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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a question regarding Christmas gift giving. How much do you typically spend on parents and in laws for Christmas? I can only really use my own family and my husbands family as examples and we do things pretty differently so I'm curious what others do for their parents. In my family we (my siblings and I) have never spent over $50 for a gift for my parents. Not a lot of thought is put into it either, something like a gift card. I've always thought this was normal. Now in my husbands family his brother does an elaborate gift for their parents every year, this year it is $400 ! He asked my husband to go half with the gift, to which I of course said no can do. My husband thinks the same but when he was single he used to just give his brother half of whatever he decided to get his parents, my husband never had much to do with the gift itself. It makes you feel like a bit of a jackass though opening presents and his parents open our gift for about $50 and his brothers huge elaborate gift for $400... We don't make as much as his brother though we technically can afford $200 for the gift, we don't even spend that much on each other. We usually set a price limit, $300 total for each other's gifts, $150 a piece. I don't know if I am being selfish or if it is normal to just get a small gift for parents. I've never heard of such elaborate and expensive gifts for parents so I am curious how other families do. His brother isn't rich either. And he has a long time girlfriend if that makes a difference. His parents are generous with their gifts (probably $150-$200 on the gifts for my husband and I) but I requested they cut back on our gift so we don't feel obligated to spend so much back. Am I right or should we shell out more for Christmas gifts for them?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 November 2012):
 Call me extravagant, but personally I don't see how pitching in 200 for your in laws gift would be so insanely over the top. It's two people, father and mother, so it's like 100 usd each. Plus, you and your husband are two also, so it's 50 bucks each, technically, for each parent. Which, if you can afford it of course, does not sound like such an outrageous extravaganza to me.
Naturally, though, what counts is the thought- which also means, that if you shell out the 200 contribution, but you do it through gritted teeth, resenting every buck , and thinking what you could have bought yourself instead with the extra money... then it is definitely best if you get them a much more modest gift offered with more gracious feelings.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): Modnote: The Negative comments are very sad but hopefully the OP can ignore those Negative and thoughtless answers that do not answer the question and are of no value.Wow! What's with the negative comments here?! I agree with some of these comments but the negative ones, be realistic! Christmas isn't about WHAT we GET and how much you SPEND, it is about WHO we spend it WITH. Society tells us that we need to spend XXX amount of money to be accepted, that's just plain BS. I'm on a budget this year and I've been searching online for a lot of DIY projects. It lets people know you cared enough to think about them, IMO. If you have people in your life that are offended by these gifts, are they really worth it to be in your life to begin with? Spend what you can and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. The spirit of Christmas is what matters, not how much money you have to spend. Best of luck!
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reader, DV1 +, writes (15 November 2012):
 Yea, I like candy, so I tell people to get me that, and it's like... 5 bucks...
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 November 2012):
 This year my Dad and my FIL get a 2013 calender I photo-shopped of the kids and got printed up and a box of various goodies - maybe $50 each. For them it's DEFINITELY not about the amount but the thought put into it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks person, that makes me feel a lot better and does make sense. That's why my own parents haven't cared much what they get as long as it is something, his parents are the same. I won't worry about the cost so much anymore or what his brother does. I like some of your ideas as well, a certificate to the spa for example is a good idea. Much much appreciated.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (14 November 2012):
 Your inlaws won't be impressed by you throwing money around, they will be impressed by you thinking to get them something at all. My bf's mom sends us boxes and boxes of this horrible candy that we both hate and even though we wound up throwing it all away (no one else wanted it either) we both still loved that she thought of us. She's bought me lots of little presents, but by far the most memorable was also one of the cheapest. Her son mentioned he had a cold and I had caught it too. Two days later we got a box with a thermometer, cold meds, tea, instant soup packets, and a blanket. It wasn't the money and she didn't have to know us well to do it, it was just kind.
Getting gourmet food, that's kind. It is not that personal, it isn't that expensive, but it's kind and thoughtful. Thoughtful doesn't have to stem from knowing someone well, it's literally about having "thought" to give them something at all. Like ask your boyfriend if she took a lot of baths. If so, maybe get her a gift certificate to a nice spa for a massage and a facial and hide the card in a basket of nice soaps and lotions. Or maybe an art class with some supplies. Or get the two of them some dance lessons, like a punchcard to a local studio that has a variety of ballroom classes. Or make a donation to a charity in their names. You don't have to do something personal, just get creative with some clichéd tired ideas.
