A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a male with a high-sex drive in my mid twenties. I have had a lot of partners and dated even more women, but only one previous lover.I met this new girl who I am absolutely attracted to in multiple dynamics and hope her to be my next love. A lot of things about her show how well we match together. We have been dating for over a month now and all we have done is go out on dates, eat meals together, and spend the night together. However, our relationship has not moved past kissing/hugging/surface touching...basically, nothing sexual. My opening statement should explain the problem I am having here. I am truly drawn to this woman. I really want to get sexual and intimate with her, but her own insecurities and personal issues are keeping me from this. She has a fear from previous experiences with guys that I will leave or cheat on her. However, us spending so much time together should show her that our relationship is exclusive and my mind is set on her.I have been patient in putting up with this behavior, but I recently been thinking "how long should I wait". When we first started dating, I did try to get sexual with her, but I respected her decision to refuse. After the first few attempts, I completely stopped trying and focused on our emotional relationship and building a nonsexual connection with her. So far, seems like we are headed the right direction, but a part of me feels the missing piece, sex. I have shown her that I am not a selfish guy by waiting as long as I have...more so than I ever have with any other girl and shown that I do consider her feelings and her pace. What should I do? How can I bring up the topic with her next time we're in bed? any suggestions? Is the standard 3-month no-sex limit fair for me to call it quits? Is it possible she may be hiding (or denying) her inhibitions and we actually DO sexually match? Could use a female perspective. All criticism is welcome.
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female
reader, unmeidaagonyaunt +, writes (23 October 2011):
 This relationship is already mismatched from the start on a sexual level.
My question to you is this: if you know that she moves slowly and you move quickly on the sexual front, WHY are you trying to pursue this further? Mismatched sexual tastes are easily one of the top reasons for discord in relationships.
I understand that you like this girl and you are drawn to her. However, your approach has no easy answers and -- when it all boils down to its essence -- one of you is going to end up being frustrated and feeling short-changed. Why even go there?
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (18 October 2011):
 I believe the question assumes that we all have sex with our partners at the same time into the relationship. I also believe that my merely stating this is enough to show that this is not the case.
I feel that the real question is "should I keep waiting, or not?" And that is something that only the original poster can decide for himself. He has to define how long he wants to wait. If later it turns out that he waited for too long, or just the right time, or didn't wait enough, that comes with making decisions under uncertainty, which is something everyone has to live with.
The poster clearly thinks that his girl is denying him sex. If that is the case, it would be good for him to know why.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): You need to reread your own words here and pretend you are this woman reading them. It's fairly obvious that your whole idea of a relationship is based on whether she will have sex with you, because you pressed for it right away, then you waited a month, which isn't very long, and you say you're willing to give her up and move on to your next ”love“ if she won't have sex after a time limit. You also sound like someone who moves from partner to partner easily, so I think she is right to be very cautious about getting more involved with you. A month is really a very short time to know someone before entering into a sexual relationship with them if you expect to have a lasting and true love. Not that it can't work if you start a sexual relationship more quickly but it's less likely to for most people.I'm confused also, that you're in bed together? You're kissing/hugging/touching/ and you're in bed together. Until you are her boyfriend and you've proven that you're here to stay in her life you shouldn't even be considered as a partner.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 October 2011):
 "I am truly drawn to this woman. I really want to get sexual and intimate with her"
Maybe a re-phrase is needed? I am truly drawn to this woman. I really want a great and intimate relationship with her.
Makes the world of a difference. If you want to get into the sack, commit first.
"However, us spending so much time together should show her that our relationship is exclusive and my mind is set on her."
But, have you discussed the two of you being exclusive? Have the talk, I think it'll make a big difference. Make it obvious. I want a relationship with you, I really really digg you, you are amazing, can I be your boyfriend? Make it official. Introduce her to friends and family as your girlfriend. Change your facebook status if you feel like it. Just make it official one way or the other. Talk to her first of course. Make it impossible for there to be a misunderstanding. You want to be her boyfriend. The sex should naturally come after that, you'll just have to wait and she'll start to hump you eventually. Women have urges too after all.
I'm wondering how soon after you started dating did you try to get sexual with her? Was it after a month, or was it after the first date? What might have happened is that you pushed for it too soon. If you have sex too soon you build the relationship on sex, which isn't the best move if what you are aiming for is a long and lasting relationship. Maybe she took your early signs to mean all you want is sex, and therefor she is holding you on the bench extra long to see what your true personality is like. To see if all you want is sex or not.
