A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and to be honest we've had quite a few problems over the years. Things have been going better over the last 6 months or so, but we came very close to splitting up before that so I feel there is still a way to go before we are properly back on track.The problem is, my lease is up soon and he wants me to move in with him instead of getting a new place but I don't think we're ready yet. He was understandably quite upset when I told him and I feel it's pushing us apart again, but I don't feel I can just ignore my gut feeling and move in to keep him happy.The other problem is I have enough money saved up to put a deposit down and buy a place, which is my preferred thing to do, but he doesn't have any savings. He rents a house from his parents and he wants me to move in there, but I feel it's a waste of money to do that when it could be paying off my mortgage. He has no intention of buying any time soon either as he's happy where he is.What do you all think? Am I being over cautious? And am I being unfair to say I want to buy when I know he wouldn't be a part of it (not to say we are ready for a joint mortgage yet anyway)?I'm so confused and not sure if I'm being selfish.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): You're right on the money.If it doesn't feel right yet, don't do it! Besides, you've worked hard to save up. Why throw that money away in rent?Explain to him your rationale and let him know that you've decided to buy a place. And if your relationship stays on the right track, you'd be happy to make a joint investment.
A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (17 September 2013):
 Over cautious?, Selfish? No, you're being sensible!
You have enough money saved to put a down payment on your own home - and that is what you want to do - whereas he has no savings, no desire (let alone the means!) to buy and is teed off at you because you don't choose to move in with him.
He's the one who is being unreasonable. I hope you stand your ground on this issue, and, if it results in the two of you breaking up, so be it. (You said it's been problematic in the years you've dated, and doesn't sound as if its much better now).
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 September 2013):
You're being reasonable, but something I don't understand is why are you with somebody that you've had a rocky 4 year relationship with?
Do you want a rocky relationship for the rest of your life? Are you afraid of being alone? You either you or him have issues that are out of the other's hands?
These are things that need to be addressed. Problems that aren't fixed will continue to be problems until they are. And when they are you'll know it's the right time to live together.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (17 September 2013):
 I dont think you are being over-cautious at all, if you have only been back on track for 6 months and still are not fully sorted then it would be foolish to move in together now.
Plus if you have a deposit saved up there is no point in renting any longer, you need to get onto the housing ladder and at the moment house prices are rising so you will be best to buy now before it all gets even more expensive - interest rates will rise eventually as well, probably in the next year or 2 so mortgages will become more expensive in the next couple of years so if you have the deposit then now really is the time to buy.
I'd explain to him that you are buying a house, that you dont want to rent any longer and that is your final decision. Also explain that because things have only been ok for the last 6 months that you dont feel now is the right time to be moving in, that you still feel there is work to be done on getting your relationship sorted.
Tell him that you would like to move in together one day, but now is not the right time. Tell him that you will buy your house and maybe in the future he can move in with you, or when he's saved some money you can look at buying a house together - but right now is not the right time to move in together.
As long as you make it clear that you still love him, still want to be with him and do want to move in together one day then I'm sure he will get over it. You have to trust your gut on this, if it doesnt feel right and you are still not in a great place in your relationship then dont do it - things get so much more complicated when you move in together, it would add stress and pressure and if you broke up it would be even messier to deal with.
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