A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a weird situation and need your advice. I (happily married and want to stay in that marriage) had an affair a couple of years ago with another married man, whose wife found out. Their relationship is going down the drain and he told me she's getting more and more violent with him. Now she is also emailing me hate emails and threatens me that she will tell others about this affair, including my family and husband. My guts say I should just ignore it...but really? Will she at some stage stop this or just go on and on? Will she come true on her threats to tell? I really don't want to tell my husband as this would only be painful for him - the affair is done and over in my eyes and I have regretted it often enough. But what are the chances she really contacts him, just for revenge, or other people in my environment? Any advice is welcome! (O i forgot, changing my email account is not an option as she uses my workplace email address)
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affair, married man, revenge, violent, workplace Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 March 2013):
 Here is my take on this. I'm not going to address what you did or karma or any of that. I've seen folks who had an affair (not affairs but ONE) become totally changed and repentant. I'm not going to condemn you for mistakes and choices in the past. I hope you have used the experience to grow and mature as a person and a partner.
Now on to the logistics of this:
1. there are ways via email programs to block a particular email address. Find out what you need to do to black list her so you don't see her emails IF you can't see them, they can't bother you. I'm an IT specialist. IF you don't want to ask at work feel free to PM me with the email program you use and I'll figure it out for you.
2. Take the wind out of her sails and suck it up and tell your husband. I'm going to tell you right now from experience on both ends (telling and being told) that finding out from YOU is going to be much better than finding out from HER. AND once your spouse knows... she has no power. Because really who cares who else she tells. Truth is the only person that matters in terms of what they think is your husband. Everyone else is just a bystander with an opinion. And you don't have to care what others think. YOU do and should care what your husband thinks. She knows he does not know and you don't want him to know. IF you tell him, you take away the one trump card and all the power.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 March 2013):
People in this situation tell the unsuspecting spouse all the time. They want to hurt you, and they probably feel like your husband has the right to know.
I'd assume it's going to happen. I DEFINITELY don't agree that you should lie and say that this crazy lady is going to say you slept with her husband and it's not true. That's ridiculous advice!
I also wouldn't tell him the truth, on the off chance that she doesn't say anything. Although if you tell him before she does it'll probably be easier for him to forgive you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.I was on the same situation, I wentt to great lengths to have someone pretend to he her boyfriend's friend (boyfriend of 6 years mind you) and let him know all about it. I also found out she was seeing another man, so I let him know about that too and their plans to run off together. We were all on a competitive sport and I sabotaged her constantly, (she was already a failure) to the point where she was an outcast because she could not measure up.I knew she flirted with other family men, so I let her own mother know (she lived at home) that she was a home wrecker. Yeah, I had no remorse towards her. She is a vile woman she was destroying various relationships at once.In fact there was a terrible Earthquake where she was and I thought how great it would be if something happened to her.Terrible right?About me: I'm an educated lawyer, good salary, and great life otherwise. And I stooped to this, I tell you rage makes you blind.Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): I've been in her situation and usually you project more on to the other women first. I played he'll with my partner too more so him and her too as she was supposed to be my friend but I know he was the one with the commitment to me so he had to pay. We are still together but I'm glad I know what he did because I know who he is now and not the person I thought he was we do have a happier healthier relationship now as we open up and talk about things and say when we are unhappy.I feel you are being selfish it's all about you and your benefits and you loosing your family. But shouldn't you have thought about this before climbing into bed with another man? If you gave a crap about your.husband(and I'm not saying you don't love him) you wouldn't have made this decision to cheat on him.You have already disrespected him, and what if she does tell your husband he's going to be furthermore upset because you lied and tried to cover this up! You are being selfish thinking of your own needs. If I cheated and there was a chance my partner would find out I would spill other wise I'd say don't tell him the pain it causes is unreal and you clearly haven't been in this position or you wouldn't be doing it to someone you apparently love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): I would say you have sociopathic tendencies the way your post is written and that you are highly manipulative. Let's hope the poor woman tells all!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): She is becoming more violent to her husband? You mean before all this she was "less " violent? Then she has always been an unstable violent person and maybe that's why he felt no loyalty to her.
