A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I'm in the military and been married for just over 12 years and have a 4 year old son. We met in college over 20 years ago, but didn't get married until I joined the military 13 years ago. Our marriage has had ups and downs before and we went through some abbreviated marriage counseling in our 5th year of marriage. Things seemed to get better, especially after the birth of our son, but got worse after my last transfer; we've changed places every three years, with my wife accompanying me each time. Over the past 3 years, however, I noticed my wife slowly move more into a shell of sorts, away from me and towards her friends she has cultivated on the internet. The lack of attention and affection started to become more noticeable over the last year and coincided with her having to take allergy medication due to the pollution and weather in the area. She also concentrated more on the computer and less on chores around the house or taking care of my son. I would find her shutting the door often to escape both him and me, and oftentimes come home to find my unsupervised son wreaking havoc in the living room while she was 'only away for a minute' inside her computer room. I often voiced my concern and ever increasing frustration, only to be met with cold looks and similar frustration. All this eventually ended up in a HUGE explosion on my part, a tirade one Sunday morning after I woke up late to find the living room trashed and the wife, unconcerned, on the computer with the door locked. I was also berated for my handling of my son's discipline. After the confrontation and her not speaking to me for the better part of a day, I asked for forgiveness and was told she wanted to move back to our home state while I went back overseas this time instead of accompanying me there. Since then, I have gone to anger management and had two counseling sessions with a therapist, one with the wife. I have found out from her I am a controlling, angry person who will ask for her opinion, but do what I want, and that she feels only like baggage and needs to find 'her old self' that she lost. She also gave me "I don't know" answers to questions like "Do you love me", "Do you trust me", and "What can I do to fix this". I was taken aback, obviously, by all of this and am trying to get her to communicate with me, but most everything I get from her is pretty much business about the house and my son. She will not talk about her feelings for me or be even close to intimate. She seems obviously sceptical about further counseling, although I keep trying to get her to go. I am leaving now for overseas in less than 2 months and using most of the remaining time packing, moving, and with my son - and wife, if she'll go places with us, although she always seems to not want to for various reasons. I am starting to understand, I think, that she wants her own identity and not that of being my wife. Unfortunately, she seems to have not tried to realize this for a while now, or until the past few years, and even then most of what she has talked about has been talk, and not come to reality. My questions are pretty varied; I invite anyone wanting more details to ask in your post and I'll reply. 1. Should I have questioned her or still question her actions as a stay at home mom? 2. How long does it usually take women to stop holding grudges and hate, and will it be easier separate for two years? 3. Does her long hours on the computer (more than 4 a day) count as an addiction? 4. Do you think this marriage has a chance to work. If so, what will it take from both of us.
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (6 May 2008):
 Personally I must say that I wouldn't leave it months before you write to your wife about how you feel.
What she needs right now is reassurance and help and if she actually admits that she needs help that is the biggest hurdle. Believe me I went through postnatal and normal depression over the last 7 years and admitting to yourself that you need help is the hardest thing.
If she is getting advice online from the church this may help slightly but personally I don't think it is the right kind of help. Is there anything the military can do to put her in touch with people who can help her with childcare for your son or his school or playgroup as she has all the balls to hold right now and I know that being a single mum it is hard sometimes to think for yourself when your tension levels are at their highest because your child is pushing all your buttons.
She needs to involve herself with some other mums and perhaps then she would get the support and help that could make her worries with your son and fitting into a new area easier. Maybe suggest playgroups for your son and for her to get a chance of a coffee and a chat while your son plays in a safe and secure environment. Women will talk to other women and if she is constantly on the move when you go away she finds making friends hard as they never remain as it is moving time again.
Look I think why not suggest she finds help from this site even so that she can chat and discuss her problems online with other people who are not necessarily religious but who have had similar experiences to her and at least then if she doesn't want to get professional help she is at least talking to someone or a few of us here maybe.
If you find that one or more aunts/uncles have helped then tell her the names and perhaps she can message them direct. Perhaps knowing that you have had some help emotionally might encourage her to go down the same route.
Talk to her or write to her now as we can often express ourselves much more in a written letter and say how much you want to work this through and although you would love to be at home with her and your son you want to help her in whatever way you can and to support her 100%. Knowing that you are not about to give up on her will give her some peace of mind honest.
Hope some of this helps.
Take Care.
