A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just met a guy through a mutual friend here in the states that I really like but he lives in Europe. We have been chatting everyday both on the phone and all other messaging means. He really likes me as a matter of face he loves me and claims I am his type of woman. I don't doubt him at all but obviously as any new relationship I am trying to take it slow to watch him.He is back to Europe and already making plans to see me in August and this time he plans on staying a while. All we have talked about mostly is that he wants to marry me. During our chat we have talked about sex and I have expressed to him my desire to hold off until marriage. He was cool but subsequently days after he expressed to me that he wants to take it slow with me but to be realistic it may be difficult to withold sex with me.This is a pact I made since 2010 after my terrible breakup. You may ask me to dump him or leave him but I know in my heart this new relationship got potentials. Should I be tripping that this guy may want to lay with me in August and there is possibility that I may not be able to resist. I don't now how I feel if he succeeds.So to all who have had an LDR, how long did you wait to have sex? How long should one wait? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 July 2014):
 Yes , OP, your post is a bit confusing, it sounds to me that you need to make peace with your own brain.
First you say that you have decided to save yourself for marriage, then you know you can't wait for the 3rd visit. So, you alreday KNOW you won't save yourself for marriage.
Which ,if you ask me, would not be such a big deal , all in all. You are 30- 35, you like the guy very much, you want to sleep with him- then sleep with him. If he'll marry you he will marry you, if he won't and will " break your heart "- oh you will survive I bet. After all, it's long distance, there are obstacles, and anyway nobody can tell the future for sure,- you could end up NOT married even after having withheld sex.
So, you want sex and marriage with this guy , - if you sleep with him , hey at least you would have got one out of two.
BUT, in your first post , at least, you signal that for you , and for reasons of yours, it is IMPORTANT that sex does not happen before marriage. So, if it is really important, you should make sure to not LET it happen.
I think you need to decide once for all what do you want MORE : saving yourself for marriage, or living a normal, sexual relationship with this guy accepting the risk it may not end in marrage . Either one is fine.
But making a decision which you ALREADY know you don't have the strenghtg, the intention, the ability to follow through, it is a sure way to end up disappointed with your choices.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 July 2014):
 OP do you see in the span of the original post and two answers you have gone from NOT having SEX at all until marriage till not even sure you can wait 3 visits with him before you have sex.
I think you are kidding yourself that you will "withhold" sex from this man for any length of time.
IN addition your choice of the word "withhold" indicates to me that you may see it as a "power play" of some sort.
Intimate relations between two adults should never be used to manipulate or test a partner.
as an adult you made a choice. to remain celibate until marriage. now you are rethinking that choice and that's fine, but I think before you make any decisions about this guy you need to figure out what you want to do FOR YOU...
and be aware that I'm pretty sure you will opt to have sex with him (and that's fine) but also be aware that it's probable that the relationship will not survive long term. (overseas LDRs rarely do)
best of luck to you and by all means keep us posted on how it's going.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo Very Confused 3 long visits? Hmm I am not sure If that will work.
Thanks to all. This post will be updated I'm sure once we do see each other. This guy is really rocking my world from far away and I know he will not disappoint. If I do get hurt in the process I will be disappointed in myself and my choices. I need some help for sure.
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female
reader, MSA +, writes (10 July 2014):
 OP, it sounds like you're very unsure of what you want. You want to have sex but only with your husband to be; You feel he is THE ONE, but you're afraid that having sex with him too soon will cause him to lose interest. Please don't stress yourself too much over this sex issue. Do whatever feels right and natural at the moment. Go with your heart.. I agree with SVC, do not let him pressure you to do anything you don't feel comfortable doing. If it feels right go ahead with it, if not, say no.What I mean by take it slow is both your feelings and sex. I'm not saying for you to HAVE sex or DON'T HAVE sex, just go with your heart. Don't over think or stress about this sex issue, just let it come naturally. There's no right or wrong time for it and just because you hold off a few visits to have sex will not always garauntee the relationship will last forever, vice versa. The only way to ensure a lifetime with each other is trust, honesty, communication, compromise and both of your desires to be together and work towards your forever. Of course passion, chemistry, and sex does play a role too.In the meantime, enjoy getting to know him and your phone conversations. Plan together things you both will do and places you will go during his visit!
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 July 2014):
" I feel in my heart that I have found him " ( your future husband ).
