A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. Ok, i know that it is very individual and unique to a person and to a couple, but how important/necessary is it to know details about a partners exes? So, what are common things to know (or me to ask about?). What questions should I steer away from? He is my first, I am far from his.... it hurts me to know how many partners his been with, but I wonder about it? What he's done with them? What he's experienced? Should I ask? Should I just let it be?Is there a way to asking? Any advice from men and women would be great! Thanks you in advance
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): I am married and he has an ex wife and just to let you know ALL i do is ask and it only makes things worse. All of these people who have answered your question are really correct in what they say to you, so LISTEN!! If you dont YOU will be miserable... Good Luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): I had the exact same problem three years ago when I got with my boyfriend (now husband). I chose to ask him about his ex and being an honest and open man, he told me. If only I had come here and posted the question you are asking now before I did so!DO NOT ASK! Leave the past where it is meant to be: IN THE PAST. There is nothing he can tell you that will help, I understand that you are curious and you want to know things but trust me this is what will happen:1. You will ask about the nice things- what he did with the, what he bought for them , the special times he shared with them. HE will tell you and then you will start to have mental images about them together and then you will compare stuff that you guys do together and CREATE the feeling where your times with him come out less special. 2. You will ask about the bad stuff from his past. He will tell you- then you will think about how he was hurt over the bad stuff which meant that he loved those girls and you will feel bad because he loved someone enough to be hurt when things went wrong. This is a Pandoras box that is best left closed. Especially as you say 'He is my first, I am far from his.... it hurts me to know how many partners his been with''NOTHING good will come of this. Take it from me, I have been there.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (4 December 2009):
 Instead of tormenting yourself with questions about what he was up to before you even met him, focus on the here and now.
Today, he is your boyfriend. Look forward to every day with the knowledge that whatever he done and experienced in the past has made him the person that you love now.
If you start asking him about his exes, one of two things will happen.
1. He will tell you, and you will become miserable while creating all sorts of mental images, and thinking that all the special things you two do as a couple, he has already done with other girls.
2. He wont tell you, and you will become miserable while creating all sorts of mental images, and wondering if there is a particular reason, or if he is hiding something.
Be happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): You should really be comfortable enough together to talk to him about anything thats bothering you. You say hes your first and it hurts that hes had so many partners before you. But i take it you knew that before you started dating him, so why is it a problem now? One word of advice. If he has had many partners you should discuss it with him and both visit a std clinic just to be safe.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (4 December 2009):
You don't ask. It's his past and it is nothing you should compare yourself to. All you should find out is if he's clean or not.
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