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writes: I have been married for just a few months. I am not attracted to my wife. We are great friends. Our personality matches. We support each other. However the physical attraction is just not there for me. It is not that she is not an attractive person but certain basic aspects that are very important to me is just not there. I certainly love her but not as I imagine I would love a woman I am physically attracted too. This frustrates me and makes much that should be enjoyable to me difficult. I thought that I would be able to overcome the physical attraction part more easily because of her great personality but it has only become more important to me and turned out to be more difficult than I imagined. I do not know if I made a mistake or if I should continue and see how it develops. How do things change over the years? Does physical attraction become more or less important? What has been your experience? Thank you- Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2011): I have been reading all these answers and it is breaking my heart I am on the other end of this situation with a boyfriend of 4 years who dosnt find me attractive. The problem was initially with my weight which after I had our daughter I fought hard to lose and have been losing steadily. I started feeling better about myself thinking that things would be better but it did not I came to realize that I an not the body type he is soo attracted to and there is nothing I can do to change that. Trust me if I could I would. I love him and I know he loves me but but hearing him say to me that he doesn't know if that's enough to survive a marriage? It hurts soo badly. What I would say to you all is that NO ONE is perfect and if u base your relationships mainly on what looks good to you be guaranteed that one day even that won't look that good to u. Everything ages and changes, all beauty will fade at that point consider what your left with. Personally I am preparing myself for the worst but I know in my heart he will look back and regret it.
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reader, lawofattraction  +, writes (4 November 2011):
After over 25 years in a marriage with no physical attraction, I can personally say that it does not get better. Do not and I repeat, do not allow yourself to enter into a relationship with lack of attraction. No matter how great or kind they are, there will always be a yearning for something more. It is not fair to you or your partner. You deserve all that you want in life and so do they. You can have both attraction and love in the deepest and most intimate way. So do not second guess yourself, go with your intuition and trust yourself. Do not settle for less.Life is what you make it. No regrets !
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2010): young lust at age 16i was in a relationship a yr back and i wasnt no way shape or form sexually or physically attracted to the person so what i end up doing was cheating and breaking up on and off..What a do learn from the situation is that u cant fight being with someone who you cant bring around your friends or scared about what other think about you dating the person. so yes i understand that everyone is going through but i used it as an learning experience. cause now everytime i see my ex i think wow they look good but the relationship after being with my ex made me not care about the attraction. AS long as im happy with who im with because of the chemistry and feelings that we have for each other. Cause at the end outside appearance fades and beauty within glows. You Dont Want 2 miss out..
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2010): Hi Dear.
I completely agree to you. But its too early for me.
I have been engaged with a girl, whose intelligent, smart and educated... But physically she's not what I expected in my life partner...
My family is convinced that its an ideal match but for me to know from within, she's what I never thought to be. Neither by looks nor by attitude, she fits me physically.
Pls tell me what to do.. will I be able to let it go.. and be happy in the future... pls help... anyone..
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reader, lanimar  +, writes (11 March 2010):
Being guys you can choose your girlfriend and wife to be. You just approach you target and start a relationship from their and lucky you if the girl reciprocated your feelings. So you can choose the looks and qualities you may fantasize. But for us girls, most of the time we wait for who will come and make an offer. It will be lucky for us if a most ideal man will come and stay. What if the man available is not ideal? What do we do? Reject and wait? I have been doing that and thought what a waste of time waiting for someone who may not be coming. I have gotten older. What about approach a guy and introduce myself? So desperate a move and it hurts to get rejected. And most ideal guy have their own ideals too. So we women just get along with the guy who comes along. So to all those men who is crying his heart out for not having the girl of his dreams, what are you thinking then? You have the world full of beautiful women to choose from. And it is true too that physical attraction and even love degrade in time, the best thing one can find is someone who he/she can live with for a longer time, to share household responsibilities and kid duties.