Uhm. Pardon me , but if you really felt this way, what would be the point of your post ?.
You will only have sex with your future husband. You feel sure in your heart that he is the one. Then, have sex.
Why wondering if he might lose interest , if he still would want you and desire after you have put out on a first " date " ?.... He's your future husband , remember ?, your destined soul mate, he's not just some guy picked up on a Friday night out ,who could be smooth talking you to get into your pants a couple of times, and then get bored ; if he's the one, how could he be influenced negatively by your desire to be intimate ?...
That, i.e. , if you felt SURE about his love, his staying power, his willingness to commit. But it sounds more like your heart WANTS you be sure, while your brain tells you ( reasonably ) that, in the circumstances, you can't really be sure of anything ...
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 July 2014):
OP for you I would strongly urge you to go with at least 3 long visits before you engage in sexual activity.
IF he tries to pressure you into activity and you are not ready, realize this means that his personality is such that he will probably always pressure you to do things he wants to do that you don't and that's a lack of respect for you on his part.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTake it slow? As in no sex? Please elaborate. Thanks for the good luck wishes. I hope for the best.
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female
reader, MSA +, writes (10 July 2014):
OP, unfortunately even with the gut feeling that he is THE ONE... you will never be sure until that day finally comes for the both of you to walk down the aisle together. Please always have faith and hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
It's definitely not easy being in a LDR, it takes A LOT of trust, communication and commitment on both parties. This will be especially difficult since he is half way around the world. My BF lives about 6 hrs by plane away, the first time we met was in February and since then we've seen each other 3 times, the 4th time is coming up in a couple of weeks. So, you seeing him in August then October sounds like a good plan.
Bear in mind that during the course of your relationship, you will discover things about each other that might need compromise and understanding; you will have misunderstandings or miscommunications; there will be obstacles after obstacles; but in the end of the day if you two have the desire to be together, you will fight for this to work out.
Don't worry too much for now, take it slow and enjoy your time together.
Best of luck to the both of you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMSA thanks for this insight. I'm very sexual but have been celibate for a year and a half. I know I'm not opening this legs for no other person than my husband. I feel in my heart I've found him. I am sexually drawn to him too so the pressure is not only for him. Because it's LDR and based on our schedule after next mth next time I'll see him is October. I know I can't hold it with him so I'm trying to find out if it's true that with a LDR one should not give it up the first visit. I've read it somewhere in those relationship books. I don't want my sexual desires to ruin a friendship budding like this...Questions like will he still want and desire me this way if we have sex us brewing in my mind....
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female
reader, MSA +, writes (10 July 2014):
Let me share my experience with you. I had sex with my current LDR BF after about 5 days of seeing each other, during his first visit. If I were an outsider looking at this, I would say it's too soon as I have never had sex with anyone that soon; I've always waited at least a month. However, at that moment, it felt right. It all really depends on how you feel, there's no right or wrong timing. When the moment is right, you will know it in your heart. If you are in doubt then it may not be the right time.It's also normal for two adults who are dating to look forward to having sex when they are together, especially those couples in a LDR. It's a form of affection and desire for each other. Personally, I would wonder if my LDR BF is not looking forward to having sex with me each time we see each other. I understand how some may see planning a marriage or future together so early in the relationship may raise a red flag. However, some people are open and affectionate like that. I find that particularly true in European men. They are more expressive emotionally and physically. Don't let that scare you away, although it is wise to take it slow and let his actions prove his words.Lastly, please remember that each relationship is unique. I respect your choice, should you choose to hold off sex until after marriage, but please don't let a past relationship hinder you from giving your all in this current relationship. It's not fair to you or to him. Best of luck to you!!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 July 2014):
I've done LDRs but I am very open sexually and never wanted to wait. My husband and I when we were LDR the first two visits were not very sexual... and I was confused.
He's just not got a high drive... Now I know better.
I realize you are caught up in the "this might be the one" potential... and all the excitement but I sense a LOT of red flags here.
1. he barely knows you and is talking marriage (and you are too)
2. he's made it clear he's going to TRY to get you into bed (and I do not doubt he will try)
personally I would not be comfortable NOT having an intimate physical relationship with someone LDR or local if we were exclusive. To me sex is something natural that adults do by choice. IF you choose not to be sexual with him then that's your choice. Personally adults who choose not to be sexual with their exclusive partners make me think there is a sexual dysfunction of some sort going on with them. (ED for men or other hang ups etc)
I am NOT saying that is what your issue is in any way shape or form as you have clearly said your drive is high but your choice is due to emotional pain (and that's a wise choice)
I would NOT be intimate on the first visit. I would not let him stay at your home to avoid the temptation and do not go up to his hotel room with him either.
