A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My parents fight about 4 times a week. Two out of those four times will involve yelling/ insults. Is this normal? My parents are both great people. However, my dad treats my mom like a child and makes decisions without her. They don't understand each other emotionally, although I do. It's weird that they dont and I do. Anyhow, I'm pretty depressed by this, and very scared I will make a mistake when I marry someone and end up in a relationship like this. I mean, my dad is a great dad. So why is he this kind of husband? How do you know a person is good for you or good for your kids in the long run? I need some hope. Does anyone have parents with a good relationship?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 March 2013):
 Ok if you are 18 I am going to assume your parents are together 20 or more years… and that this is how their relationship works. If either were truly that unhappy they would probably have left.
I was raised with parents who yelled. Their parents yelled. I yell. My husband is a yeller. Some folks just yell and fight. It may be their style and how they cope. You are actually only seeing part of your parents’ marriage. There are things that go on behind closed doors you are not privy to, conversations that may be had when you are not around. Do not be so quick to assume that what you see is all there is for them.
You say your dad treats your mom like a child. That’s what you see. I guess if folks saw my marriage they would say my husband is controlling and abusive. And that he’s in charge. Interestingly, he’s not. I actually have more control over our relationship than he does. I’m the one in charge to be honest. BUT for all the world to see, it sure looks like he’s controlling and making all the choices for me. Folks don’t hear our pillow talk… or see other things… but the neighbors sure know when he’s stressed.
My parents’ relationship was fine in my opinion. Mom and Dad met on a blind date at 16/19. They married 3 years later. Over the years there were a few minor issues now and then but for the most part I had a decent childhood. I had no clue my mother was the strong one in the marriage. Daddy worked and provided for us. Mom stayed home till I was 12 then went back to school for her GED and some college. Then she got a job, she never actually made a lot of money, she worked not for money (she did not need to) but for her brain, her personality, her sense of herself. Then she got sick. And ten months later in hospice with my father holding her hand she died. And my father, strong and able to run the budget for the second largest federal agency in my country turned into a weeping useless child. And that was when I learned how deeply my father loved my mother and how lost he was without her. My father, who I THOUGHT made all the decisions in the house hold (because that’s how it looked on the outside), actually made almost NONE of the decisions. HE always deferred to mom… but we never knew this because those conversations were held in private at night in their marital bed.
I think that often children think they know what’s going on in a marriage but in reality they often don’t really know. The problem for you OP is what you have learned by watching your parents may end up being your style anyway and if you want to not scream and yell and fight you may have to work doubly hard to avoid it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): many relationships that last long turn "weird" in some ways. I have seen many older couples' relationships and been appalled at how they treated each other, with the worst disrespect, manipulation, and abuse possible...and still they stay together.
there's not much you can do but to accept that your parents both choose to have this relationship. Even your mum. she is an adult, and if she didn't want it anymore, she could leave. Maybe one day she will, maybe not.
Best you can do is to distance yourself from them so it doesn't affect you so much, and examine your own relationships from time to time in terms of their "weirdness". Regular talks with your partner about your relationship and any behavioral patterns work wonder here.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 March 2013):
 None is ideal..... Any more than "once in a blue moon" is too much....
Try not to let childish behaviour on their parts have negative impact on your life....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): I didn't, they were even physically violent with each other. My relationship with my husbands better by a million, but we also fight. Not as often as your parents, but once a week we yeall at each other, but for a few minutes. We don't insult usually, though I can tell my husband that he is an imbecille, which he is sometimes.
My daughter allso thinks that we bicker a lot. We don't even notice it. The way you describe it it is too much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): You sound like a great kid, and my sympathies go out to you. Do you have younger siblings? The tension in your parent's marriage can have a profound effect on you. It's not just the frequency of the arguments that can have the worst effect, it's the intensity. This isn't fair to you.Your parents are good people. Unfortunately, sometimes people come to a point in their marriage where it is difficult for them to calmly communicate and sort out problems together. They may be financially stressed, there are unknown secrets that they are keeping from you, and they may not be able to settle their issues positively. It doesn't make you a bad person because you disagree with anyone.You seem to fault your dad's treatment of your mom as the problem. If this is apparent to you, then your dad isn't only hurting your mom; he is also hurting you. That doesn't make him a very good dad or husband. But we love are dad's in spite of these faults, and you should.Your mom may have to make a decision in the best interest of you and herself. You don't deserve to be caught in the middle of their fighting. You have to tell them how this is affecting you. You have to tell them how deeply it hurts you to see them at each others throats all the time. You have to let them know that you can't handle it when you see your dad mistreating your mom. She needs your support. You are old enough to voice your opinion. You need to let them know, that if they can't control the anger, you'll need to find a place where you don't have to put up with it. Are your grandparents available? Have you told them how you feel? Adult intervention is needed. Family counseling is usually the prescription; but it may be necessary for you and your mom to seek help without your dad. Tell your dad he is forcing you to take sides with your mom, based on how he treats her. Although you love him truly and deeply. Ask him why he treats her badly? Insist on an answer. Tell him what he does that really hurts you.This will take courage. If they don't listen to you; then it is likely they can't stay together, or don't want to.Your feelings count above anything else, sweetie.Every family has problems. There is no perfect TV family out there. It is normal to fight; but when it hurts the kids, it's totally out of control.
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A
female
reader, sneha09  +, writes (4 March 2013):
 ur dad make decisions without ur mom,dts d main problem.isn't it?i dnt no about insults but yelling can be very normal in some cases.i knew an old couple who used to quarrel a lott but as 1 of dem passed away ,other became very lonely.so they loved each other.u said ur dad is a great dad but that doesn't assure that problem will be solved if you share it with him.Try to understand who will take a bettr step to understand and lessen the thing.If its among your parents,discuss with him or her.If you know any realtive and family friend and feel they can help,don't hesitate to speak through them that its draining you emotionally.its very difficult to say whether a person will or will not be like your father in long run but considering your concern,you must check if a person is paying heed to your words not only listening them.if its a major thing or decision which involves you and that person,he must ask your advice and view and consider them.In this way i think u can find ur way.
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