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reader, sunray  +, writes (29 November 2009):
The reason why I'm here is because I'm now faced with this issue.After 3 years of being best friends with someone we've become sexually involved...I have a deep deep love for this man. He is an amazing human being..I often call him princess diana because everyone loves him....everyone! but I'm not that sexually attracted to him which is probably why it took us this long to be involved. He's kinda overweight, hairy, and balding. But I am not getting any younger and we have an amazing, healthy relationship probably the best I have ever had with any man and I have had many many many relationships both love and friendship with men! I have no answers for anyone but after reading some posts...I've decided to go with it and see if I can find it over time as our sex is very intimate which is what I need.In 40 years we will all be ugly and good conversation is all anyone will have left.I am lucky this man is open to my connections with other men and would not be against me having sex with another man if it was agreed upon.I think I just answer my own question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): So, its been 4 years since this post. What did you do? I feel the same way but after 33 years of marriage and every single day feeling and thinking the same as you all because I am faithful to my committments. I just accepted the fact that I will never have a 100% marriage. Just lucky to have what I have. Cheers man.
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reader, vambikal +, writes (24 October 2009):
 I mean you married the woman, I'm sure there had to be even the smallest amount of physical attraction...if there isnt why the hell did you? Physical attraction isnt everything though, although it is an integral factor...personality changes the way I look at someone, example there could be a freaking sexy guy, but he acts like a little bitch. In that case, he's not sexy to me anymore. If you love someone enough to marry them, that meant you loved them enough to look past what they're lacking. My boyfriend is shorter than I am, at first I would have never dated a guy like him, but his personality makes up for that. People need to stop being so god damn narcissistic, anyone can lose their looks at anytime, it doesnt last. And in any case, people get old and ugly anyway. lol .I know this didnt help, but just take into consideration what I said.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): I am in an uncannily similar position. I have been dating this girl for 3.5 years and when we dated I found her physically unattractive as she was obese. However, she had other qualities which made me want to spend lots of time with her. We are so compatible in every way! We have great, adventurous sex, similar sense of humor, similar life goals and values.
When we began dating I told her the weight was an issue and she told me she had wanted to lose weight for some time and we began to work out together. Over the course of our relationship she has lost more than 100 pounds. However, she is still overweight and has had difficulty continuing to lose weight. Her entire family is overweight so I wonder if she will ever be successful at getting to an average size.
I'm still not attracted to any part of her body below the neck. As a result, I end up feeling sad when I look at girls to whom I am attracted because it is a constant reminder that my girlfriend is not like that. I'm not talking about super models but just average you know! It is frustrating. She is insisting on marriage and that once we are together she will be able to lose weight better because we will live in the same place and work out together all the time. This may be true but the risk is so great. What if she is unable to do this and I end up still discontent with her general appearance?
I write these comments because I can relate to your situation and from what I've read I'm not the only one. It is comforting to read others who have similar positions. Unfortunately I have no answers. I am unsure of what to do. Break up and risk finding someone more attractive but potentially without as much compatibility I currently have or marry her and risk a lifetime with someone who I perceive as unattractive. Wow, can't life be complicated! I think if I get out there to date again, I will only begin something if there is initial attraction and go from there. Good luck to everyone out there.
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reader, modusponens +, writes (19 February 2009):
One more thing, the answers to this question might be biased, for those who struggle with this without success might me more inclined to read the posts and reply than those that don't, or those that used to have a problem with looks but don't now. So I'd take these answers with some caution. The evidence here is pretty anecdotal -- it would be nice if someone has good empirical evidence one way or the other about your question.
