dont think are nice people and are mean, Another is friends dating people i dont like, also when freinds sleep with people they know i have a history with...My friends take the view that some people are like 30% douche bag or whatever, and they take the rough with the smooth, my view is why focus on someone is a douchebag at all, find someone who isn't rude to anyone. They argue that their connections to other people are nothing to do with me, but somehow in my upbringing I recognise that i feel that someone sleeping or befriending someone u have a hsitory with having known the drama is somewhat disloyal and dangerous.i wouldn't pursue someone a good friend has had a troubled history with...Its risky because u don't know the agenda of either person and it could be a manipulation. My friend argues sex is sex, and i guess as long as its consensual its none of my business. Its a question of boundaries.The two question i have for you are a) if you tell someone how u feel, and they're like "that's not my problem, u don't decide who i'm friends with or dating...", or "i'm a good friends with this person, it's your problem ", you recognise a different in boundaries or simply that they don't see ur friendship as important enough...b) Do you think getting upset if someone sleeps with someone else, that you had a thing for and history with is immature? or is sex just sex and doesn't bear thinking about...My logic is if they really like someone go for it, otherwise its self absorbed and asking for drama.
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male
reader, MrOveranalysing +, writes (25 November 2016):
MrOveranalysing is verified as being by the original poster of the question CindyCares, thats a very helpful response. I dont think the previous poster calling me simply a drama queen for having two housemate dramas in the space of 4 years was helpful or understanding situation but dropping to labelling someone. I take on board all your points, and see them as very wise, particularly last one. I do believe that there is such thing as bro and sis code that i expect from those close to me. This is where value systems come in, because he might not see it this way, which is why as a friend I have to take a step back. If i see a good friend is a heavily crushing on someone (not everyone, but someone and not on a regular basis) I will back off as the last thing they need to see is a friend hitting on someone you like. If I really like that person, I will do them a courtesy on letting them know I was going to go there. And I'm definitely not someone who crushes heavily and often, this was a very unique example. He sat for hours with me hearing about how confusing situation and painful situation for me was. I've deliberately stepped away from people who were off limits, at least until a time that i was sure it was ok to go there. If you have a friend who is a serial charmer, and doesn't know when to stop or care how it might hurt others feelings. Then logically, either i loosen up and accept that someone who doesn't share same boundary definitions as me, will go for anyone that they see fit, there wont be a consideration of me. This same friend also dated an ex which i encouraged, and proceeded to explain to me that said ex was the best ass he'd ever had (not so classy).
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 November 2016):
 I don't know if I follow your reasoning, OP... It seems to me that we are mixing together separate issues here :
1 ) if you mean that your friends should not hook up with anybody you had " something " in the past, again, I have to insist on " it depends " from what ,how and when . A crush, a physical thing, a relationship ?... That's really something to judge case by case. If you are someone who crushes hard on somebody new every 2 months,... then your poor friends would be doomed to a lot of restrictions :)
2 ) Are you annoyed that your friend is a flirty, seductive personality, a " professional " charmer ? I don't know... speaking in general , I think he is within his rights even if he casts his nets wide and far.. as long as he does not hit on someone who IS with you...He casts his nets, you cast yours.. may the best man win, lol .
Personally , I would be not annoyed by, but BORED to tears with a friend, of any gender/sexual orientation ,who has only in mind the next hot piece of ass and can't think of anything but scoring. For me, that's not so much a moral thing or value system thing, it's more that I want friends with whom I can talk about other things too beside sex and sexcapades... books, movies, politics, heck even pop culture gossips would be better than ALWAYS hot pieces of ass. So maybe you may be not intellectually compatible with this friend ?
3 ) If instead you are making it an issue of loyalty , in the sense that your friends should never " ally " themselves with people you had incomprehensions or arguments in the past...I think you should try to lighten up a bit, OP. I remind you of my example of the restaurant- if you got terrible service there once, not necessarily they will give terrible service to other customers. Let rhe customers try and judge by themselves, maybe they'll prove you right, but also maybe not.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 November 2016):
 My opinion is that you are a drama queen and you make a big thing out off everything so all the attention is on you.
