A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys. I'm in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend; we see each other about once a month or once every two months and talk online and on the phone every.single.night. This was FINE at first, when everything was still fresh, you know? But now I just find her so, terribly clingy. She needs me to text her several fucking times a day, she needs me to be online EVERY NIGHT, we have to phone for at least an hour EVERY NIGHT, and if I push back when I'm travelling to see her by one or two days she'll put me on a guilt trip, or make fucking irritating passive aggressive comments that I can't respond to without making the situation even worse. On a less serious (but equally irritating) note, she won't let me just GET ON with general day-to-day tasks. She constantly wants a hug or she wants attention when I'm fucking TRYING to do something important.I'm just fucking sick of it. She is SO needy. The problem is I *can't* finish with her. We've both been diagnosed with depression and hers is particularly bad. Not to sound dramatic, but I really worry for what she'd do without me. She really does need me, to be honest. I am all she has and she wouldn't last long without my support. But I need space and I need a relationship that isn't this smothering.I can't even sit down to talk to her about this because she just takes so much offence at even the tiniest thing, plus her aforementioned mental state doesn't leave much room to talk these things through. If I go out for a drink after work (bear in mind that WE DON'T EVEN LIVE TOGETHER) she'll constantly send me texts, "I thought you finished work at half 4, it's 5pm, where are you". She once even told me she was offended because she thought I'd rather be in a pub than online (AGAIN) talking to her. I'm sorry but what the fuck? I NEED space. She wants us to get a place together and I worry that nothing will change. I won't be able to do anything. She wants to do everything together and I really desperately need my space, but whenever I suggest this it triggers this massive mental breakdown. She refuses to get therapy, she refuses to get a consultation for anti-depressants, she refuses to see my point of view without taking offence... I mean what do I do?I absolutely love her but I can't bear this any more. How do you deal with an overbearing girlfriend whose mental issues don't allow for you to either talk through your problems or end the relationship?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): Hey guys, I'm the guy that initially asked this question. I really appreciate every response I've had. I was expecting a much harsher reaction! I'm not at all a weak partner, I'm very strong to be quite honest. Definitely the stronger of the two. The reason this relationship hasn't ended yet is because I'm considerate and empathic (not to sound smug), and I'm not ENTIRELY unhappy. It's about smoothing the creases but that isn't easy, particularly with someone you love and a relationship you want to continue.She doesn't USE her mental illness to manipulate, that's the thing. I know she wouldn't cope without me because of my observations, not because of her hints.I don't know if you all get updates when a question is replied to, but if V still reads this it'd be awesome to get in touch. I get the impression we're in similar places. I'll keep checking back here for a reply!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): I don't think anyone here is going to deny that it's very difficult to leave such a relationship. Some relationships are harder to leave than others, and this kind is definitely one that is extremely difficult to end even though you feel like you are dying inside of it.
But the truth is that leaving is probably the best thing to do - no matter how difficult it is - because the consequences of staying are going to be even worse than the consequences of leaving.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): Bro your story is a REALLY accurate reflection of my life as well.
I'm working in a city 6 hours away from my girlfriend (of two years)and we see each other once every week or two. I talk to her online most of the day and put her to sleep every night. The slightest mistake I make ticks her off and we would get into some sort of fight over the phone every day because shes mad that I had to leave her for work (which I have no choice about). Recently I started to become less forgiving with her but this just brings up more arguments. I feel like I have absolutely no freedom and its ruining me.
Anyways bro, you're not alone. I know everyone else here is telling you to end it or tell her to change, but personally its not that easy and the same probably goes for you.
-V
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): You say you love her but this relationship sounds under great strain and that's not good. Your girlfriend is extremely needy. You say you can not finish with her, so does that mean you are together forever regardless? Relationships sometimes end and as an adult you have to deal with these thngs, mental issues or not. You cannot be locked into a relationship for fear of what the other person might do. That is very unhealthy. Think of this - you both might just be happier with other people. That's life.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (8 January 2011):
I totally agree with the anon's below who talked about "emotional blackmail" and "co-dependecy"...
Your girlfriend is being emotionally abusive. The anger and resentment in your tone is a clear sign that this is taking a huge toll on you mentally. And she's refusing to seek any kind of help or treatment which means the relationship is unlikely to change instead it's likely to worsen unless you change your behavior by either trying to influence her to change hers, and if that doesn't work, then to leave the relationship.
I have a close family member (a twin brother) who was and still is in your situation. It's a complete mess and it's tearing our family apart because his needy clingy girlfirend became a needy clingy wife (he "couldn't" end the relationship and thus had to marry her eventually when she started demanding it) and the latest is this has progressed to splitting him off from the rest of his family because she "needs" him all to herself now.