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reader, modusponens +, writes (19 February 2009):
Apologies, this isn't much of an answer, but a a note of sympathy. I'm in a relationship of 6 months now, and I feel your pain. My girlfriend told me she's in love with me and wants to get married. I find that I am sometimes attracted to her, sometimes not. A lot of the times not. The worst thing about it is that I find a lot of women far more attractive than her, and I get depressed about it. I've stayed in the relationship partly because I wanted to give it time to see if my feelings would change, but they haven't. I have the same question as you, so I have no useful advice, though reading this post is making me really consider breaking up.Still, I hate to break up for such shallow reasons. And I'm not the greatest looking guy either -- I'm only 5'7", and there is nothing I can do about it. That's what bothers me the most about it -- looks are often something a person can't really do anything about. I also fear rejection, and that women I do like are all looking for some tall guy, and that if they are with me they will feel the same toward me as I do toward my girlfriend. Here's the worst part of it -- she's not overweight, it's her face and her body shape that bother me. Her breasts are pretty asymmetrical. And there's nothing she can do to be more attractive to me, other than plastic surgery, which I wouldn't want her to get.And she's so nice; it's hard to break the heart of someone you care about and is so nice to you. Still, if it leads to her emotionally dying over time, then it's better to make a quick end.I haven't said a word of this to her, for it would hurt her. I don't think I ever will. Still, I know of a man, who, in his 50s, told me that his wife is not attractive, but over time she became attractive to him. There is anecdotal evidence on both sides of the question. Because of my religious views I would stay with the marriage and really try to make it work. But from what I hear here it seems like a very difficult task. One thing I do feel strongly about in your case -- you cannot stay married to her and not work really hard to find yourself more attracted to her! Maybe keeping your eyes off of other women, staying out of places where you see them, staying away from porn or from masturbation, from sexy TV or movies, not flirting with other women, etc., might make her become more attractive to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2009): I have been married to my husband for about thirty years, and I have never been sexually attracted to him. I was attracted to him emotionally and mentally when we were dating, so it was confusing. The longer we dated the harder it was to break off the relationship. Finally, I agreed to marry him, because I couldn't pull away. Now thirty years later we have two children from our marriage and I could never wish I hadn't married him, because then I would never have had them. However, I never really became more attracted to my husband, and it has been a constant source of unhappiness in our marriage. In fact, it looks like we will get a divorce, partly due to my lack of physical attraction to him. The other reasons are to do with being having strong personality conflicts. He changed towards me after we married. He became thoughtless of how he treated me a lot of the time and hypercritical. So there were other problems after we married besides my lack of attraction to him. I told him, before we married that I thought I was just not physically attracted to him, but he dismissed that, because he thought I seemed interested enough. Actually, I think physical attraction is not just about looks, but also about personality. There are personalities that might attract you as possible friends and others that might attract you as possible lovers. You shouldn't feel guilty if a person only attracts you as a friend, and you shouldn't try to force yourself to feel differently. It won't work. Why in the world should we think that any person who we like and is right age and sex should attract us physically?!! Why should we try to hold on to a friend by making him or her a spouse? When you think about it this way it's pretty nuts. Even though someone's looks may be part of what first draws us, I think maybe the appearance isn't all that makes us physically attracted. Maybe whatever the source is, it causes us to love that person's looks. I think I am going to be okay with my husband becoming the friend he should be instead of continuing to try to cram him into the mold of husband. I think we'll be able to stay friends even if not close friends. I think he looks good to me as a friend.
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reader, hopespringseternal +, writes (2 February 2009):
I found a lot of comfort in these replies since I just had the 2nd experience of my life where I find the most wonderful man who loves me so much in every way, and I love him as well, except physically. Both guys are young, slim, and good-looking, but I just don't like kissing them or being close to them very much. Now most people would say quite simply that if you don't feel attracted to someone, why would you ever want to date them? For me, the problem is that the attraction is confusing - there were points here and there when I felt it, but then lost it. Now, after having met a man that I was deeply physically attracted to (he was a nice man, but it didn't work out), I understand that physical attraction should be easy and direct, without needing any effort, from the very beginning. It's more than just sexual attraction, it's a general attraction to want to be close to the person, hold their hand, like being next to them.I think I was able to "create" some physical attraction to the most recent man because of my sense of adventure, imagination, and deep emotional attraction to him. And that's why it was confusing. Now I realize that the simple, easy, attraction was just missing.So, if anyone finds themselves with someone, married or not, you are not attracted to, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT that you didn't realize it earlier or how important it is. Weak chemistry is confusing! Especially if there is strong emotional chemistry. But it will be an underlying quiet torture for as long as you stay with him/her and it is not in your control to improve the chemistry and it won't improve on its own, it will only get worse as you get more and more frustrated. It's never too late to start facing the truth and have the courage to let go, for your own good and the good of the person you love.