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A
male
reader, MrOveranalysing +, writes (24 November 2016):
MrOveranalysing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThats very black and white. How about I stay friends with him cos cutting someone loose is dramatic and over reactive., also if ur reaction to all situations is cutting someone off. Then you'll send up with no friends and a reputation. I keep him as a friend, demote him and keep him apart from any romantic situation and dont confide in him.
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female
reader, Slippers +, writes (24 November 2016):
If this is how your friend operates then either learn to live with it and back of when he does or cut him loose simple as that .
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male
reader, MrOveranalysing +, writes (24 November 2016):
MrOveranalysing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDefinitely worth reflecting over agreed. Yes I am sensitive, and over analytical, also i react. But also that I react in a way which creates drama as you said, to situations that actually aren't pleasant to be in. The difference is anyone could end up in my situations that could end up being volatile and actually lack of communication and inability to not let feelings overcome me and not hold them in. There isn't drama with said friend, only a realisation that yes i dont own this friend or anyone, and they are free agents but also that if i had seen this friend as a close friend, i should rightfully be questioning if he sees me that way. or else we have different value systems. I recognise I can't control someones actions, but only so much can we take responsibility for things as adults. If a friend is constantly trying to seduce people around me and the net is so wide that i feel like i have to look over my shoulder all the time, should said friend be close to me? Everyone has universally saying "you dont anyone", but would you let someone close to you who has such a different value system than you, that a hot pice of ass comes before their friend? Regardless if i had a relationship with other guy or not.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 November 2016):
Thanks for clarifying , OP- otherwise, it would have been really a strange story leaving all of us scratching our heads:)
Nevertheless, and taking into account the due interval of time, I think my conclusions weren't so off the mark :... big drama over nothing with hetero roommate ... after 3 years big drama over ? ( not clear what, exactly ) with gay roommate, ... one year later, more drama brewing with your friend...
I honestly would ask myself a few questions, OP... It won't be that, beside being Mr.Overanalysing, nu ay chance you are also Mr. Over sensitive, or M. Overreactive ?... No disrespect meant, but... it's a possibility to ponder ,at least.
When the same thing keeps happening, it is rarely just a coincidence to which we did not contribute at all....
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male
reader, MrOveranalysing +, writes (24 November 2016):
MrOveranalysing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you have connected a situation from 4 years ago to one that was 1 year ago. This is not the same room mate. My last room mate who i had feelings for what not hetero. I dont think id develop feelings if he was.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 November 2016):
It gets confusing then !...
Anyway , if the ex roommate is the same your friend is supposed to stay away from, - personally I would file this under " Much ado about nothing ".
An alcoholic , hetero roomate gets drunk and says something out of order, as drunkards would do. You are thin skinned, get hugely offended , make a big drama out of a crossed wires kind of thing- and the hetero guy becomes your archienemy whom your friends should shun. Uhm, no. Not cool.
Variation on the above :
you are secretly in love with the hetero guy, even if you deny this in your previous post- and he gets subliminally creeped out by that , so he makes the wrong assumptions,also aided by an excess of alcohol. Very possible you know ? If you are in love with someone, some people can feel it, at times, even if you do not say , declare or do anything special. If you had the hots for him he felt it ; he may have drawn the wrong conclusions, insofar you were not actively hitting on him, - but apparently he was not so wrong in assuming your romantic interest. About which he was not pleased. And, ... is he "mean" because he does not appreciate your romantic interest ?!
Conclusion in both cases ; YOU stirred up a big drama out of a banal misunderstanding. Do not fault your friend for that.