Like the below female anon said about her male friend who was also like that, he couldn't get out of the relationship when he first started to get very uncomfortable because he was too weak and afraid of her falling apart and guilt-ridden, and ended up having to marry her because she "needed" it, and now they have kids because she also "needed" it. Everything in their relationship is her unilateral decision because she has a bottomless pit of "needs" so he has no say. So he's even more trapped and miserable in his life and he has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety recently. even when he feels crappy all the time after years of enduring her smothering behavior he has forgotten what it's like to not be feeling crappy every day, so now he expects to feel crappy when he wakes up, it's a self fulfilling prophecy and he's come to believe this is a normal existence. I believe also that whereas he started out loving her, years of emotional abuse (yes this behavior is emotionally abusive) has eroded away his feelings of love for his wife. That's not surprising at all.
Don't let this become you too. You're on that path right now and it's still early, but all the warning signs are there.
You're doing the right thing of recognizing the red flags now and seeking help. If you really can't muster up the strength to leave the relationship, then seek professional counseling for yourself even if she won't go with you or on her own.
Here's some links about co-dependency in intimate relationships especially when it comes to having a clingy girlfriend/wife. they sound similar to your post.
http://www.articlesbase.com/breakup-articles/stuck-in-a-codependent-relationship-with-a-needy-controlling-or-emotionally-volatile-woman-892418.html
http://www.codependencyfreedom.com/clingy-girlfriend-or-wife-13-signs-of-an-unhealthy-or-codependent-relationship.html
http://www.codependencyfreedom.com/learn-how-to-know-if-you-are-codependent.html
Note that in a co-dependent romantic relationship, the clingy/needy/controlling partner definitely has issues. But the "strong" partner has issues too that are enabling the clingy partner to stay that way and eventually become even worse. The "strong" partner is actually not strong at all but is equally weak just in the opposite way so both partners worsen each other's issues.
Again, I've seen first hand how the "stronger" partner can get trapped deeper and deeper because they're too weak to do their part to end the cycle of emotional abuse or to get out. The longer you stay the harder it is to get out of such relationships.
Right now you're being successfully coerced into giving up more and more of your independence. things will not get better by you caving in (it's just an illusion when she temporarily keeps quiet), she will never be satisfied and will just keep wanting more and more because in the past demanding you change your behavior to suit her clingy needs has always worked so of course she'll keep wanting more and expecting to get it.
A HUGE RED FLAG (but which is totally not surprising at all) is that she now wants to move in with you. I really hope you will not cave into this after all that you have written in your post about your relationship.
If you get successfully coerced into moving in together, it's only a matter of time before you get coerced into marriage and kids. Then you're REALLY trapped because innocent lives (children) will be involved.
Relationships like this will break down (even if the relationship never ends because you "can't" leave and yet it doesn't get better) meaning you will stop having feelings of love and affection and trust and respect for her and she will stop having those feelings for you too, but both for your different reasons that fuel one another's reasons. This is a very unhealthy way to live. Being too weak to leave such a toxic relationship, you may fall into unhealthy coping mechanisms later on.
So, since you're asking for help. Listen to what others are telling you which is to encourage her to be more independent i.e. encourage her to take responsibility for getting the help she needs to make herself mentally healthy again, instead of expecting and relying on you to make her feel better but which doesn't address her underlying issues. To do this you need to stop being her crutch otherwise she'll have no incentive to help herself but even more incentive to rely on you more and more. If she continues to refuse to help herself thereby making the relationship intolerable to you, then you need to leave the relationship.
It could be that leaving her will be the kick in the rear end that gets her to finally seek help for herself, because she no longer has a crutch to lean on so she must learn to rely on herself. If she gets professional help and works on her issues, you may then return to the relationship at some point in the future if you so desire, when she's in a healthier state (but you need to work on your issues too so you don't fall back into the old patterns too if she does).
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (8 January 2011):
 You need to get out of this. She might be depressed, but it's not YOUR responsibility to make sure that she's okay. IF she refuses to go to therapy or go to see a doctor, then that's not your problem. She needs help that you can't give her, and holding onto this abusive (yes ABUSIVE) relationship won't be good at all for you in the long run. Her being possessive and clingy WILL NOT get better if you decide to live with her. Believe me, it will only provide her with a 24/7 way to monitor you. If you stick with this girl just because you're afraid for her safety, then you're in for a long and uncomfortable life with someone that you're not even content with. If everyone stayed with someone for fear of them getting hurt emotionally or physically, no one would get anywhere, and would never be happy. This girl is using her illness to trap you. Pity is the easiest manipulation for someone with any kind of conscience, but believe me, she's not helpless without you. If she does something silly, then that's on her, not you. My fiance's ex would threaten suicide constantly, and when he finally split with her, she sliced her wrist open with a kitchen knife. He got her help, but then didn't look back. He stayed with her for a long time in utter misery because he was afraid for her safety. But after a while, you just need to realize that HER life is not YOUR responsibility. It's hers. She's going to be have issues with or without you in her life, and that's what depression is for someone who out right REFUSES to get help. I've suffered from depression, and still do. But I've been to therapy numerous times and have been on two different types of medication.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): there's a word that characterizes your girlfriend's favorite strategy: EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_blackmail
http://www.angelfire.com/biz/BPD/blackmail.html
http://peterfox.com.au/family_blackmail.htm
it's a form of emotional abuse. Abusers often are not intending to be abusive but end up being so cos they have serious issues and refuse to deal with them to get themselves sorted out. Thus because they refuse to sort out their issues, they have all this baggage building up and guess who gets to deal with it? You!