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reader, tallmand +, writes (5 July 2008):
To answer your question, I believe you have to leave. I just had to end a great relationship partly because of this reason but mostly due to the fact she had some major emotional issues and trust issues from a previous marriage. I found that dealing with the issues became harder as time went on (10 months). I believe I may have been able to overlook the issues and work them out but when coupled with a lack of attraction and passion I realized the right thing to do for both of us was to leave. I am devastated as much as she is. It was truly one of the hardest things I have ever done. We met on eharmony and I must say they do a good job of pairing up sometimes. Anyway, if the passion is not there or at least growing every day, it has to end. If you're not growing, you're dying. As has been said before, indecision is the worst decision. I think you must leave. For men attraction is hardwired. If you're not dating at least your appearance level or a bit higher, you will not be happy with the relationship. For the record, I am not a shallow person, I am a realist. Life is not about fairy tales. You have to make some hard decisions as a man. She deserves a relationship where she will be loved like everyone deserves to be. I knew I could not give that to my girlfriend, but I believe someone else can. Hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): Hey its me again... the same girl that wrote the last entry. Well just to let you guys know I gave him a chance. Everything worked out wonderfully! I am crazy about him. Once I got to know him better i began seeing him as more physically attractive and now I honestly don't know how I could live without him. Next week he will have been my boyfriend for a month and I am looking forward to a long, happy relationship! Thank you for all your great advice! Each and every entry helped us to get on our feet. Good luck to those who have not resolved their problems yet and to anyone coming in with the same question as me... Give him a chance! You never know... you could end up falling in love!!! 3 Cheers 3
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): Hey, I'm pretty young and I met this guy. He's just about the most amazing, sweet, caring guy I've ever met. I like him, he likes me and our first date is in a few days. But, theres just one problem. I don't find him physically attractive at all. I feel horrible and shallow especially since he's been so kind to me and we've both been taking steps toward making our relationship work. I can't just turn around now and say "oops sorry. you don't look good enough for me" but even the thought of our first kiss makes me a little queasy. I'm afraid this isn't going to work out. Can I just ignore it? His personality is to die for. I've never met someone who makes me feel so amazing. But on the other hand, because he's so amazing, doesn't he deserve a girl who loves everything about him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): The marriage relationship needs several important attributes to be successful which are: faithfulness, honesty, compassion, understanding, unconditional love, and forgiveness. It should hope all, believe all , and endure all things. The root meaning of the word relationship means "tolerance "or to (tolarate). The physical aspect of the relationship is not the most important aspect of marriage, but still plays a very vital part. It's important to have chemistry with the person you marry snd to meet each other sexual desires. Your spouse may eventually sense that your withdrawn when comes to love making and it may hurt her. Also, you may began looking to other people and things to fulfill your sexual needs. I personally would not marry a person that i am not sexual attracted too, but i would advice that you honor your marriage committment. The convenient of marriage is a very serious committment and you should seek as much counseling as you can before entering into a marriage. It's important that we seek God in all that we do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2007): Hi Im a 32 year old male.When I was 26 i met a 35 year old woman and we became very good friends.I was not attracted to her physically.Weve been friends now for 7 years,she is now 42 and Im 32.Weve grown very close and weve even become physically involved over the last 5 years or so.I know now that I love her and have a very strong emotional bond with her.I also feel that I need to make a decision soon as to whether I should marry her or end the relationship.My only problem is Im not sure what to think about the physical attraction issue.But I must say that over the time Ive known her Ive been able to see not only her spiritual beauty but ive come to apprecciate certain physical characteristics she has.Although most of the time her physical appearance does not draw me or make me feel attracted to her.I