A
male
age
36-40,
*rl8504
writes:Girlfriend suggested a threesome with another female and now is skittish about it ,how do i help her feel better about it? i told her it was up to her if she wanted to. this isn't the first threesome, she had one before we got together and said the guy had faked a pannic attack, don't know if that is why. and have had a few mfm threesome.
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male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (19 July 2009):
You're at the age when this kind of play may work best, but it's complicated and can be damaging. She may simply want to experiment. proceed very carefully, this can be an emotional rollacoster. Lots and lots of talking - deep stuff, not superficial crap, needs to happen.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): That last person who answered obviously didn't read your actual question.They probably just read enough of the question's title to hear that it was about a woman being skittish about a threesome, and then they fired off an angry response at you for being so "insensitive."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): She doesn't want to see you fuck another women you idiot! I don't blame her. How abhorrant. Which school of life did you attend exactly? Head in the sand school? This has undermined your relationship. Everyone has a level of fantasy that they enjoy but you have opened Pandora's box here. It may have seemed a good idea at the time but do you think you are projecting yourself as good long term relationship material? Resoundingly,definately not. A good father to children? Reliable? No. This knowledge is starting to stir deep inside her while she has played lip service to your trendy but disgusting relationship ideals.
I am sure she loves you but she does not want to share you and she does not want you to want to share her. She should have been more clear, if she knows herself so little or is so incapable of saying strongly how she feels it is also her responsibility to be in this position. I hope you can forgive my reaction but I am truly amazed. I think I must have been asleep when this started becoming OK for people. I just do not understand how anyone with the smallest grain of intelligence could think that a relationship is likely to survive this behaviour. If you really love her just stop this and see if you can rescue the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): I think she has been trying to please you and is struggling with the hurt and confusion it has caused her.
These experiments carry big risks and can really put a person on the back-foot. If you want to have lots of sexual partners do, but don't try to mix this up with a serious relationship because the two are incompatible.
My partner's ex wife once told him he could go and get sex if he wanted elsewhere so long as she didn't have to worry about doing it any more and so long as he didn't tell her.
This hurt him enormously. He didn't want her to want him to go elsewhere. He wanted her to be protective and a bit possessive about him sexually, to get a sense of his own value and worth. I think your girlfriend may well prefer it if you had not been able to stand her being with another man. Perhaps she went ahead with it hoping that you would find it awful. For some reason you are impervious. Poor girl is unable to say how she feels and is just reacting. Glad I am not her. How heart-breaking, how insensitive you are!
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A
male
reader, jrl8504 +, writes (13 March 2008):
jrl8504 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK maybe i didn't give enough details. we have discussed it down to details on what would and would not happen. then i had to go away for work I'm about half way done were I'm at. but all of a sudden she started talking about it again and asked if i would like to we had done a few MFM before i left but she told me she wants to do a MFF. Just the last few days it seems to have her upset and i just want to know how i can make her happy again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): You can't make someone feel better about something if it isn't there in the heart. This is something she will have to work out on her own. For you to push her past this road block tells me your being selfish for your own pleasures.
Drop the subject and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Perhaps she didn't really like doing it, but wants to do it for you, so that you won't feel bad that she did it with another guy and not with you. It may also be because she has more feelings for you then she did for the previous guys and can't stand the thought of seeing you have sex with another woman. My wife is like that. She said that she wouldn't mind it if I had a 3some, but that she wouldn't want to be one of the women because she wouldn't want to watch me screw somebody else. I've never done that and neither has she, but we were talking about it a couple of times when we were discussing the advantages and disadvantages of swinging. We never really thought of doing it, but just like to discuss sexual things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Hi Hunny
Just pop her mind at rest and tell her its no big deal you love her, She may have done this in the past but she may now be testing the water to see trust issues.. I cant be sure about that one so dont quote me sweetheart just give her a big hug and say you just want to make it with her..Then see if she is ok with that love. TAKE CARE WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): I would totally abhor watching my partner have sex with another woman. Relate figures show that 80% of couples who share thresomes and swinging break up within two years. The fact that this surprises people amazes me. When people have sex they present the possibility of other emotional attachments forming and trust is undermined of course. Duurr. Anyway if your relationship with her is not serious I guess this experiment does not matter and perhaps everyone should try it.
However, I don't think people are very honest with themselves about the insecurities that can develop. We all need to feel valued and sexual intimacy is one of the means of nurturing another. There is something a bit soul destroying in thinking that this is easy currency. When you have to work hard for something you value it more. Keeping a good sex life needs attention, it is easier to add other people in or go to prostitutes for some people. I can't imagine how people do this, it makes me sad and I must be getting old. Love used to be considered an incredible and precious thing. Now it seems so cheap, like burgers.
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