You're worried she wont' survive without you? come on, don't be arrogant. You weren't always in her life. How did she ever manage to live before she met you? She'll survive without you if you leave her now, just like she managed to live before she met you. If she threatens suicide, then you call a suicide hotline and get her to professional help ASAP. If she needs to be hospitalized in a psychological ward for her own safety then that's what should happen. It shouldn't be you being trapped with her while hating every minute because you're afraid she "can't survive" without you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): You need to leave her. My friend had a girlfriend JUST LIKE YOURS. They were long distance too. It went on for YEARS because he was too f***king afraid to break up with her even though he felt exactly the same as you. and guess what? she just got worse and worse over time. (This kind of behavior never gets better - the more you give in to her "needs" the worse and needier she will get....) and now they are MARRIED WITH KIDS because she 'needed' it or she coulnd't handle it.
He is SO MISERABLE now. His life consists of going to work and tending to her needs. He has no life of his own. He's not allowed to. He didn't originally have depression, now he does.
Moral of the story - you need to be strong and leave her now before you get dragged into the quicksand. At some point you will "have" to marry if you don't do something about it now. because eventualyl she'll "need" that from you.
She's responsible for her own feelings, you aren't responsible for her feelings.
she's responsible for taking care of her own physical and mental health. Not you.
You're an "enabler". She refuses to get therapy or meds despite her diagnosis of depression because you're allowing her to use you as her emotional crutch.
Do a google search for "co dependency". that's YOU. and it's common in romantic relationships - clingy needy controlling woman and a weak man who's too afraid to say no to her because she'll have a melt down and blame it on him.
She needs professional help. she has to take responsibility for her own mental health. As long as you do everything she wants cos you're afraid of her melt downs, she will not get the help she requires cos it's so much easier to just demand you meet her needs because you will.
it will drain you even more the longer you let this continue.
Also I recommend the book "Who's Pulling Your Strings" by Harrie Braiker which is about how to deal with CONTROLLING, MANIPULATIVE PEOPLE. cos that's what your girlfriend is. You're allowing yourself to be a victim. And like all victims, you're displaying the symptoms of being in this kind of relationship which is you feel so much resentment and hostility toward her and you're depressed and feel powerless about your situation that's why you're here posting in desperation.
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A
female
reader, cat lady +, writes (8 January 2011):
 I heartily recommend a book called 'Illusions' by Richard Bach. It's not a long book and you can get a used one cheaply:
http://www.amazon.com/Illusions-Adventures-Reluctant-Richard-Bach/dp/0385319258/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1294460918&sr=8-1
You'll know why I suggested it when you get to the part about psychic vampires. What's happening to you feels a lot like having your blood drained, doesn't it? When people act hurt because you don't do what they want, that's what they're doing to you. It's worse when you actually care for someone of that type because any reasonable effort on your part to protect yourself makes you feel guilty. This one needs to weaned and fast.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): I'm compelled to respond.My depression has never been as bad as your girlfriend's, but I have been known to be very clingy to my boyfriends. I would wake up to them, revolve my day around them, and build my schedule just to make room for them, and I knew sometimes it was annoying but.. here's my point.Being told that someone else needs space hurts. The best thing that you can do is to support her and tell her she's able to change, and get over this depression/clingyness. Instead of saying you need time away from her, try your best and somehow make her independent. For you and for herself.If she loves you, she should understand you can no way depend on her because of how she reacts to things. You shouldn't really feel guilty, but you are handling it in a bit of a rough way. Simply explain that for any type of relationship growth to continue, you both need to have a bit of independence and a lot more support/understanding from both parties.hope I helped.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (8 January 2011):
 I can sense your pain. And that you are torn. Anyone else would feel the same.
The situation is intolerable, and has to be addressed. Please conside the following suggestion: make an appointment for couples counselling, to be attended together. Tell her you will be there, support her, when she attends with you. If she refuses to go with you, then attend alone. I think it will help, a lot, and make life bearable for you in the future. Best wishes.
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