generally haveto put effort into my thinking and really make an effort to find beauty in her appearance.I must say that doing this makes me a better person allthough it is difficult I have grown in character and become more mature in what I consider to be attractive.I also find that when I see what I used to think was a sexy,pretty or beautifull woman I am not so drawn to looking at her because at the same time I realise that she is also a person who may not be compatible with me or be able to love me as deeply as my friend does.I also nolonger feel strong enough to actually begin looking for a new relationship or risk loosing the one person who has meant so much to me for the last 7 years,who knows me so well and who understands me an I her. But I also know that I will find many women more physically attractive than her as time goes by.It still remains a challenge for me and Im not sure what to do.Im afraid that if I marry her I might allways wonder how it could have been with someone who I found alot more attractive.But if I dont marry her I risk loosing the greatest love of my life.But having said all this.We have been involved physically(No sex) but other very sexual encounters and its been wonderfull.Ive never been so sexually turned on with a woman.I wonder if this is because of our wonderfull mental connection,appreciation and understanding of one another.Or could it have something to do with the fact that shes older than me and this somewhow gives me a sense of a motherly type of love which translates into an intense sexual experience.I'm not sure.I dont have all the answers and need to make a decision soon as I feel 7 years has been long enough to still be sitting on the fence.Allthough she has never put any pressure on me to get married,I have allways kept her hanging and wondering and also i find myslef constantly double minded about being with her which creates alot of uncertainty betweeen us.We also are not "officially'going out.I dont show her any affection when in public or with friends.No one knows how deep our relationship is.Allthough some closest to me have suspicions.But at the same time I also dont flirt with or pursue other women both when shes present and not present.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): This post is old..but it resonated with me. I am on the other side. I was with my bf for 6 years and although we loved each other, our relationship was not what it could have been because he was not attracted to me due to my weight. This is very hard to swallow. On the one hand, I was angry with him for being so shallow..but when I was honest with myself, I don't know that I would be attracted to him if it were the other way around. It was heartbreaking for me to admit that even though he should not have treated me the way that he did, I could not blame him for the way he felt. It must have been so hard for him to love me, to know that I was perfect for him in every way except physically. I tried to lose weight but found that I became resentful because I knew I was doing it for him and not ultimately for me. I knew it wasn't fair to him OR me to remain in the relationship, so I ended it. Shortly after he claimed how he missed me, and I believed him, but I also knew that it was for the best. I finally did manage to lose the weight (because I wanted to for me, to live longer) and have found that no matter how much LOVE you have, as one previous male poster stated, you cannot fight nature. I am finding that I feel a lot more love in my relationships now that physical attraction is there. Indeed, love does make a person even MORE attractive than what they would be otherwise, but if there's no attraction there to begin with, no amount of love can change that...it's just, as stated, nature.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): Obviously, the reason why i m on this post is coz i m going thru similar thing. My and my fience live in two far off cities. when i met her, found her quite good in all ways, liked some of her physical features and thought i m lukcy to atleast find some nice features in my potential partner. We both said yes and got engaged. I was quite hopeful that by the time i get married to her, in about a 2-3mnths time, i will ensure that somehow i m totally in love with her. Now, after 5 mnths after engagement, i really care for her, cant think of leaving her, love her may be, i still like some of those physical features, but still, i m not crazy abt her, have not dreamt abt her in the last 5-6 mnths that i have known her, which is very scary. i know it amounts to asking for too much, but this one and only thing that scares me is.. not being crazily dreaming abt her. If i go ahead with marriage, it would be mostly because i cannot let her down and partly because i m scared of finding an alternative partner for myself. It feels as if i m asking my friend to stop being my friend, which is being ever so difficult... dont know what to do...
