A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My Fiance and I have ended up at each others throats recently and it's getting too much for us both.We're both in our Mid twenties, and have been together now for almost 6 years, but to simply put it, she no longer wants sex. She doesn't get aroused by the thought of anything to do with the subject. This is creating friction between us in terms of the relationship. As with most relationships, during the first year and a half it was great and we were at it quite literally like rabbits. But due to one reason or another, It had almost completely stopped by the 2 year mark, with any sort of attempt feeling forced.Both Relationship and Sex Councilling have made no difference whatsoever, and it almost had started to feel like a lost cause. She swears she still wants a sexual relationship, but doesn't know how to get her sex drive back.Now it sounds awful but just what happens now? In every other part of life we're great for each other, but the snide remarks from both of us when the answer is no are driving us apart, we can't live like this forever.Just how long since wait for this to hopefully get better, or is it really such a lost cause.Many thanks.(Written on a phone, apologies for any typos)
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 October 2016):
 Could be a number of reasons. Is she on the pill? Medication? Anti-depressants?
Is it possible she is stressed out or worried about something?
Could she have gained weight and lost confidence?
Could there be someone else?
At the end of the day, you are both not married yet, if you have tried working on these issues and nothing is fixing them then maybe you are both not compatible any more. On average in the last four years how often are you having sex? Have you tried being more intimate?
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (17 October 2016):
If she's on the pill, I'd definitely suggest she considers coming off it or changing brand. I completely lost my sex drive for 4 years and I didn't realise until last year that the pill was the cause. I stopped taking it and I'm now back to desiring sex 4/5 times a week on average.
It's one of those things that crept up on me and every time I asked my friends or even doctors I was told there is no evidence to prove the pill has a negative impact on libido so I brushed it off. I blamed myself and thought I had just become 'one of those women' who went off sex eventually.
It caused incredible tension between me and my boyfriend as I thought he was a sex pest who bugged me to give him sex when he knew I really didn't want to, and he thought I'd deliberately pulled a bait and switch on him. The truth was he was lashing out because he felt unwanted, and I felt constantly under pressure as I loved him and didn't want to lose him, but the thought of having sex made me want to cry so I had to force myself to do it whilst trying to act like I was enjoying it for his sake. He of course knew I wasn't but he still had the sex then complained about how I wasn't into it enough for him, which upset me as I felt he didn't appreciate the fact I was trying my best under the circumstances.
I genuinely had no idea what had changed or how to fix it but he didn't believe me and it led to mistrust and accusations of cheating as well.
Before anyone else says anything, I do know that lots of other women have no issues at all with the pill and that's great for them, but some of us do so it is worth investigating. And I know it's hard but please try to be kind and really listen to each other's point of view as this tension between you both will only be making it worse.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (17 October 2016):
 I think you need to sit her down and say look, something needs to change or I'm walking. It's not unreasonable to be annoyed that you're not getting sex in a relationship, it's completely normal so don't feel like you're being out of order.
She needs to become more transparent and give you a reason so you may be able to be more understanding of her situation.
You're definitely not sexually compatible and I've said this in many answers before that this is a deal breaker for some people and it sounds like it is for you.
If she says she still wants a sexual relationship then she needs to show you she's willing or I think you guys are over.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 October 2016):
 It doesn't sound good OP. She doesn't seem to be working on the reasons of her lost libido and its not miraculously going to come flying back to her. Saying that she wants a sexual relationship and yet not doing anything about it isn't going to solve the problem. She has to back her words up with actions and she's not doing that.
I'm currently heavily pregnant and even that hasnt dimmed my desire for sex...even though its virtually impossible to do anything now. And I'm almost 10 years older than your girlfriend!
Has she been depressed? It cant be that everything else is absolutely fine and its just the sexual desire that's disappeared for years on end. Does she have a hormonal problem?
Sexual compatibility is one of the key components of a healthy, happy relationship and one shouldn't have to beg, plead or coerce one's partner into having sex. Its something that should come naturally, without any pressure from either side. I don't think my husband and I have ever told each other, "lets have sex" or even asked, "do you want to have sex"?. Its just understood that its going to happen almost every night or whenever we get the opportunity, and we both look forward to it.
Sorry, it doesn't look good for you and I think you'd be better off with someone who needs and wants the same things as you do. You don't want to be one of those married couples who has no chemistry in the bedroom and have sex mechanically each month just to have a baby. Dont do this to yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2016): Is she on the pill ?That did nothing to help my hormones / libido at her age. I agree with Honeypie it doesnt sound promising but it would be worth finding out if her hormones have taken a dive. I wish I had because 15 years later I've realised it was a long term problem that was masked artificially by the pill. Just my experience but thought worth a mention.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 October 2016):
 I think it's a lost cause, I'm sorry.
If you two haven't really had ANY sex in the last 4 years it's not going to magically happen if you JUST wait it out....
I have been married for 20... the reason our pretty active sex life stopped was due to my husband having a heart attack, surgery and has been put meds that is pretty much making an erection impossible. However, that was 3 years ago, and we have found OTHER ways to enjoy intimacy. that is after 20! years together. So the excuse that after 2 years it's no longer interesting? Makes no sense.
I think she had withheld the REAL reason she isn't interested.
Is she on any anti-depressants? Has she had an unwanted pregnancy? Childhood trauma? Has she talked to her doctor and had a full work up done?
You are in your 20's where men's sex drive is usually a bit higher than women's but not to such an extent.
Did the sex get boring for her? Were you a (pardon for mentioning it) a sex pest or selfish lover? Because THAT can kill a woman's libido too. Stone dead.
My guess is, she wasn't a huge fan of sex the first 2 years, but she did it to keep you around. And after 2 years she decided that sex was not important to her, and if you stayed, not important to you either.
The issue you have will NOT resolve itself. IT will not magically change.
ONE person should NOT get to decide that sex is now off the table and then STILL get the relationship if the other partner isn't OK with the no sex "clause".
Maybe you need to consider that this is the future if you stay with her. You get a great roommate, friend - but you don't get sex. IS that what you want? She is obviously OK with it.
You have already spent 4 years WAITING for it to get better or back to "normal" how much longer do you want to wait?
You two are not sexually compatible.
If she IS honest about wanting a sex life back - my advice would be that she go see her doctor and that she is OPEN and honest about WHY she isn't willing right now.
If her hormones are off, she has had a bad experience with birth control, pregnancy, STD/STI's it might be something that can be dealt with.
But I can tell you this, SHE know why.
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