A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm becoming overwhelmed with pessimism. I'm dating a wonderful man, but I'm starting to think there are just too many obstacles for us to get married.He had a vasectomy years ago, and is willing to get a reversal, he still has his name on a mortgage with his ex wife that he can't get out of. Plus, I would have to move several states away from my home state and friends/family to be with him (he's very involved with his kids and doesn't want to leave them behind, whereas my son's father is barely involved. He also doesn't make a lot of money-not the most important thing-but it is important.I really do love him. I think he would be a good partner and a good father to my son-but how much sacrifice is too much?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 January 2014):
 His name on the mortgage is a big huge problem. and until that is resolved and he is totally extracted from a financial relationship with his his ex I would not make any changes. Of course paying child support is not a financial relationship with his ex... that's a responsibility to his child.
he can get out of the mortgage.. she has to refi the house and buy him out.. and if she can't afford it they have to sell the house... it's a no brainer.
as for the vasectomy... reversal rarely work.. are you willing to never have another child or have invitro if it's that important?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2014): In my mind maybe it's too much. Your own child is the key factor here really. I don't think you can justify uprooting his life to take that kind of risk with a guy you really just don't know what it'd be like to live with. You know perfectly well that even the sweetest of people can be a nightmare to live with, that's always a risk.
Unfortunately as a mother some risks are not worth taking.
OP money as you said isn't important on principle, but in terms of practicality it is here. He can't provide for you and your son and his kids, mortgage etc. Now your plan is probably to save some cash, have a bit of security and find a job. But if things go wrong then you're stuck and things could go very wrong.
Even if you didn't have a son I'd be wary but there are too many cons to this plan and the only thing pro is get to be closer to this guy. I honestly don't think that's enough but of course it's your life, your future I just think while your son is still not an adult you can't take this kind of risk just to be with a guy. It is a pretty tough situation to jump into and money could become a thing that creates stress and stuff too.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (14 January 2014):
Hi there. His name on the mortgage loan is a problem, right from the outset.
And the fact, he says he can't get out of it.
And the obvious reason, being that it is easier for his wife to live there with his children - rather than sell up and have to move out.
I can honestly see the logic in that, as it is all round easier.
Although, it still leaves him with a part responsibility to still repay the mortgage loan.
I am assuming that his ex wife also works and so contributes to payments towards the loan.
And depending on how many years they have already been paying the mortgage for, there are probably many more years of payments still to go before the house is owned.
And that would take a huge toll on his weekly wage, no doubt.
Plus, the fact where they live is states away from where you live now.
And he naturally wants to be a big part of his children's lives, as any responsible father would.
It is a very challenging situation for you to be in, and I can understand how you must be feeling about everything.
Where you live now, you are probably close to where your own family lives, and so you don't want to move too far away from them either.
The sad and unfortunate truth here, is that even if this whole situation was in your own state, the biggest problem is the ongoing mortgage loan that he still has to pay - because his wife wants to stay there with the children.
And so that presents money issues for you and him, if you were ever to actually consider marriage.
And as well as that, he still has to pay child support for every one of his children until they are all 16 years of age.
And that could be ten years or more.
It sounds rather depressing, doesn't it?
I'm sorry for that, and yet it is absolutely essential that we look at all these things individually, as they will affect you directly - if you were to consider settling down together.
And so to make an informed decision about this relationship, you DO need to look at everything involved, to get an accurate picture.
So the problems are:-
(1) He has an existing mortgage for the house he was living in, which his wife and children are still living in.
(2) He has to pay child support on all of his children, until they all reach 16 years of age.
And that could be 10+ years.
(3) He lives several states away from where you live, and you would have to move to be with him.
I can see why you feel so pessimistic.
The only real possibility here to resolve the mortgage issue, would be if they sold they house.
Is there any possibility at all, that they might reconcile their marriage?
If there is, well then that would be an excellent reason to not sell the house.
Do you know exactly, what the situation is regards that?
If you haven't talked about this with him as yet, well then now might be a good time to do so.
The sooner, the better.
Because, until you know exactly where you stand, you can't move on with your life.
At the moment, you are kind of stuck.
So what you need most, is clarity.
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