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): i can relate too. I have always been the type who guys want to get to know and had many marriage proposals in fact. and maybe because I'm mixed, ive got proposals from asians and westerns alike. They are all smart, handsome etc.. because guys are so "easy" to get from my experience; I somehow get this stupid idea (I was naive) that a good man need not necessarily be handsome and educated and rich. So I end up exactly with that type of man. (I accepted his proposal). in fact, my husband is not my type at all. ive always liked tall guys- mine is short (taller than me a bit but still short for my taste anyway). Also, I like big guys. I remember growing up, I couldnt stand guys who have smaller hands or feet than me. I would feel embarressed if the guys have smaller shoes than me. I'm asian but with mix blood and naturally my shoes is bigger than most asian girls. And my brothers are tall (6 feet) and have big basketball players' size hands and shoes. My husband's hands are a bit smaller than mine (my fingers are long) and so are his shoes.
I thought I could get over it but sometimes I just end up in terrible depression for days and weeks over this- and its getting harder for me to pretend that I'm so attracted to him. I love him yes, but not in the physical section-and thats hard since that would mean like being in love with a ghost. Accept that this ghost is real and I have to deal with it.
To make things worse,he is much older than me (not that old but because he is western so he looks very old in asian terms) and I look very young so we get unwanted comments. And if that is not bad enough, so many guys are attracted to me-both asian and western, young, my age or older- and even his own friends! I get people's heads turning everywhere I go- with or without my husband on my side. And no, I dont dress well etc. I'm a super simple girl- without any make up, matching handbag or saloon-hair stuffs. I always wear casual clothes even with slippers and undone hair, unironed shirts etc. In fact sometimes I walk with my girlfriends whom just like most girls, dresses well with full-on make up and all yet STILL guys would ask about me (which frustrates my friends LOL)
Its very hard for me and I wish I could just leave him but because of asian traditional family values and taboos and what not, it is not that easy. (women are suppose to not mind about looks and be accepting super angel what not)
Other than that, he is perfect and he is madly attracted to me physically.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): Wow! I can so totally relate to you...I have been married to my husband for thirty days and am totally not attracted to him. Finding sex difficult at best, I, like you, married him because he is good and honest and a wonderful man and my best friend. we have been best friends for years and I just thought it would all come, we have the perfect life, perfect house and all the "things" anyone could ask for but the sex is like a major chore and I have the same questions you do. I know this isn't an answer but isn't it nice to know your not the only one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2007): I missed an opportunity a few years ago. A friend was attracted to me but I could not reciprocate. Over the years, I have fallen for him because of his nature and kindness, his sense of adventure and even his little irritating traits. I have mellowed, and his looks have improved with age, or maybe he has just become more attractive to me as my view on life has changed. I have missed the boat - he is in love with someone else.Having had a number of relationships with men I have found initially attractive, and who have then become less attractive as incompatabilities surface, I am now faced with the same situation as all those years ago. I realise I love this new man but do not find him attractive. But this time, I say 'I do not find him attractive...yet'! It took 5 years for me to realise the error of my ways last time, so this time I will bide my time, spend quality time together and hope that one day a spark will ignite. If not, then I will have another wonderful friend, but if so, then the wait will have been worth it. Why not speak to a relationship counsellor, maybe on your own, they will have seen this many times and can offer some exercises. Married couples fall in and out of love and the best relationships are stronger as a result. Or read 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' by Andrew G Marshall?Above all, don't do anything hasty. Trying to find another mate who clicks is no mean task. And think before saying anything to your wife - if you knock her sense of her own attractiveness with a comment, this can never be taken back.Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2007): Marriage is a bond that you knew you were getting into. I cant tell you what to do, but I can tell you this......be grateful. No one that you meet will be perfect, and if you think that the grass might be greener on the other side....dont fool yourself. Maybe all this woman needs is a nice change of hair.....some new clothes.....and voila....michelangelos masterpiece revealed.