You may find later on that
a. you have lifestyle issues that are not compatible. for example my husband and I were LDR and we never gave much thought to the fact that he's a night owl and i"m a lark. There are mornings on the weekend we pass each other as he's GOING to bed and I'm getting up.... not conducive to building a life together...
b. you are not sexually compatible with him. He's a wham bam thank you ma'am kind of guy and you want slow long romantic build ups and lots of foreplay.....
the one thing that matters is that you are TRUE to yourself and do not cave to PRESSURE but rather you make a CHOICE to do what you wish as is best FOR YOU.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): Ok I hear all you have said. I wanted to know if any of you were in a LDR and didn't have a problem having sex with your SO when you met them. Just curious. My sexual adrenaline is running high and I may bend when he comes. Ofcourse I'll regret if we don't work out but something about what we have tells me we are going to marry. He also wants to have kids immediately. At this age all these are what I also want. We want to start speaking to a counselor about our plans. This is just different.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): You barely know this man, he lives in another country, so I would be extremely cautious about marriage. Don't have sex with him and reconsider a marriage or talk of it until you know him a lot better.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 July 2014):
One should wait as long as she has decided to wait.
If for reasons of yours you have made your mind up to abstain from sex till marriage- well, then this exactly how long you should wait : till marriage - regardless of how many visits and how many temptations. At yor age , things do not " just happen "- if you do not want them to happen , you make sure not to let them happen. Like, being sure he got what you mean and why, and he's on board wth that. NOT having him sleep with you, and possibly NOT at your place (send him to an hotel or fob him off to friends ). Go out on dates and sightseeing, do not just spend time making out on your couch. Join group outings with friends . Do not get drunk or stoned.
Sounds excessive ? Paranoid ?
Well, you are the one who said you do not want to have sex before marriage, so you should try to make avoiding slip ups easier for yourself .
Particularly because you do not sound so determined, if in the same post you say you have decided to wait until marriage AND ask how long should you wait to have sex.
Particularly because your bf first says he's cool with your request, then in the next breath he says " it's not realistic ". Why ? Everything is realistic, as long as two people want the same thing, and both take it seriously the same.
I know this is not what you asked advice about but I'll risk a word of caution : you JUST met him ( briefly I suppose ). You have chatted for a few days or weeks , with an ocean between you, and he already wants to marry you. So basically he is ( and you are ) talking marriage with a perfect stranger. You live in USA , and he lives in Europe.
Now, yes I know , not everybody is after a Green Card, particularly in Europe , - obviously it depends, if he is , say, a Swiss banker I doubt he'd be much bothered about getting a Green Card. On the other hand... there's something strange here, people in your age range do not just want to get married based on a few texts or phone calls. Maybe he is just an impulsive guy, but.... better safe than sorry , so watch out for hidden agendas.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): Well, if you've decided to wait till marriage, you have pretty strong convictions about it and I would think long and hard about changing your mind. (I've made the same decision you did, btw--I slept with one person, regretted it, and decided not to do it again till I was married. I'm 24.)Anyway, if you definitely want to wait until your wedding night, you NEED to make sure that your bf respects your decision to wait. YOU need to decide for YOURSELF what you are comfortable with. What exactly are you abstaining from? Full intercourse or all sexual contact? Then, talk to your bf about what you are comfortable with, before he comes to visit. If he can't wait, he will leave. That is a possibility that I'm sure you are aware of. I hope that he will respect your wish to wait, and not try to pressure you or hope that you'll "give in". It may help to remind him that waiting till marriage does not mean waiting forever. I don't see why you couldn't be engaged in a year, if you are confident in your relationship. Frankly, I think that, after a year, you know if you want to marry a person or not.Now, for the August visit:AVOID TEMPTATION!! That is key. Hang out with other friends around. Don't spend too much time snuggling on the couch. Sleep in separate beds. If some "heavy petting" starts and you think it's going to far, suggest taking a walk around the neighborhood to get calmed down.I want to reiterate one thing: Don't change your mind just for him!! If you break up you will regret it even more than you did the first time!
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