A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I've been seeing my bf for the last 3.5 years, but our sex life has been non existent for the last 2.5 years. I have had lots of reasons why which I always doubted but because we do love each other and get along so well that I accepted that we have a deep friendship and we don't sleep together. In the last year I have resolved all of his excuses for not sleeping with me and still get no sex! he did manage it once last july but that was over fairly quick! I have become increasingly upset and almost resentful towards him but still get all kinds of reasons why it never happens. Yesterday, he slept over and again no sex! I couldn't hide my resentment and unhappiness so he blew up at me, calling me stupid and an idiot for asking him to stay over and then behaving like a child because I can't hide my feelings of being let down again! He stormed off to work but phoned an hour later saying he'd miss me if we finished. eventually, he told me I have got too big for him and he didn't want to look at a 'gut' . Basicly, I'm 5'3" and 140lbs when we met, then slowly gained to be 148lbs until last august. In September I had a hysterectomy and since then I have gained another 10lbs from having no activity as part of the recovery which I am now tackling with diet and exercise.I'm not sure if I should accept my weight gain has put him off me so much over the last couple of years that he couldn't have sex with me or maybe end it and sort myself out.We do get on extremely well and make each other happy just being together and I know he finds me attractive facially but not my stomach!and he has no medical issues with sex at all!what are other peoples thoughts on this?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (14 January 2014):
 I'd turn him from boyfriend into ex-boyfriend, carry on with the healthy lifestyle and choices and merrily go on my way.
He obviously has other issues and isn't being honest. If he can't be honest after this amount of time, he never will be. There's a reason corsets and lingerie were developed!
Cut your losses and move on, you deserve better!
"In the last year I have resolved all of his excuses for not sleeping with me and still get no sex!" He came up with a new excuse, didn't he? He must be very very good at making you feel inadequate and wrong and stupid, if you've tolerated it this long.
Dump the man, you'll be what, 200 pounds lighter? What a sense of relief you will experience!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 January 2014):
 I agree it's not the weight it's something else... and if it is the weight he's not worth the effort or worry because 18 pounds is nothing.
I used to be very heavy.
when I met my now husband it was after weight loss but before reconstructive surgery. Our sex life was awesome even with all the horrid skin.
after surgery i was tight like I was 20 at least belly and boobs... and sex was less and less... love is not about bodies...
then I gained some weight back.. NOT just some but 30 pounds... and he gained 30... and while we don't FIT right together any more we still manage to have sex and be affectionate and it you are together day to day... a small gain is barely noticable.
8 pounds would be nothing... then later to add ten more.. again barely a size change.
it's not the weight.. and if he says it's the weight I think he's being disingenuous because he doesn't want to admit the truth.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2014): I agree with YouWish. 18 lb. is not that much at all to put someone so off sex.
I am between 5.4 and 5.5 and I weigh 140lb. For my whole life since my baby I was 132 lb. then after 40 I started slowly gain and now reached 140. It's 8 lb difference but I don't even have to buy new clothes. I keep healthy diet, excersize regularly ad still gained weight. I guess with age these things just happen. I eat in small portions, watch my carbs, and still I have these pounds. If I gained another 10 improbably would have to go to a new size, but to put a guy off sex that would need another 40 lb.
I think there a re other issues involved.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2014): My thoughts exactly Youwish! I had this same discussion about a 5lb weight gain. It is nothing short of cruel. My argument is what would happen if I gained weight through steroids one day. His reply was "Well I wouldn't like it!". Which planet do these guys live on. He is not that great looking but I didn't tell him to get a nose job or fillers for his thin lips as I prefer fuller ones! I still think these comments are a cover up for underlying issues.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 January 2014):
 I don't buy his excuses. I could see it if you gained 40+ pounds, but I did the math, and you gained 18 pounds?? That's more Rubinesque than bulk. A woman could gain 10 pounds in water weight at certain times of the month.
If he's the same age as you (41-50), neither of you will look like 20 year olds. I think he is lying, to be honest. It's good that you are taking steps to address your health and wellness as everyone should, but don't do it because you think it'll attract him more to you, because I think he is lying.
I don't personally endorse this, but if what you're saying is true and your weight gain is in the 18 pound range, there is liposuction for fat deposit areas. However, since I think he's lying, you could do that and go through the pain of erasing a sag the way that the stars do it, but I think he's hiding either a medical issue (impotence), a porn/masturbation issue (also causes ED and sucks the sex drive out of a middle ager) or he is cheating.
I'm not sure if he is cheating, because he has shown constancy to you. But don't rule it out. I think it's more of a porn thing or an impotence thing. How do you know he's not having medical issues if you're not doing it?
Either way, 18 pounds is a putoff only to the very shallow, and I'm guessing that at his age, he's got a lot of the same putoffs.
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