Let her tell the whole world. Why would people believe her anyway. Keep the hate mails from her. No doubt they show proof of a highly unstable mind and might make anyone think twice about taking her side. Write back saying that if she carries through on her threats you will call the cops on her and have a restraining order put on her. Keep a copy of those mails too.
I have been betrayed too. I didn't go postal and get violent and border on criminal assault. She does not have the right to become violent just because she was betrayed and her heart was broken. A crime of passion is still a crime. People who kill their lovers for having been betrayed by them, do still get charged with murder and pay the price for it.
Having been cheated on is not an excuse or free pass to get violent and premeditate violence.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): If you are truely remorseful, you should tell your husband that this woman is making these allegations and they totally false.
You will be able to get away with it assuming you left no evidence.
The only reason I suggest this as I do not believe your husband needs to be hurt and humiliated. Yes this woman will be getting even by ruining your name but its also embarassing for her husband and family.
I understand her anger and bitterness but common do you then hurt the innocent people that are related to you?
After you tell your husband what this woman is alledging, I would then tell that if she ruins your marriage you will go after her husband. Maybe then she will back off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): Thanks for your answers so far! They really help.
I guess her reaction is so different to what I would do (and did do when I was in her situation) that it is hard for me to comprehend why she is reacting this way. I don't do revenge like this, never did, it doesn't give me anything to make an entire other family suffer only because I cannot manage my emotions. How could it possibly make me feel better to know i have caused even more grief to other (innocent) people?
And yes - I have been there before, in terms of being the one who was betrayed, and I have made that decision, I know what I am talking about. I understand she is mad about the affair - but wouldn't she first and foremost be mad at her husband?
I think that your responsibility as a spouse is your own responsibility to manage and own up to - my responsibility to my husband, which I violated. But love and relationships aren't like justice courts, where you'd get a "fair" sentence for what you have done, and benevolent treatment if you show remorse. If I would see any benefit in telling my husband, I would do so, e.g. if the affair were a wedge between us, or if I would in some immature way hope his forgiveness can ameliorate my remorse or absolve me from my responsibility for what I did - alas I am clear that this would not work for me. I cannot undo what I did. I have to live with the guilt, even if it is painful. I love my husband and i don't want to hurt him. By telling him I would hurt him beyond belief, while I don't see what I would gain except to hurt the people I love.
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A
male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (4 March 2013):
 It is all about one thing this, and that is you escaping unscathed. How would you feel in her situation? What would you do in her situation? It is looking like the best thing you can do is own up to your husband. That is the only way you will take away the power she has over you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): If I was in her boat, I would happily be broadcasting it to your husband, your relatives, your boss and co-workers and anyone else in earshot.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (4 March 2013):
 You are not in a good situation. I hope it is your fear of what she may do that is clouding your realisation of just how hurt she really is. No one in the world can predict what her next move will be. The ball is in her court.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 March 2013):
 Plan for the worst.... and content yourself that you "dodged the bullet" if it doesn't come to pass...
SHE has the "high road" available to her... since YOU are the one who reneged on your's and her hubby's vows of fidelity.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Jeanette82 +, writes (4 March 2013):
 No one here can guess what she will do next. What would you do in her situation?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): You have hurt another woman here and remember you reap what you sew.I can assure you when my husband had an an affair with a married woman I bided my time and then when I thought she was happy and had thought things had moved on and were forgotten about I immediately called her husband at work and told him all about it. I am glad to report it ruined their marriage. The husband was pleased that I had told him as he did not want to be with someone who he could not trust and who had cheated on him. I also told all her friends and people she worked with. You will find that the woman will not be so cross with her own husband but will feel absolute hatred and hostility towards the woman he had the affair with. I would prepare yourself because it is very likely she will tell your husband and as many people as she can because she is hurt, betrayed and upset and will not want you to get away scot free. The only thing that might save you is if she is scared of confrontation. Clearly the intelligent thing to do would be to tell your husband before she does but as you are scared of rocking the apple cart you had best wait and see if she is just calling your bluff. Hopefully she isn't.
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