A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:When I started dating my fiancé he told me all about the activities he did with his last girlfriend, such as them jogging together, bicycling and going to a concert. He told me the concert turned into a magical night for the both of them.The jogging and bicycling were her interests, so it appears he incorporated that into his routine to get along with her. He wanted to marry her, but she broke up with him in about 8 months. He deeply loved her.He has zero interest in sports. He goes big whoop and twirls his finger in the air. He says sports are a big waste of peoples time and money. He told me he thought jogging was boring.He likes to hike. He likes to garden. He likes to do projects around the house which he feels is a more constructive use of his time. If I ask him to do something around the house, he does it right away.He reminds me of Prince Charles and his pursuits. He talks about sex all the time and always works it into our conversations no matter what we are talking about and is grabbing, hugging and kissing me. I'm not complaining, but the sex talk can be a bit much.Now, we were at a hotel and next door there happened to be an arena and a famous singer was coming into town the next night.I really wanted to go, but he told me, been there done that with his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend. He wouldn't go. Neither will he do jogging.I really feel this all reminds him of his ex-girlfriend and that is the reason he isn't into doing those activities.I noticed he avoids certain restaurants too, which now is apparent to me that he went there with his last ex-girlfriend.We have very similar interests. I'm not saying we need to be on the same page in interests. My friends have told me they thought he was a little too boring, that maybe a guy that has a beer now and then and a smoke would be more interesting.I'm asking if you mesh well with your significant other in interests and take into consideration if they would like to do something even if you don't find it of interest for yourself.
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male
reader, Garbo +, writes (1 October 2015):
 Obviously, the more in common you have the better the relationship. Over time, tho, people develop new activities to be together... but this depends whether each in the relationship actually wants to develop these. So it is often the desire to make these common activities - just look at your guy with his ex where he put up with jogging just to build commonality.
Doing things together as much as possible keeps away resentment, cynicism and jealousy but most importantly it keeps away the culture of the cliques that each would bring in if they did friends solo.
Also, I think it is important that couples do at least one activity a week that is romantic but not necessarily sex. It is a form of a bonding that simultaneously renews vowels, builds positive memories of each other and creates a routine that reinforces it.
A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (30 September 2015):
 I don't think your boyfriend exactly but he seems to be "haunted" by his ex. My ex and I were movie buffs and worked out together-but I can't bar those activities from my current relationship cause I did them with the ex. It'd be great if he could open himself to new memories with you! My current boyfriend and I have so much in common, it's a bit unnerving at times. We both love reading and are both writing books, we love the ocean, languages and traveling and have the same goofy humor. He's more extroverted than I am but that helps me explore more than I would normally. He says my personality helps him relax more. I admit, when we first began dating, I did avoid places/activities I did with my ex cause I felt uncomfortable in a sense. Some people knew me from the years I was with my ex in restaurants and such and I cringed to think of what might be said or thought. But after my bf and I had our own routines and favorite places confirmed, it didn't bother me as much. Life goes on and on and then, on again. Talk to your fiancé and just give an insight on your feelings. Don't accuse or voice assumptions but try and see his view on things too. As to his interests, try doing some things he enjoys with him too-find new activities you both enjoy. My bf and I found swing dancing recently and although I proved to be hopeless, it proved to be a bonding memory that still keeps us laughing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2015): I don't think having ' a beer and a smoke' makes someone more interesting. Personally I hate smoking but I do like to go to the pub for a beer I wouldn't have a problem with a man who came with me but didn't drink. As long as someone is not judging you and is being supportive of what you do. I think its very important to have different interests.in fact there are certain activities I like that I would rather not do with my boyf, but prefer alone or with a friend. I love outdoors and horseriding. I'm very much a countryside girl. My boyf is from a city and he hates mud, loves his technology and computers. He is also allergic to horses. (I have a horse lol) however he is very supportive of what I do and has joined me on horse riding and dog walking\hiking type holidays I've wanted to go on before even though it isn't really his thing. Equally I travel with him regularly to his homecountry where we stay in the city and go for nights out (not usually my thing). We both love travelling do a lot a trips together and usually have the same kind of opinions about things. The same values and similar goals in life. He has qualities that I want in a partner like being very reliable, confident (I am shy) and I admire that he has moved to another country by himself, speaks 2 languages it shows a lot of 'get up and go' which I like. Most of all I enjoy his company whatever we are doing (or not doing). These things are way more important to me than doing the same activities together. The issue here seems to be your man keep bringing up the ex. (He had sex with the ex too I presume but its still ok to do that? Lol ) that relationship is finished he needs to get over it and stop bringing it up. I would be looking to date someone else with no ex hangups if he can't!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 September 2015):
 I have done PLENTY of things that are not my cup of tea (like big social gathering, camping etc) because I think you have to push your own limits a bit and I think it's healthy for the kids to get exposed to different things.