Now what is confusing to me, is why , and when, this married with kids , hetero- and slightly homophobic- guy - has turned " top or bottom ", and why your friend is so sure he could have sex with him. But that's another story, I guess. Or maybe, your friend too is another one who's big on making assumptions without first having all the facts.
Or perhaps are we talking about a third roommate ? Not the married guy but all another person you were in love with ?... So you were having drama with the hetero guy , who was not your type, but also with the other roommate who was ?...
In this case, OP, you need to look within, as Chigirl suggested. Drama with the hetero roommate... drama with another roommate.. and now drama with your friend.
It's improbable that you just have a cursed cloud of drama following you around- more probable that you act and react in a way which is bound to stir up drama, and this is something that only you can change....
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 November 2016):
 OP if that is the deal in your previous question then I'm completely baffled.
You said in that question that you see it as a completely platonic relationship and would never date a housemate. Now you're saying you were in love with him for the whole period of living there?
You also said previously your housemate is straight with children, so why would your friend think he's interested? I'm seriously lost here.
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female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (24 November 2016):
OP - if you weren't entirely honest about your feelings for this room mate in your post at the time, perhaps your friend doesn't KNOW the depths of your feelings and thinks that it's so long in the past that you will no longer be affected by it.
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female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (24 November 2016):
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/gay-with-an-unstable-roommate.html
I believe this is the previous question by the OP at the time of the drama with his room mate. (Although in this post he says that he was not attracted to his room mate in the slightest)
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 November 2016):
I agree with cindy, still not enough info.
Yes you were in love with this guy, but was it sexual? Did you actually hook up? Or you just fell in love with him and he didn't know?
I don't think you can be upset with your friend if nothing actually happened with your roommate . If he didn't think of you in that way then it's unfair to say you don't want your friend to speak to him if there's a chance these guys might like each other.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 November 2016):
Thank you for your update, OP, yet to me it still does not provide enough info to let us saymore than " it depends ".
So, you were in love with your roommmate " for the entirety " .. and then , what happened ?
Were you friendzoned ?, did you become casual fuck buddies ?, did you have a relationship ? How long did the entirety last,.. 3 years,... 3 months ? Where did the drama come from : from you two being incompatible although having strong mutual feelings, or from you wanting more than the loose , non exclusive involvement that your roommate was willing to give ?.. How long ago did all this happen, how long ago did you move out ?...
What I am getting at, is , IF ( I am not saying it is so , but IF ) you are the type of person who holds grudges forever... or who has a super extra hard time moving on after a break up... or who gets naively stuck into this-is-clearly-going-nowhere type of situations.... well, personally I do not think you can make your fruends responsible for YOUR flaws and weaknesses, and demand that they regulate their dating life accordingly.
Also, this ex roomate may be objectively a mean person, OR his ways may have FELT mean to you due to circumstances or to a bad match- maybe with another person ( like your friend ) he would not act the same way. Maybe they are more compatible and would get along like a house on fire, or more probably, they would leave it as casual sexual fun with no need for any drama and any hurt feelings. I mean, you can't decide someone is a total douchebag just because he was not willing or able to return your love .
Are you still carrying a big torch for the ex roommate, and your friend knows it or can easily imagine it ? Then yes, your friend COULD ( not SHOULD, but could ) be more understanding and sensitive .
But, if you are OVER the drama, and it's an episode, albeit unpleasant, of your past- then what you are saying to your friend is " you are not allowed to go near anybody with whom I may have had, for whatever reason, communication or interaction issues in the past " and, IMO, that's really too much. You would not FORBID your friend to patronize a restaurant where you got terrible service , nor terminate the friendship because he insists in dining there against your advice .
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (23 November 2016):
I go with you can't picl or chose who friends or family will date or marry you can only as a friend .. listen and support and not judge .. The latter is hard yes it is ..But your not them .. also friends could fall in love with your ex but be a better fit .. does that mean your friend doesn't care for you .. no it means it happened .. I don't advocate that myself and would never have dated someone a friend did but sometimes emotiona do get the better of you
And depending on the length of time you've been apart .. etc if it's been years etc
However you can't chose who their with and they can't chose for you .. its their life as a friend be a friend ..
