A
male
age
36-40,
*ittleAlfie
writes:I'm admittedly a "recovering habitual cheater". Since I began dating I'm high school, I can not think of a single relationship I've had where I did not betray my partner's trust. About a year and a half ago, I fell in love with someone. Unfortunately, I hadn't taken the steps, and perhaps was unaware, to address my cheating problem. And I continued the habit into a mutually loving and otherwise perfect relationship. I separated myself from my transgressions, but I still feet guilty. She found out about one and gave me another chance, but I blew that too. I admit I lied and cheated and another chance is most likely out of the question. The problem is that I do truly love her. I finally believe in soulmates. My question ultimately is how I can show her I can change and that I can be a different and better person for her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): first pactical advice: do not have sex with her tonight and until you get checked for stds. mainly just treat her with respect and expect nothing. who knows what will happen from now on...
A
male
reader, LittleAlfie +, writes (16 August 2010):
LittleAlfie is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks everyone for the positive and practical answers. I know I've hurt her, perhaps irreparably. However, I still feel as though were meant to be together and believe she does too. She told me despite this shell always loves me but can't risk her emotional health on me again. I do not argue this fact. She's absolutely right.
I've taken practical steps to change. I've quit drinking and got rid of my social networking sites and am planning on changing my phone number as to assure the past can't come butting into my present. And I've promised both her and myself that she's the only one I'll see again, regardless of how much she believes that, it's true. I'm just recovering from an addiction to the thrill of wrong, and dealing with my own self esteem issues, which is part of the reason I joined this site. I think in helping others, I'll find a piece of myself I've lost over the years.
But my followup question, or request of advice concerns how I should act now. She still wants me to text her. Tell her good night and good morning. However, she wants to keep the conversation light and casual, for the most part. Is this an attempt to move on from me? Or to scrape some friendship out of it? I know she feels the same love for me as I do her, so going back to just friends may be impossible. Tonight, she even may get me to help her move a tv stand. (I drive a pickup and admittedly offered to help). Hoe should I act tonight. Practical things. I want her to see me as the man she loves, but also as someone who's changing.
Thanks in advance to anyone who offers positive and practical answers. I'm already aware I've been a dirtbag and deserve nothing. I'm asking for ways to reveal a change, with no expectations attached.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (16 August 2010):
 While this last incident of cheating may have changed you, it also changed her and how she feels about you. Only a woman with a low self-esteem would consider giving a two-timer a third shot. The best you can do apologize for treating her unkindly and let her go in peace. Meanwhile,you're young and may just need to grow up a bit more before you commit yourself to any woman; take some time to experience life as a single man so you don't have to cheat on anyone and break another heart. When you are truly ready to settle down, carry what you've learned from this experience into your next relationship so you don't have a repeat performance.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): sorry but once a cheater is always a cheater. move on. have open relationships. that might help. and also caring about the other person instead of avoiding feeling guilty would be better next time to avoid temptating.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): Well, I do believe people can change, but only if they truly understand what drove them to behave that way in the past, and have clearly figured out what is different.
WHat was it that motivated you to cheat..even when with someone you loved? You need that answer to know what to do next.
Once you have figured that out, next you need to be able to change what you believe/ what you do that caused you to cheat.
If you can do all that, then you need to make the changes in yourself/ your life.
Last step will be to explain this to the one you love. If you have done these other steps you will be clear, you will be honest, be specific... tell her what motivated your cheating and what you have changed. Tell her why you now know you won't cheat and the specific things you are going to do to prevent it ( like: I won't go out with/ visit my female friend's places... or whatever)
Make it real. If she believes you she MAY give you another chance, but you have nothing to lose because even if you don't win her back, you have grown as a person and will be ready for love next time.
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A
female
reader, hmm92  +, writes (16 August 2010):
hey, well maybe the problem is that you broke her heart? your thinking of this from a personal view. think about how much you must have hurt her to make her break up with you after already forgiving you once. maybe if you truley do love her and honestly think you wont cheat on her you should tell her how much she honestly does mean to you and explain all this. and if that doesnt work, im afraid to say you've probably lost her and its time to move on. think about it as an experience, you loved you lost and now you can love again but more fully and without hurting the next person
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A
female
reader, Mature Lady +, writes (16 August 2010):
Why can chaps like you not appreciate what you have until it is too late.the only thing I can see you doing is to distance yourself from this girl for a time without seeing any other girls and let her see you have changed and If the two of you are meant to be together I am sure you will be,but I would not bargain on her hanging about waiting for you there is so much a girl will take.Sorry this might not be what you wanted to hear but you have to learn to treat women with more respect.
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