BFN
Country Woman
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): I think time apart might do you both a world of good. It seems when were angry, we can't see straight and only make things worse when we try. Give her space. In the mean time, try to reflect on what all that hapened. Understand your role in it and in a month or two or more, maybe consider writing her a letter. Take your time writing this letter, be honest and open and try to reopen a good dialogue with her.
When things go sour, when trust is hurt, it can take quite some time to get over it.
Continue talking to a therapist, and find out what other benefits the military will provide you and take full advantage of it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the great responses. To update you, I'm now overseas in Japan. My 'vacation' with the parents mostly consisted of me arranging and setting up the apartment for my Wife and Son, sorting through most of the boxes, and dumping the garage stuff off in a storage at my folks house in the country. Although I did find some time to myself, it was few and far between. I did have plenty of time with my son, and he loves going to his Grandparents house, which is only a 5 minute drive away (thank God).
Things were strained, however, from the moment the Wife and I got back together after her visit with her relatives. I think a lot of it had to do with the stress of moving and setting up the house. I've come to the conclusion she doesn't like to move, and I can't blame her, but her main reaction seems to it all seems to be shut down mode. It took my infinite motion to get the apartment to livable mode. Add the additional stress of a 40th birthday and uncertainty of my transfer to Japan, and you have the drama meter turned up high.
Some of the drama: I went out one night for coffee after she had told me she'd be online with her friends. After they canceled, she came for a cup of coffee and to confront me for having a shitty attitude. No attitude (up to that point, at least) but I decided to bring up her treatment of me, which brought us to a somewhat heated discussion in public and some revelations It seems that one of her friends on 'Second Life' was a minister just out of seminary and was the one with whom she had been talking. The other was that she knew where and how to push my buttons, because I got pretty defensive. It ended with me telling her that whether or not she was ready to move on and go to a professional counselor with me, I was ready anyway and I would go to whomever she wanted.
Tension stayed high until I went through the roof when I found out she hadn't worked the checkbook since she flew out the 20th of March almost a month ago. She just figured if there was money in the account, everything was ok. I explained to her it was a responsibility and if she owned the task, it was hers to do. Otherwise, I told her, she needed to let me do it. It took two days, but she finally did it and kept up with it till I left.
Then, to make matters worse, she twisted her ankle badly the week before I left and had to go the emergency room. Lucky for her it was a bad strain and she only needed crutches, but it was just another reminder of how she won't do the things she needs to do to take care of herself. I was starting to think she got the point, but as of right now she still hasn't done a follow-up appointment, something the doctor told her to do a week after the accident, and she's re-injured the ankle after it was getting better.
Things seemed to calm down the last few days before I left, and I actually got her to sit down and talk the night before my flight. I told her we needed to start taking care of each other: We can do the basic tasks, such as taking care of our Son and the house, but if we don't take care of each other, then there's no point in being together. She admitted she had been depressed in San Diego and had pushed me away, which only made me frustrated, which in turn made her push me away more. We had a hug and she had a good cry on my shoulder, and I told her as I had earlier that we should get professional help and she should pick someone whom she trusts. She didn’t agree or disagree.
I called her yesterday and its already back to the way it was before we left San Diego: My Son is being a boy and stressing her out, and she’s having trouble coping and can’t seem to ask anyone else for help or do anything for herself. I’m so frustrated I could spit. She seems to see the cup as half empty all the time. Help! If you have any suggestions, please, please post.
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A
female
reader, JustCallMeB +, writes (24 March 2008):
Hi.
I am glad that you are receiving photos of your son. That must really make you smile! :)
I know how you feel about being reluctant to split because of your son. (obviously, I found this website while trying to find answers to personal issues as well)
I have stayed in my marriage for 10 years for the sake of my children. (20,14&12) I have been the only one to try and make things better and hold the relationship together. It is my experience that one person cannot do it alone. I know I have managed holding things together because I am a very strong person(and there is nothing I wouldn't endure to keep my children safe/happy) and the fact that my spouse is away approx. 25 days a month. I know it may sound crazy (it does to me at times) but I figure why put the kids through a split if he's hardly ever here anyway.
I ask the "splitting" question because if a relationship isn't working then I personally feel that it is imparitive to discuss fixing a problem. I think so much can be achieved by a calm discussion with 2 people giving input. (I don't have a cooperative spouse so discussions aren't discussions...they are me saying what I feel "we" need to do "together" to make things better and in the end, getting the response "are you done yet". (all the while staring at the ceiling)
Regarding saying the "3 little words" at the end of a call:
I, personally have an issue presently myself hearing those words. In my situation I hear those words and feel they are being said out of habit. My spouse has not done anything in several years to indicate that he loves me, so hearing that you're loved when you're convinced you aren't...it's hard.