Ask yourself and be honest with yourself, do you want a RELATIONSHIP or do you just want SEX? I take it you want a relationship (one that includes sex naturally, but still, relationship first)? Just be honest with yourself, and then be honest with her.
I personally hold the golden rule of exclusivity first, then sex. And I wait two weeks into an official relationship before sex. The counting on "how long have we waited with sex" starts only after the relationship has started. From your question it was unclear if you are still just dating, or if you are boyfriend/girlfriend.
3 months waiting into an official relationship (a relationship other people know exist that is) is way longer than I'd want to wait, unless there was a particularly good reason for it. Maybe she's a virgin. Ask her. Be up front and honest, women groove honesty.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): "However, us spending so much time together should show her that our relationship is exclusive and my mind is set on her."A month says nothing when you are thinking LTR for 40 years."I have been patient in putting up with this behavior, but I recently been thinking "how long should I wait"."Incredibly inpatient and self centered and ready to move on to the next STR instead of a true LTR."but a part of me feels the missing piece, sex."Of course, you are like any of us, you want to have sex."I have shown her that I am not a selfish guy by waiting as long as I have...more so than I ever have with any other girl and shown that I do consider her feelings and her pace."Jesus Christ Almighty! It sounds like you got crucified because you have had to wait for a month to have sex....really....have you no hands?"Is the standard 3-month no-sex limit fair for me to call it quits?"Do what you want, there are no standards...."Is it possible she may be hiding (or denying) her inhibitions and we actually DO sexually match? Could use a female perspective. All criticism is welcome."Yeah, she could have been abused sexually and you won't find out for 20 years till she can tell someone, or 40 years, but frankly, I'm a guy, and you don't have more sex drive than anyone else except in your own mind, but you are thinking with your dick still.Think with your head that is on your shoulders.
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A
female
reader, Koala Bear  +, writes (17 October 2011):
 Although it depends on the person, I think three months of dating before sex or advancing to other intimate activities is the absolute minimum. (I'm more traditional). Don't mistake "insecurities" for being trust. I don't see her moving forward with you to the next level due to the lack of TRUST she has in you, not because of an insecurity. Sorry but you can't place a time limit on building trust. You asked if you should "call the quits" after three months. That's all up to you to decide. But just know this, if you don't change they way you date now from the way you dated in the past then how can you expect different results? The benefits of a celibate relationship is so two people begin to know each other for who they really are without the deed of sex to sway your thinking. The hormones and toxins released during sex will alter your judgment. It's like a drug. It will back fire if the two those involved aren't ready to get completely lost in/with each other. Without feeling, love, or respect sex is just sex. Perhaps this is why you have had "many" partners. If you are going to find the one, and lasting companionship then I would suggest you take this slow and get to know her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): waiting 1 month doesn't show you're not selfish. Waiting until she is ready shows you're not selfish, and that you respect her.
Just because it's the longest you've waited for sex, doesn't mean it's her longest. My bf waited a year for me, because he loved me.
Why not talk to her about it, and see where she is on the whole sex-front. Explain how you feel, and that you would like to get intimate, and take it from there.
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A
female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (17 October 2011):
 We all have different sex drives, mine as a woman is incredibly high and I would be in the same situation as you if a partner wasn't ready to have sex after a month, I'd be questioning "where is this going"You need to ask yourself are you willing to wait, and if you do will she really be sexual compatiable to you. It's a tough call as you obviously care about this lady, and you dint want to pressure her into sex (a great quality!) but further down the line if your drives don't match will it work.Unfortunately only you can decide, but I suggest don't give up on her or romance just yet maybe she is a little shy, maybe she hasn't had sex before, there are lots of maybes - you should most certainly talk to her about how you would like to take it to the next level and see what she says, when/if you do be gentle and loving it might be the start of an amazing relationship!
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (17 October 2011):
I did the exact same thing you did when we frist started to date and tryed to get sexual.No bueno. My girlfriend had the same insecurities as your girlfriend. I waited 3 moths after asking her when we frist started to date and she asked me. So my advice is if you like her alot then sex doesnt matter and that you should wait as long as possible until she is comfortable. This does strengthen your relationship....
ALSO what do you mean "How can I bring up the topic with her next time we're in bed?"????..... confusing me..
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