Most of all, stop stressing out so much about how much his brother is spending on them. It's really not about the money! They aren't thinking "geez I wish my kids would spend more money on us!" They are probably just happy to be spending the holidays with their children. The way parents view children is WAY different than the way children view their parents. If a parent ever tried to give a child a macaroni picture for their birthday, the child would probably be pretty unhappy that they didn't get the newest toy. But a parent getting it would normally be very happy their kid had made them something.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis was mostly about the inlaws. My family has never spent a lot on parents for Christmas so I know my parents will be okay with whatever we get them, my sister hands them photos of her kids as presents which costs nothing. I noticed most of you say to focus on a thoughtful gift instead. Unfortunately I don't know his parents well enough to come up with something super thoughtful. My husband doesn't either, he knows them enough but doesn't talk to them as much as the brother does to come up with something creative they would love and need, that is why he always went into a gift with his brother. Last year I came up with the idea to get them some food from a gourmet frozen food company. I felt it was nice but we did feel a little crappy when his brother pulls out about 5 different gifts, one of which was a knife set for $300. I know his parents will never say anything and I can't change what he decides to buy them, I guess I just wanted to feel better about not wanting to spend a ton on them by hearing it is normal to not go overboard on a parent's gift as an adult. I feel guilty. But not guilty enough to drop $200 on a split with his brother, we may technically have it but it would definitely be noticeably gone and missed. I simply don't feel it's necessary to spend so much it hurts just for a Christmas gift. I'll try and come up with something thoughtful as best I can. Thanks again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): I agree GarciaDeLuise - your lack of thought towards these gift giving is very prominent. For parents that have sacrificed so much, who do so much each year for their kids even as grown ups, why would you not want to spend some money on them?The underlying tone of your question is very selfish. If you spend $150 each on each other, would that not equate to $150 per person in the family. Why the generosity towards each other and the stinginess towards the in-laws?I also agree with the anonymous female - the way your family functions at Christmas is no reason the alter the dynamics in another family. Every family is different, however most people do put some thought into the gifts they give. Presenting parents with giftcards just lacks a certain respect.This is a very good question you've asked. Hopefully you can define what the new expectations are in the new family you've created and eventually, how you'll want your children to approach Christmas and gift giving.For my family: $100 per person. Little kids are showered with more gifts. Special attention is also paid to gifts for the elders in the family which may be above this limit.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (14 November 2012):
It all depends on what you can afford. When I had almost no money in college I gave my parents things that cost maybe $20, but were very thoughtful (or came up with ideas for the expensive things and put my name on the card when my other parents bought it). Now that I have a well-paying job, I spend more. I'd say about 2 weeks grocery money to compare it to something. I spend less on a present to "in laws" (my partner and I aren't married, but we may as well be). A little more than half what I spent to my parents probably.
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reader, DV1 +, writes (14 November 2012):
It doesn't matter what you spend if the gift is meaningful...
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (14 November 2012):
Depends on our financial situation. In good years, we may spend $400 total. In bad years, like this one, it's going to be close to $100 total. We're 4 of us.
But it depends on the gift too. One of my favorite gifts was this sweater my mom got me for $15. I got my mom a historical globe replica for $30 and she basically cried with happiness when she saw what it was (she's a huge fan of historical maps and globes).
So, basically, aim for the heart. When you do that you tend not to overspend. I know my inlaws appreciate liquor so I got them this cute collection box with 3 small bottles of 12, 15 and 18 y/o whiskey. They loved it and it wasn't expensive at all.
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reader, kirra07  +, writes (13 November 2012):
It depends on how our finances are doing and whether I see something that I think that my family would enjoy. For example, I've given a sweater or a dvd box set of about 50 for my dad for christmas before. I've also got my mom a 150-200 Keurig as well because I thought that since she likes coffee a lot, that would be a good gift. Other years it's something smaller. I'd be more annoyed to just fork over the money to go half on the brother's gift rather than go out and spend however much on a gift that I put the thought and effort into myself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): I'm not married so I don't have in laws, but my father always gave my grandmother ( his mother in law) money as chistmas gift generally 150, or 100 depending on how much he had, does that answer your question? I don't know about other familis, my aunt does not like her mother in law so she doesn't give anything...
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): My family doesn't give gifts - but then they're dysfunctional and not a good example.
My husbands family - the parents shower their kids (3 kids + 2 in-laws + 1 grandchild = 6 people) with gifts in the $400 range. NOT to mention yearly Christmas trip to Mexico is covered by the in-laws. They're not super wealthy, but they are business owners and they like to spend money on their kids. Now the kids - usually get their parents $50 gift cards.
Now that I've joined the family, I'm changing things alittle. I'm a gift giver (receiving gifts and giving them in my head shows love)so this year I am asking everyone to pitch in so we can get the parents one BIGGER gift together. Its not about $, but I want to thank them for everything they do for us & its an exucse to update their environment. So, this year I am asking everyone to pitch in $50-$75 each so they can't get a Shun Knife set worth about $400.
I personally don't think your out of line, but neither is the brother in-law. Obviously giving nice gifts means more to him than to you. I would pitch in. Its the way they've been doing things. Why upset the brother in-law and why offend the parents who suddenly are receiving less elegant/sophisticated/big/whatever gifts. We know its about the spirit of giving, but there is more at play here. You don't want to step on their toes and look like the grouch who stole christmas.
Just because your family did things differently does not mean you should change this family. Your also putting your husband in a tough place where he probably still wants to pitch in like always but has to appease you too.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 November 2012):
 A thoughtfully purchased gift that cost $20 is worth much more than a gift card worth $50. I mean get into the SPIRIT of of season, girlfriend.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 November 2012):
 I'm jewish... I give my kids each a check for 100 bucks and that's it... nothing to dad or inlaws..
but if I could afford it I would give my kids and my dad the world..... so you give what you can.
my friend give each of her kids gifts totalling around 250 each or she did when they were younger now as grown adults she gives things like house downpayments...
EVERY family is different.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): Well I typically spend zero since I don't celebrate that ridiculous holiday.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks.... But that didn't answer my question at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): Just give whatever your comfortable giving and don't worry about it.
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