Now, I am not saying this is you/your wife's situation at all. In fact, I feel that you do love her (I mean...I love my spouse....if for no other reason than we have the children and a long time ago were very happy) You have mentioned going to counseling and trying to fix the problems so you must indeed be the one working on the relationship. That is great.
Back to the "I love you"....I would rather "see" my spouse do something to show that he loves me. I'm not talking flowers or such.....I'm talking about taking out a bag of trash once in a while. (I have always done every single chore....so the trash might sound like small potatoes....but that would make me feel good)(I've mentioned this....and to my surprise, that is out of the question) Maybe your wife has mentioned little things at some point along the line that you can remember that maybe you could do. Or maybe she's totally unplugged. When my spouse says he loves me I always reply. Not always "I love you" back. But, "That is nice to hear sometimes....but if we could spend a few minutes together that would mean more to me than just hearing the words." (this is usually not accepted well)
Obviously, from my previous post you could tell I am a big fan of "time". Sweet time. I can ask my spouse for anything but time. We don't have any financial issues and $$$ is the way he likes to fix things. (even though it doesn't) We own a very successful business. None of us want for anything.......except time and a kind word once in a while. There was a time when I would give it all up....house,cars....all of the money.....for some time. When we were in the military and poor.....that was the happiest time in our relationship. When we became successful.....one of us lost sight of what is really important....THE BIG PICTURE.
I need to say that I didn't intend to throw all my dirty laundry out there. It just seemed some of my experience coincides with things that you had mentioned. Afterall, I don't peruse websites reading about other folks problems because I have all of the answers! :) It was my first time at this website when I replied to your post. I am not one to vent or share anything with anyone usually....but I have to say....just writing some of my, for lack of a better word..."crap" here.....I feel better just having said it and knowing that is unlikely to fall upon deaf ears.
As always...I wish you the best :)
Have a great day~ B
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you "JustCallMeB" for the great post and response. In answer to your question, neither of us have told one another we want to split up, although it was starting to cross my mind. I am reluctant to do so, mostly because of my son and because of our financial situation. Not that I'm dependent on her for income, mind you. Just as an update, she took my son to her sister's house in one part of our home state while I drive across the country to my folks house in the opposite part of the state. She's been fairly good about sharing the photos she'd made of him playing with the cousins so far, but that's as far as it goes. I still tell her I love her when I end our calls, and she always says "ok" or "uh-huh" in reply.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): Thank you "JustCallMeB" for the great post and response. In answer to your question, neither of us have told one another we want to split up, although it was starting to cross my mind. I am reluctant to do so, mostly because of my son and because of our financial situation. Not that I'm dependent on her for income, mind you.Just as an update, she took my son to her sister's house in one part of our home state while I drive across the country to my folks house in the opposite part of the state. She's been fairly good about sharing the photos she'd made of him playing with the cousins so far, but that's as far as it goes. I still tell her I love her when I end our calls, and she always says "ok" or "uh-huh" in reply.
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A
female
reader, JustCallMeB +, writes (22 March 2008):
Hello.
First let me say that I am sorry you are having a difficult time.
The following are my opinions on the questions you asked.
1. Absolutely. No matter what problems one might be having....there is no excuse to just "check out" as a mother.
2. Obviously, everyone is different. If my spouse does something to upset me, all I need to hear is that he understands why what he said or did upset me. Once I know he "gets it" it is easy to let it go. Now, sometimes he just doesn't "get it" at all....and that is when I just have to forgive and move on. Personally, I think you have to measure just how long somethings should matter. For example: Is this going to matter tomorrow, in a week, in a month? Most things shouldn't and don't measure enough to waste the time. Time is the most expensive thing that no one can buy.
3. I am not sure if one can actually be addicted to a pc/internet. That would indicate that one would be completely out of touch with reality. I would be asking myself what could she be doing online that is so fascinating that she is unable to be a mother.
4. Hard question. A lot of variables here. I am sorry to say that it seems as if she "checked out" of your marriage some time ago. It takes two to make a marriage work. Hard work. If she won't communicate her feelings to you it will never work.
It is my opinion, if I asked my spouse if he loved me and his response was "I don't know"....that would be all I needed to know. "I don't know" is not an answer. Giving "I don't know" as an answer is her way of retaining the power in the relationship. It's how she can keep you working on the marriage while she wallows in anger....for whatever reason she has decided on.