I am 25, was married for 4 years, I have been divorced for almost 4 years, and can I tell you.......variety is lacking in the world for wonderful people.
Can I suggest to you....to try to overlook the attraction issues, focus on her beauty, compassion, love for you, and devotion. Try for 3 months to forget about the attraction issues, and quit focusing on them.....cause you married her for a reason......remember those reasons, and try to get back to square one with your wife.
I said above, that I am 25, I am apparently a very attractive woman , and I have been dating a man who is 43 years old, really not my Prince charming, and everyday I see beautiful qualities in him. When smallthings jump into the picture(like the fact that beautiful men would love to be with me)I cant help but remember that I want to pick smart. I could end up with another beautiful man who beats me.....who in time grows to be ugly to me, or choose someone who posseses all the great and wonderful qualities that I seek in a partner.
You are only human, and the best that you can do is try to get through this the best way you can, but ........ trade this wonderful woman for what? Maybe the possibility of a prettier one.....with a not so good personality, and risk being more revolted with that one than the first.
I dont know what else to say.....except I wish both you and her the best.....whatever the outcome might be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2007): I think it's funny when people say this man is shallow. Why is somebody shallow because they don't want to stay with someobdy they aren't attracted to? You wouldn't stay with somebody who had no personality and amazing looks, so why should you be expected to stay with someone with a great personality yet who you aren't physically attracted to?
I agree that you probably shouldn't have entered a marriage with this woman with all these doubts, but hindsight is 20/20 as they say. If you already find yourself constantly thinking about it and being frustrated about it then you can pretty much be assured that time won't ease your suffereing. You're wasting both of your time by staying in this relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2007): My opinion probably doesn't count much cause I'm only 18 but I know exactly what you're going through. I've been with my bf for a year now and I fell in love with his personality before I ever saw him. He's over weight and unattractive but I love everything else about him. I mean EVERYTHING. He makes me so happy and we agree on everything and I picture growing old with him but that picture is always blurred when I remember his appearance. I don't know if I could manage kissing him or being physical with him if I'm not attracted to him. It just doesn't seem fair right? You find someone who has everything you want but you're not attracted to them. I just want you to know I don't think you're shallow and it's wrong for people to tell you that you are. If you were shallow you would've never given it a chance. But you did in hopes it would change, just like I did. I know it probably hurts you just as it hurts me that you're afraid it may never change cause you want it to change so badly because you love her. It's not fair and I haven't found the answer yet. I'm just doing what you're doing. Living day by day in hopes it may change. It's worth it though isn't it? To be with that one special person? I cannot help you for I do not know what to tell you but I just wanted you to know you're not alone and you're not shallow. Good Luck
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reader, Jeros +, writes (30 December 2006):
 Oops. Forgot to login when I sent the last answer.
G
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): I think it's safe to say that physical attraction means more to men than women. From my wife of 18yrs opinion, to women, a tender and loving and affectionate friend is the biggest turn on and source of attraction.
But while physical attraction is more of a factor for men when it comes to romantic attraction, it's also a factor for women as well. Both men and women often (in my experience) first met their spouse when they notice the 'cute guy' or 'beautiful babe' on the other side of the dance floor, by the hors' devours or where ever. I think the some of the replies are reacting to is that you can't like or love someone based just on their looks is not a good idea, not to mention somewhat of a moral taboo.
We're all not attracted to every nice and good person of the opposite sex. There are lots of nice people of the other gender that you'll never be romantically attracted to for a variety of reasons. One of which is physical attraction.
But now let me get off my soapbox and answer your question directly. I'm only in my forties, but I have not found that physical attraction becomes either more or less important as I've grown older. I have noticed, however, that I'm more attracted to women my own age than the nubile college babes I drooled over from age 15 to 25. (I'm only talking about window shopping here, not actual pursuing anything).
