A
male
age
30-35,
*much4u
writes:Me [25 M] in love with [26 F] living with her bf for the past 9 years with two kidsIt's really a tough situation because I have fallen in love with her and she with me. But as is always the case when someone has been with another guy for 9 years and not 1 but 2 kids it will be an adjustment and a big decision to just leave.I've been seeing her now for 2 and half months. We never had sex firstly because I don't pressure her to and she is concerned about being unfaithful. She has fallen out of love over recent times with her bf.The first time I met her I flirted with because i had no idea who she was etc but I found out she lived with her bf and two kids so I respectfully pulled back. We worked together, she would always have stories of how she and her bf are always playful and watch tons of movies together with the kids. Until one day she broke right in front of me. I had invited her to a friendly lunch with me and she couldn't hold back the pain and hurt. She and her bf hasn't had sex in months, she saw texts on his phone to a girl stating that how he is fed up with the relationship and only the kids are causing him to remain. They barely talk and do anything together. If she decides to spend a night at her mom's place he doesn't even call to find out why she hasn't come home. They don't sleep in the same bed, and the list goes on and on.She just tries to pretend to the public that everything ok but she is hurting. At first I was skeptical because many times these hurting women just look for the first guy who isn't their bf and mistake it for love. But over the few months we have spent it has been great bonding with her and even her kids. We got to the beach and park and have lunch and dinner all the time. I have dated quite a few women in my short life but i have never been this happy being around someone where I can be my playful funny self and make both of us happy.But here is the dilemma; how long can I carry on 'playing' hubby for. A decision has to be made right? I'm not pressuring her because 9 years and two kids is quite a lot. This is a massive decision but how long can I let maybe potential opportunities pass me by. How do I proceed?Your help is appreciated in advance guys.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2016): If your gf's relationship was as dire as she made out to you she should have taken steps to end it before she chose to take up with you. You act as a sticking plaster. She gets the stable, secure home life with her bf and father of her children and the excitement, attention and fun that she feels she's lacking with you. You on the other hand get the crumbs and unless you take assertive steps to change that you could be in this situation for weeks, months or years.If I were you I'd take some time off work to take time away from this woman and have a long hard think about what you want in the longer term. You have an enormous amount of things to consider. At the moment you are "playing" being in a relationship but if she leaves her bf it all becomes very, very real. you won't be having much fun for a while. I know, I speak from experience.Are you prepared for how devastated her children could be and how emotionally upset she will be for some months/years if she leaves her bf?Are you prepared for the fact that her ex (who will not be kindly disposed towards you) will be in her life forever?Do you want her to come and live with you, with or without her children or do you want her to live somewhere else in the short term? What financial implications are there?Are you prepared for the stinging judgement and disappointment of your family and friends?Are you prepared for the gossip and fallout where you both work?Will you be able to trust her in the longer term given that when things get tough in her relationships she looks elsewhere?There are loads more but I won't go on.If you want to continue having considered the implications fully then go back to her and give her an ultimatum alongside any ideas you have about living arrangements etc. If she won't leave you have to accept that she never will as the time will never be "right" and move on with your life. You are so young and you could easily waste years on someone you can't have.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 June 2016):
 I think she's playing you, plain and simple. If she were really THAT unhappy with her boyfriend then what's stopping her from leaving him? She's not married yet so there are no legal hassles and please don't tell me she's doing for the kids because she's clearly happy to have an affair with you with no concern on how that would affect her kids.
"We don't have sex, he doesn't pay any attention to me, we don't sleep on the same bed" are all age-old excuses given by cheaters. If things are that bad, just walk out. And what concerns does she have about being unfaithful? She's already having an emotional affair with you and she knows very very well about what she's doing.
Look I wouldn't buy any of her stories unless she backs it up with actions. Nobody has a perfect life; you have to make things happen for you. Right now she has her cake(him) and she's eating it too(you). And keep in mind, that even if she *does* in fact leave him, things will not be easy for you. You'll be responsible for two kids who are not yours, the ex will be a constant factor in your lives and you'll have the constant reminder that he's been a part of her life since she was a teenager. That won't be easy to shake off.
Think clearly. Is this what you want? Don't get so carried away by there illusion of love that you regret it later.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2016): You need to let her know that you think you guys have a great thing going and that you understand that its not easy starting a new chapter in her life at this time. But with that being said you also can't put your life on hold for her to make a decision that you don't even know if she is ready to make. Reiterate that you care for her and her kids but who knows what you could miss out on while waiting for her to make a decision she may never follow through with. If she remotely cares about you she would understand where you are coming from. Hope for the best but brace for the worst! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 June 2016):
 You back off.
That is how you proceed.
If she is done with her partner and relationship, then SHE needs to finish that before starting a new romance with you. Right now, she is cheating on her partner, and you are the homewrecker.
For her to bring her kids out on dates with you? That is SO messed up, I don't even know where to begin. Talk about cluster-F... !
She NEEDS to make that choice to leave or to stay, not "play" happy couple with a man she is basically stringing along.
You know this is a mess. All the giddiness in the World doesn't make it OK.
Basically, she needs to take a dump or get off the pot. To put it crudely and bluntly.
And you need to take of the rose tinted glasses and see her behavior for what it is.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 June 2016):
 Dear 3much4u,
You are really in a bad situation. You are in an active Emotional affair with a work colleague. She is in a long term committed relationship with children. You only have her word for what is going on in her other relationship. You really don't know.
So How should you proceed? First you need to realize what your role in this is. You are the other man. The Home wrecker. There may be another Home wrecker in the picture but you don't know that yet. Next when you realize what a rotten position she has put you in you decide what kind of man you are. Then, Stop being the other man. Don't be a person you can't respect. Do the honorable thing and refuse further interaction until she is separated from the long term father of her children boyfriend.
There are red flags all over your story. You really are in no position to verify the facts. Step back and give them time to sort this out themselves.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (28 June 2016):
Never take on someone else's problem...EVER!!!
You are actually not helping her at all. Why? If you are in a situation, and need to get out...But someone comes along and makes that situation more comfortable, because they help take that person's mind off the bad things...how are you helping?
You have met...she likes you, and you are available....Now...back off.
You tell her if she is really serious about you, then she know what needs to happen. Your door is open, but she has to walk in, not be dragged in.
To help anyone out of a situation...You DO NOT jump into the same hole of misery to try and help them out. Very hard to help someone if you now put yourself in a position where you now need help yourself.
You stay outside the hole and put them out, or encourage them to get out. It would be like jumping into a pool to help a person who is drowning and you can't swim. Yeah sure, you mean well, but you now suffer right along with them.
Make sure you are ready to handle all them comes with a situation like this...custody battles, visiting right, arguments between him and her, and a good chances that she can go back to him because he is the father of the kids.
Make sure you are going into this with both eyes open, and your brain turned....ON.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (28 June 2016):
 "I'm not pressuring her because 9 years and two kids is quite a lot. This is a massive decision but how long can I let maybe potential opportunities pass me by. How do I proceed?"
You pressure her. Not being funny, but you *are* being unfaithful and I doubt you're actually "in love" yet because you have no real experience of dating or anything. Love isn't so flimsily formed. She needs to start the leaving process *now*, for herself, not for you. If she's genuinely unhappy, then there's no reason not to start now. If she doesn't within the next month, give up and move on. Within that month, don't flirt or anything beyond colleagues because you need to pressure her into choosing.
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