Why am I qualified to give these opinions?
Because I am a wife/mother whose spouse was in the military for 10 years. Gone 80% of the year. Several 6 month deployments. He was attached to a submarine therefore communication during the time he was deployed was almost nil. We have 3 children. It was very lonely sometimes. Bedtime was the worst. Kids asleep...all was quiet....no one to talk to...share with...just "be" with. It was hard, yes....but I loved my husband....I respected his job. He was working for his country. Protecting all of us. A job only the brave are willing to do and goes unnoticed all too often.(even in a time of war) I was a wife and a mother. Two duties I have always taken ever so seriously. It is a cop out to say that someone is "checking out" of their life, marriage or motherhood because they don't like to move, or have moved too much.
Or can't deal with doing all of the housework and child rearing alone because their spouse is gone a lot. "You do what ya gotta do" UNTIL. You just put one foot in front of the other. Yes, it's easy to say....and with "love" it is easy to do. You can do anything if you want it enough.
If someone needs not to tend to there child or home because they need to "find themselves" then they definitely should not be responsible for a child or home. They need to be free to figure out whatever is they think they need. You can't walk around on eggshells hoping the person will wake up and want to be a wife/mother.
An unsupervised child and a mother "locked" in a room with a computer is more than unacceptable. Any human being would have come "unglued" in that situation.
Life is too short. You can't wait for someone to figure who or what they want to be. They should be let go. None of us should let anyone consume our time being negative. Pouting,grudges,anger and hate serve no purpose other than wasting time....wasting life.
If I may ask....
Have you asked or has she said anything about splitting up?
I wish you the very best....
And I thank you very much for keeping this country and my family safe and free.
B :)
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (15 March 2008):
I think the fact that your wife is spending time with her
parents and your son will probably bring her back into the real world right now and I think that is so important.
When we are around our own families we tend to talk about everything and I am sure your wife will open up with her parents or at least the one she is closest to if that is the case. It is weird but as parents you can always tell when someone is not right with your child and I reckon your wife's parents are no different. What I have come to realise though with my own mum since my dad died last year is that she just allows me to open up to her and doesn't push me in any way, that is the sort of thing your wife may need right now.
You have been doing the right things but as you say your wife feels pressurised about the counselling but she obviously knows that things are not right and that she probably needs it but she may get the help around her parents area but it will be on her terms and when she feels right.
You have to take a step back right now and just show her what a great dad you can be by continuing contact with your son and also asking about how she is OK.
Things are raw for her right now and so absence can be the difference in relationships so only time will tell right now. So support and care even from a distance and there is not much else you can do, don't forget the little letters or something and include your son in those if you write to your wife is possible, that is up to you at the end of the day but don't give her chapter and verse right now on how you feel but just short little notes which can be seen as your care and love for both her and your son OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 March 2008):
 Good luck to you. Your wife does need the therapy; she can't see that yet, it sounds like. I 'punished' my parents in a similar way but I just didn't realize it at the time. It was purely subconscious and actually kind of involuntary. Please continue to be loving and supportive. Maybe you should consider having someone else tackle her on the need for therapy.
All the best, and keep us posted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice given so far. To answer a few comments: Yes, I do cook and do fair share of the chores around the house (garbage, dishes, laundry) when I come home, along with take care of my son. And Yes, I have considered depression as a possibility, but haven't taken action on it.
As for an update: I had a counseling appointment scheduled for today, but she would not go. The therapist also noted she had been a reluctant participant last time. I asked my wife quite frankly later on this evening if she wanted to work on our marriage, to which she replied "quit pushing me" and "if you're trying to get me to give you an answer now, you're not going to like it". I explained that was not my intention and backed off, telling her I would not try to decide for her again from this point on. I also asked her if I was being punished in some way, and she told me no.
For those who don't know, we are traveling separately back home to allow her time with my son and her parents while I go see my folks as well.
As always, thanks for the comments and advice. I will try to give updates here as we go along, but I invite your insight, questions, and advice.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 March 2008):
I'm going to come at this question from my perspective, which is one of growing up in a household like yours. I was an 'embassy punk' as opposed to a 'military brat' but I think there are some of the same issues going on here.
Every 2-5 years, we would move. It meant getting used to a new house, a new school, new people and then just as I felt really settled in, we would move! And I had no voice in it.