My hubby have done plenty of things in return that he isn't keen on, for the same reasons.
We do share some "indoor" hobbies and some "outdoor" ones, but I don't think my husband have ever refused to do something I suggested. Not before we had kids, not after. I on the other hand have "avoided" some thing and he'd been OK with that.
He is extrovert, I'm an introvert.
As for what your friends think, it's irrelevant - it's what YOU think that counts.
I do find it a cop out to refuse to go see a band at a venue because he was there with his ex, I mean.. he is a GROWN man... he can't run around and avoid everywhere he went with her. THAT is not fair on you. Besides if you go somewhere YOU two will make NEW memories.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 September 2015):
 My husband and I do share most interests. He attends events that interest me, even though he wouldn't have chosen to buy a ticket or take the time to do so if I hadn't shown an interest. And vice versa.
This post sounds like you resent that he used to do things he didn't like all that much because he was trying to spend more time with his now ex.
Not doing jogging I get, as it's actually very hard on your joints.
Is this more a post about how he did things for/with his ex that he won't do for you?
There is a lot of resentment showing here, I don't know if you are aware of that, but I think maybe taking a few steps back would be a good idea. Do you feel like the rebound?
You know his interests, one of which is talking about sex, and he apparently is a very touchy feely type of person. Maybe what you could do is parlay that obvious interest in sex into garnering the behavior you want.
"Gosh, babe, you are so hot and sweet, and you know what really makes me want it? That singer with those songs! Wow! I would be SOOOO appreciative if you were to accompany me. I'd make it so worth your while you'll still be trying to stand upright a week later. *big wink*
I do see that you are concerned about his feeling for his ex. That he would do things for/with her that he chooses not to do with you.
And I have to question his common sense, to discuss with you all things he'd done with his ex.
However, he went to ONE concert with the ex. Big deal, it's not like they were going out to see live music every night. He tried jogging and doesn't want to do it any more. I think that's sensible.
He likes hiking, do you go with him on hikes?
He likes gardening, do you enjoy that too?
He likes completing projects around the house. That's awesome, do you help too? Do your own projects to improve your shared space? If not, why not?
You describe him as your fiance. So you accepted a marriage proposal. Why would you have done that if you had these reservations about him? Why give him the hope that you'd marry him? And who cares what your friends think? YOU are the one who is supposed to be marrying him, right?
Are you sure you really chose the right man to be your fiance? How about talking with him about your concerns about his ex? Have you done that? How well do you communicate?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (30 September 2015):
 They say that opposites attract and that might be true, but it didn't work out for me in my marriages. My first husband and I liked bowling and baseball, that was it. He liked working on cars, football and we had nothing else in common. My 2nd husband and I were 10 years apart in age and over time it really showed. We were worlds apart in taste, he had no sense of humor, I have a silly, sometimes snarky sense of humor. We didn't like the same foods, music. He was a homebody, I liked to get out.
My husband now...we are like 2 peas in a pod. I can very little that we don't have in common. We both love baseball, the 80's music, we both are musically inclined, both have a medical background, we have the same views on almost everything, we love baseball, movies, shopping, and going to new places. One big difference...he is Japanese, I am American. And that difference?? We LOVE it about each other.
I do think its important to have some interests in common, and partners should be willing to try new things! If not, once the sex fizzles out..what is there??? If you can't talk to someone what on earth are you supposed to do??
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