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female
reader, Slippers +, writes (23 November 2016):
I go with you can't picl or chose who friends or family will date or marry you can only as a friend .. listen and support and not judge .. The latter is hard yes it is ..But your not them .. also friends could fall in love with your ex but be a better fit .. does that mean your friend doesn't care for you .. no it means it happened
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 November 2016):
 I think you need to work on yourself and figure out why this bothers you. Or, why you let it bother you. You choose who you want to be, dont blame you upbringing. You are more intelligent than so, youre not destined to be a man so overly concerned about his ego that he thinks he has the right to judge or control others. Work on reaching zen instead.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 November 2016):
 Also in the NOT YOUR CALL to make camp.
No one has the right to tell someone who they can or cannot be friends with or who they can or cannot sleep with (well sleep with the only person who has a say is my spouse)
In fact, I had some friends that when I started dating my husband said "us or him" they are no longer friends and he is my husband. In my opinion anyone who makes demands like that is not worth the effort to be friends with them.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 November 2016):
Oh my, it must be quite a demanding job to be your friend and to abide by all your rules and regulations !
" If you are not WITH me- you are AGAINST me ": do you know who used to say that ?
Mussolini. It did not end happily for him.
Your friends do not have to do or think all which you feel is right , they have their own ideas and values and they are entitled to apply them in their daily life including when selecting a partner. You can give them your opinion, or warn them against something , if you really have to- But after that , let them be. You can be friends and agree to disagree about certain things.
Ditto for your second question. With a pinch of salt and of common sense, of course , as advised by other posters. Who's the girl ? You ex wife with whom you share lots of history ? The girl who broke your heart and it took you five years and several shrink sessions to get over her ?... then no, some sensitivity is in order. On the other hand, you can't just call dibs on any person you had maybe an one night stand or a little fling or just a crush ten years ago ! You may have kissed them , or more - you haven't fire branded them with your initials !
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 November 2016):
 I'm on the "none of your business". Now if your friend ASK:" so what do you think of Bob?" you can be honest... but they should NOT moderate whom they TALK to, SLEEP with or DATE to suit you.
That would be ridiculous. It has nothing to do with how they view your friendship.
And just because YOU don't like a guy/gal a friend is sleeping with, doesn't mean your friend SHOULD feel the same way. You aren't a couple of clones, right? And OP, since when is your JUDGEMENT more important than that of your friend? Taste in partners is individual.
If your friend knowingly dates or sleeps with a douchebag, that is on her. IF you can't handle it, maybe you should BE her friend.
Now I Get It if your friend KEEPS going back to an abusive partner and then keeps wanting to unload on you and lean on your for support. THAT get's old real fast. And it can make you (general you) feel like you are the one enabling a friend to continue an abusive relationship.
But no, I don't think you as a friend have a say in your friend's bed-fellows. I find that attitude controlling and not that of a good friend.
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male
reader, MrOveranalysing +, writes (23 November 2016):
MrOveranalysing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is my former housemate, I was in love with him for the entirety, we had a huge drama and havent spoken since which involved me leaving. My friend chronicled all this, and i confided everything in him, he even stayed at my house. they had never met before and said friend nonchalently said "hey i had coffee with your old housemate in your old living room. Btw is he more a top or bottom?"
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (23 November 2016):
It depends.
What kind of history ? You kissed each other? Slept together once? Dated for 5 years? This is a little vague.
If you hooked up once that's not really a great deal of history and I wouldn't really think anything of it. If you were together then that's a different story and they shouldn't really go there if they're a good friend.
As for the being friends issue, I don't really think thats any of your business. I have friends that like people that I don't get on with, but that's none of my business to get involved with as they obviously have things in common that I don't share with that particular person.
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