Things for me came to a head in college, when my parents were overseas and I was struggling to finish my last year. I finally went into therapy and came to terms with the fact that I had been burying my anger at my parents for many years. I was leaving things undone, not communicating with my parents, I was basically acting passive-aggressive and not realizing that I was damaging myself and really hurting my parents. It took about two years of therapy to come to grips with this, but it has helped me so much.
I love my parents, please don't get me wrong, I treasure them, and love them for all they've done for me. It was just that I had to bury my angry feelings towards them because they were the only constant in my life--everything else was subject to change, and frequent change at that. I have acknowledged those feelings to myself and explained them to my family (this was a long time ago now) and we are close as a family could be.
Putting myself in your wife's shoes, I can only guess that she may be feeling similarly to what I went through. You get to go off to work, interact with people--adult people, mind you, and then come home and expect your wife to have had a similar kind of day. I only know about 4 year olds from a distance, through my nephews, and my goodness, they are a handful and sometimes really irritating and very tiring.
After a while, it may become easier to just stop trying to make real world friends because you're only going to move away again and then have to start all over again somewhere new. In cyberspace, you can be whatever you choose to depict yourself as, and the people there don't 'move' away. It's a fantasy land if you let it become one, and it could well be the coping mechanism your wife has chosen, subconsciously.
This hidden anger needs to be dealt with, by your wife, and by you through understanding the defense mechanisms that we resort to in times of stress. Sometimes these defense mechanisms are very primitive and result in behaviors that more closely resemble those of a toddler or a child. They go back to how stress was handled by oneself in times of crisis when very young.
You do need to get your wife help with this, especially since you're coming up on another move very soon. She's going to resist, because the fantasy land is easier to cope with than the real world for her at the moment. You need to be loving, supportive and above all understanding of this primitive coping behavior and ensure that she gets the help she needs.
I reached out for help myself when I was at the end of my rope, and thus, therapy was a major factor in learning new strategies to deal with the reality of the nomadic life.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (13 March 2008):
Hmmm seems to me that your wife found her solace in the internet and friendships she has gained there, yes it is very easy to lose sight of everything else around you and yes it can become an addiction.
Your son is young and perhaps your wife asking to move back to your home state could be the change that she needs, is there family in that state?
You have been away a lot and I appreciate why as the military is a travelling job so to speak but when your family is trailing behind you to end up in a new place time and time again and then the one person they have followed i.e. YOU, then goes what is there for them, new people, new places, new surroundings and not much else, i.e. familiarity.
My ex's sister is married and lives in Florida with her 2 children and her husband used to be in the forces but is a reserve now and has been posted to Iraq etc previously but they have always remained in one place and so the children have never been moved around and neither has his sister so her friends and those of the children haven't changed.
I think finding permanent roots could be the key here. Your wife needs people around her who can show her what taking your son to the park and school/nursery life can be all about, getting her involved in other things apart from the computer, moderation on a computer is the key and perhaps being able to try and communicate with you while you are away by writing letters (the old sort, by post), would be good for both of you as we often put our feelings down on paper rather than actually saying them face to face.
If you have been controlling then your wife has possibly been scared of saying anything to you for fear of what you may say.
Intimacy going out of the relationship is not uncommon when you are hardly talking as emotions take over and how can you just forget that you had a blazing row and then jump into bed together, women are much more complex than that so don't be surprised at her lack of interest there.
Your wife could also be suffering from some sort of depression, this could have come on as postnatal depression that was undetected due to the previous moves you have had and has now rooted itself into depression.
Perhaps getting your wife back to familiar surroundings and taking this time away as some sort of separation may be good for both of you. You do need however to confide in family members even hers, explain your concerns and her lack of interest in home life and your son and ask for their help. If others show her that by getting to her doctor and possible medication and counselling on her own may help her in the long run. They may also help her with seeing what life she can have with your son during your times away.
I can't honestly say whether your marriage has a chance of working but by the sounds of things it cannot continue on the path it is taking right now as it isn't fair on your son and children learn from the patterns that surround them. Your son needs to have time with other children and not sitting at home alone in a room while your wife is ignoring him, try to look into things for him if she is not doing anything.
Perhaps your family could have your son for a while as I think shock treatment of not having your son around could be what is needed to jolt your wife out of this addiction she is in right now.
Is she on chat rooms or dating sites or advice sites, do you know who she is talking to and have you looked on the computer at all?
Get as much help as you can from family and friends and let the military help you in giving your family some permanent roots perhaps.
Take care and wish you the best of luck.
BFN
Country Woman
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