But if your wife's physical appearance saddens you, then it is an issue for you, regardless of how I or the rest of the world judge you. And that won't change anytime soon if it hasn't already. I'm not sure what aspects of your wife you find unattractive. Weight gain is usually the complaint you associate with men and women becoming unattractive in marriage, and that can be changed by BOTH spouses changing their lifestyles and eating habits.
My unsolicited advise to you is to talk to your wife about this, even though it sounds like a hard subject to broach. If there is someway the two of you can work out this issue to mutual satisfaction, then I suggest you try as hard as you can to make your relationship work. You have THE most important quality for maintaining a long and happy marriage, you are great friends. But if you can't resolve this, then please let her go, so you both can find someone to be happy with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2006): This reply is well beyond July 2005, but I suppose it might benefit someone who stumbles across this post. Sjhk writes what appears to be an honest apeal for help and counsel. I find the replies by several women here replusive in their own shallowness, vidictiveness, and naivety. Raging against nature is foolish.
I would say to Sjhk that physical attractiveness becomes more important as time goes on. If your unhappiness is this severe after just a few months, and she has not "let herself go," I can only forsee this magnifying over time.
I have been married 8 years now to my best friend who I love deeply, but who's physical appearance has become disfigured by obesity (due to so many things). Surely attraction becoming aversion must be one of the greatest trials for both partners. And for those who cannot understand that this has nothing to do with the genuine LOVE, but nature... you are marked by unaffected simplicity: naive. God have mercy on our souls.
I have no counsel for action. All I can say this depression abides with me almost all my conscious moments.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2005): Well buddy, as a woman who has been married 29 years I can certainly tell you that there will be definite physical changes ahead in your marriage...most of them bad. But when you truly love your spouse, you age together in total ignorant bliss of the bags and sags. You weren't there at the get go, so pack your bags Shallow Hal and go back to the wading pool.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2005): As someone who has been married for 16 years, to my best friend, and gone without sex for up to three years at a time, I feel eminently qualified to offer insight. I should have never married my husband, because he never, ever pursued me. He never exhibited the kind of desire that I had received from other men before him. Our conversations about this issue have ranged from him saying he just doesn't feel attracted to me, to his diabetes causes physical problems. Those are all excuses. He has changed alot in the past 16 years, yet I find him desirable, and can always see the good things about him. I know he loves me in a family type way, but I no longer think he loves me as a wife and a woman. You need to allow her to move on, before you hoodwink her into believing she is not attractive, or desirable - to you or to anyone else! Platonic love and sticking to a committment are not enough to keep a marriage alive. I know - my marriage has been dead, as have I, for years now. You need to make her understand that the challenge lies completely with you - because it does. Do not in anyway imply or tell her that if only she were (thinner, blonder, shorter, taller, etc. etc. etc), then you could muster up enough desire for her. It would be insulting and very damaging. Get out now before you cause irreparable harm.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (29 July 2005):
If you had any doubts about how attractive your wife was before you married her then you shouldnt have gone through with the marriage.
You need to decide whether your wifes love or looks means more to you and make the appropriate decision on what to do.
You are lucky your wife is such a nice person because you sound like a shallow selfish man.
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reader, jess18maine +, writes (29 July 2005):
 I have no idea what you were thinking when you married her. If everythigns not there for you then you should not have married her. You need to get over the fact that shes not Miss. America and love her for who she is; or let her move on without you and let her find someone who will think she is Miss. America. When your in love you think the your partner is beatiful no matter what. I doubt your in love, because being in love means you love even the bad qualities about your spouse. I also think that when yor debating if you love her, then you don't. Love is so stong that you would know if you loved her without any doubt. Good-Luck, but don't hurt her. Come on man your married to the lady, Smarten up.
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