A
female
age
30-35,
*heorygeek
writes:I was with this man for two years. He was perfect the first eight months of us dating, I realized he started becoming mean. He would tell me awful things like I was stupid, bad at sex, or had an ugly vagina. He would break up with me, block me off of facebook and write me out of his life and then come crawling back a month later. We have been on and off through this breakup. The mean things he said escalated to where he called me stupid everyday, telling me I was worthless. He cheated on me once. When he was angry or we didn't agree, he would swerve my car and drive it recklessly. He even has threatened my life before. We recently broke up and he told me it was because I was too emotional or had anger problems. I really believed him and tried to win back his love and we got back together a month ago. He was still hateful and mean, and eventually, I began to stand up for myself again. For the first time in our relationship, things started getting very physical. When he was mean to me I would tell him, I am leaving tonight, we will hang out tomorrow. He would hold me to the bed and physically abuse me until I agreed not to leave. He had hit me a few times, bit me, and sometimes pulled my hair. While you are reading this you are probably wondering why on earth would I stay with someone like this. Well it was because things were not always this way. It progressed into this and though he would hit me or be mean to me that was 20 percent of the day, the other 80 was great. We got along well when we were not fighting and were very compatible, we wanted the same things in life, and we both seemed to really love each other when we were not fighting. but when we fought it was awful. We broke up last week. He broke up with me saying things we were not alike and I'm too emotional. I don't believe it. I think anyone would be emotional taking abuse every day. We are in an on and off relationship so I keep hoping he will come back , and then think what is wrong with me. Why would I want him to come back? How much abuse is too much? Have any of you ever been abused in a relationship? Does it ever change, and how? And how do you move on after an abusive relationship and learn to love yourself again? Is there something wrong with me for hoping he would come back?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): Seeing as how there are lots of people/relationships that don't have ANY abuse, not even ONCE, I would say that you definitely have too much. it doesn't get better because it's a pattern in him and it's ingrained. and since you haven't left him, he has zero consequences for his behavior so he feels no need to change.you want him back because abuse often makes the victim (that's you) emotionally weak and lacking in confidence so your whole world revolves around him and you think that he is the only source of good things in your life. you need to leave this jerk and be around more people and develop healthy friendships. a relationship that is "80% great and 20% abuse" is NOT "80% great." the abuse cancels out everything. remember, there are other people out there who will never abuse you not even once.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 September 2013):
 ONE TIME Is too much
he did you a favor to leave you.
Yes I've been abused.
my second disaster (he does not even deserve to be called husband) tried to kill me by choking me. I got a restraining order and never looked back.
My current husband is an active alcoholic and he can be abusive when drunk. I have a safety plan in place to protect me from harm (both mental and physical) and to prevent him from going to jail.
I would suggest that you journal everything... good feelings bad feelings positive and negative.
there is NOTHING wrong with you for wanting him back...sometimes it FEELS safer to be with a known abuser than leave and be alone FOR A LITTLE WHILE to heal and figure out why you felt it was ok to accept the abuse.
IF you can find a counselor and work on self esteem issues. You don't even believe you deserve better.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (3 September 2013):
How much abuse is too much? One time. If a guy physically hurts you once you can be sure it's going to happen again and get worse.
Emotional abuse is similar, it will usually get worse, but I wouldn't leave the first time. Give the person another chance. If they armrest verbally abusive for a second time (not just angry, but saying things with the intention of hurting you) than get out.
As you've seen, things just keep getting worse. You're dating a guy similar to other women who have been killed by their men.
Why do you still want him? People crave acceptance by their love one. You want him to treat you well and make you feel loved, but it's not going to happen. If you go to therapy I think it'll do you some real good. You may be able to get it covered under your insurance or find a subsidized option.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): Sounds like this guy is high on drugs or Simply messed up
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A
female
reader, Mariab  +, writes (3 September 2013):
 You need to learn to love yourself first BEFORE you are ready to have a relationship with someone (and not this twat!).... As long as you continue to take him back... you have given him a license to do what he wants. And hunny... he will continue to treat you this way (and even worse) because HE CAN!!!
You need to clean this relationship out of your life. For your own self-respect!! How can he, or anyone else respect you if you allow someone to treat you this way? Please find the strength inside you to be stronger than him and get rid of him! You can do it! And you deserve a better relationship... just let go and make space for someone better than this fool! Here's a quote, "We accept the love we think we deserve." Think about it!! xx
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 September 2013):
 ANY abuse is too much. Abuse shouldn't BE the norm in a relationship. I get that people argue and yell at each other or WANT to "hit" the other person, but hold back because they KNOW that isn't right.
YOU have to KNOW that you CAN be in charge of how people treat you. THAT doesn't mean you can change an abusive person, but YOU can remove them from your life. YOU have that power.
There is no excuse for how he treated you, but I think it became norm for him, because YOU kept coming back even when he treated you worse then dirt.
80% was good and THAT is what you focus on. YOU need to focus on the 20 %. Because you CAN have a relationship where you fight, but aren't verbally or physically abused. It would be 80% and 20 where you don't get along or have to have long debated to work things out.
How do you move on?
1. I would start a journal. Write down what happened so when you later on feel like miss him (and the 80%) you can pick that up and read WHY you left. It's a good reminder to have.
2. If you have a good friend who will support you though this, ask if you can call or text her when you feel like reaching out to the ex. CALL her/him instead.
3. Look into a local domestic abuse survivors group.
4. KNOW that is IS OK to miss those 80% - grieve for the loss of those, like you would any relationship. Just remember if you keep focusing on the 80% you are selling yourself short. Because you deserve a relationship where there is 0% abuse and 100% love.
5. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24 hours a day at 1-800-799-7233.
6. Counseling.
I don't think people who are abusive (men or women) really change. Most (from what I have read and seen) think that what THEY are doing is not their fault. Not something they can control. Many times they blame the person they abuse - if that person would just stop doing this or that - or do as I told them, I wouldn't do ABC (hit, yell, whatever abusive behavior)
No matter HOW much you love someone like that you can not fix them with love.
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