A
female
age
41-50,
*yespy17
writes:How much porn is too much porn?!?I ask this question because I found downloaded porn on my boyfriends computer. I had never used his computer before ( mine was broken). I then saw there were folders full of it, as well as bookmarked pages. I confronted him about it, and said it made me uncomfortable because the repeated theme of his porn is big chested women drinking men's urine. This goes beyond "normal" in my opinion. He said he would stop looking at all porn. I told him " don't make promises you can keep". He swore up and down he'd quit, even though I said maybe we could agree that he won't use it so often or days when it's likely we'll have sex. Don't get me wrong, I'd love it if I was the only woman he ever saw naked, but just from reading this site, I can tell that is a rare thingSO, a month after he promised he swore off porn, I found 200 DVDS, Vaseline, and baby oil in his travel bag. Yes 200. (we live together and he had been away for the weekend with a male friend) Later that day, I came home early from work to find him in the act. 2 DVDs were on the table, a third was in his computer and the Vaseline was next to it. (needless to say- I freaked). So this is upsetting on a number of levels: 1) he lied and said he'd given up porn bc he knew it hurt me 2) 200 DVDS?!? That does not count what was on the computer 3) why were they in his travel bag. He supposedly shared a room with his friend?4) he acted like he deleted the porn from his computer, but I saw it hidden in a subfolder with work files. So. Accept this? Get him help because he's a bit of a sex addict? (btw when I could him masturbating - it was less than 24 hours since we had sex. He knows I'm upset and suggested we go see someone? I asked hiM if he thought he was addicted to sex/porn - he said no? Thoughts? So clearly this is distubing on a number if levels:1) the lie that he had given up porn
View related questions:
porn, sex addict Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): Hi your boyfriend probably started off looking at porn with his mates but not actualy buying DVDs or downloading it. This addictionof his probably got gradualy worse till now he cant stop himself. He probably hates himself n feels guilty about and wants to stop but he cant do it on hisown i no bout this stuff too am a guy aswell
A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (12 March 2009):
Eyespy17 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSaucy Shannon. You are right, I don't trust him and have been snooping. But with just cause. He doesn't deserve my trust. Trust needs to be earned, and he's damaged it. Celaif, you are right that main issue is the lying. That is where we come back to trust I Definitely don't have low self esteem. If I did, I never would have confronted him about it in the first place. I would have done what most women do... Look the other way. I can't. Since, he suggested the couples counseling, I will try it out. For better or worse, right? We are supposed to be getting engaged soon. I don't believe in walking away from an otherwise completley decent human being without at least trying. If the thearapisf says he's really addicted and there's no getting it under control, then I guess I will have to move on. Thanks for all your advice. I appreciate it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): When someone hurts you, Saucy Shannon, you often contemplate a whole plethora of things. I'm surprised she only thought of leaving him.
Though pornography is the issue at hand, his lying is the main source of your dilemma. His choosing to do something that hurts you is wrong. You should never put up with that sort of treatment.
His addiction is harmful to your self-esteem. If you have low self-esteem, I really do not see how you can be happy. :(
I would suggest that you try and talk to him about how you feel. Don't be too accusatory, but let him know exactly how you feel and what you will do if it is not resolved.
To be perfectly honest, if I were in your situation, I would not talk to him again. I would simply pack my things and leave. =/
Good luck.
Regarding your comment about 98% of men being porn watchers: Many men are willing to compromise. These are the men you need to search for. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Saucy_Shannon +, writes (12 March 2009):
 Oh dear! Look at all the advice to leave him!
Be thankful for a few things...
1) None of his porn was illegal, kids or animals type stuff.
2) You're getting some.
3) He's willing to talk to you about it.
I'd ask him to limit the amount of time spent on it, perhaps not leaving it where you can find it... it also seems like you've been snooping. That's kind of an intrusion of privacy and shows you don't trust him/you have self-esteem issues.
4) Ask to watch some DVD's with him. Get to know what he likes to watch and perhaps you can relate to it a bit more, and you might be surprised at how much you will be able to learn about his sexual preferences.
5) Demand personal and private time with him. Let him know you want to have sex so he can stay away from the porn and build up some libido before you and him get in bed together.
6) Related to #4... Try some new things to add some spice into the relationship. Maybe take some cues from the DVD's and do something different that's within your comfort zone.
7) The porn doesn't mean that he doesn't love and desire you. It's an addiction and in a sense a release for some men. Don't be too harsh on him and even if you left (why would you contemplate that if you *really* loved him and wanted things to work out??) would that solve your personal confidence and self-esteem issues?
Good luck! Perhaps some counseling for the *both* of you would help. There's always an underlying issue that causes deviant behavior. Perhaps working together, you can fix your relationship and be happy after all.
...............................
A
male
reader, OmarJamal  +, writes (12 March 2009):
find out what his fantacy is and make it come true. if you ask him to cut off porn..at least fill the void. You dont have to do bondage or anything crazy but something within your limits.
I think this should cure him.
worst case...make some own hone videos of your selves or just you...and tell him to watch them for pleasure....
Cured!! (male perspective...sorry)
...............................
A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (11 March 2009):
Eyespy17 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHas anyone been to a sex therapist for this sort of thing?
We've been together 2 years - and love each other. I'd like to see if we can come to some sort of agreement.
I mean, 98 percent of men look at porn, so if I leave, it's likely my next boyfriend will be a porn watcher too..
Is there a compromise?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 March 2009):
 He's addicted, but like any other addiction the addict don't see it being a problem.
You can not cure him. Honestly I'd start packing and move on. It's NOT going to stop.
...............................
A
female
reader, pinkjane_86  +, writes (11 March 2009):
 hi hun, i think your boyfriend has sexual fantasies but would probably never act on them, but this is no excuse too lie too you. You are both in a relationship and he should understand how you feel. If he is constantly liying too you that is not good. I dont think he understands the affect this can have on women. Even if a woman found a couple of porn dvds that must knock their confidence but 200 plus bookmarks. If he loves you so much he should understand how you feel and how this is totally making you feel insecure and hurt.(i would feel like that) but if he is making no effort at all i would think about yourself and dont let this make you feel less confident. i really hope you can sort this out i do. You are the only one who can make the choice what happenes but lying isnt a trustworthy relationship and your partner needs too have a good hard think what is important hope you sort it out hun
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): ask him what he wants - you or the porn - he can't have both to that extent.
i would give him and ultimatium and go and find someone who loves a real woman. not worht your time to prove it when you both know he is lying...
star.x.
...............................
|
