A
female
age
30-35,
*eh2014
writes:So I have posted about a guy I met online. I managed to find cheap plane tickets to visit him, so I am going there in a little bit. We have been messaging for over a month and skyping/texting for over 2 weeks. I really like him and I just want to meet him in person as soon as I can. I made the 1st move because he is passive and I know we would prob never meet if I didn't meet him 1st. If he wasn't interested, he would make excuses on why I couldn't go down there. What do you think? btw since the plane ride is only 2 hours, I am leaving that night and also I'm meeting him in a very public place.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2016): But how do you really know much about him!He may not be what he appears to be and you have the forewarning of it not being anything special!A guy could be noncomittal because he's on the sex offender register!He could be on parole for assault or a crime against a woman and expected to contact his parole officer daily!He may have been given strict contact rules and you still go throwing yourself at him because you have cheap plane tickets!What if he was one of those wierdos!He would his reluctance to meet you as his excuse for what happened and a judge may actually feel obliged to consider it as evidence!What if he broke his last girlfriends jaw cos she said "no!to a blow job in a public kind of place!"What if his fuse is ready to blow and he thinks you deserve whats coming because you will insist on pursuing him?Surely you are worth more than that!What if he has the date rape drug to slip in your coffee so that you are so out of it he can transport you to a remote place and take off his mask of friendship and leave you for dead!That'd be a lousy day, so why do you go after him like this?What if he had a gun or a knife or a stun gun!What if..you know its not romance so it is such a pity you are confusing it with a romantical engagement!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 September 2016):
 Sweetie without bursting your bubble, just because he is talking about a relationship does not mean he is super interested. People say these sort off things over the internet every day without meaning one word off it. Off course I hope for your sake that he does mean it, but don't be so trusting. Take your time and get to know him, if you get on well this time, then he needs to make the second move, you can't chase him.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (20 September 2016):
 If I were you, I really would stop all contact after your visit (don't go any further than kissing!) and see how often he will string up a conversation. Don't even mention him visiting you until you see how often he bothers to start the conversation. Let him lead and see how long conversations last and how frequent they are.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 September 2016):
 Oh yes men (and women) will TALK "relationship stuff" and not totally be into it. I really do not want to upset you but I do want you to be realistic about this.
I agree that for a bit you need to slow your row and let him do the heavy lifting.
You say he would not contact you, how long does he go between initiating contact now? Do you initiate contact via text or phone or mail first and he responds or do you wait for him to contact you.
Granted it is difficult, my husband and I were LDR when we first started dating (we had met in person first but lived about 100 miles apart). At one point early on I realized I was doing "the heavy lifting" of initiating most of the contact. I stopped. I waited... and waited and waited. Nearly 2 weeks went by before he got in touch with me. I was pretty sure we were done.
I have to be honest, I am NOT sure we would have worked out had I not let him "chase me" a bit.
There is an old saying that goes "a man chases a woman until she catches him"
The only way to gauge his interest is to let him do the contacting.
I agree with Cindy that after your visit, you should make sure he makes the effort to come see you, but I am not so sure I would ask "so when are you coming to see me" He can give you set date but NOT take any action which will tie you up WAITING for him. I would say something along the lines of "can't wait to show you my town now" and see how he responds....
then go home and wait to see how long it takes for him to contact you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 September 2016):
 Debatable. I mean, it's early to say ; just hold your horses a little bit, in terms of assumptions and enthusiasm, until facts have confirmed what you " know "- by which, you mean what you *think * about him, or what he has told you about himself.
Again, it is easy to be super interested when it 's the other one who has to organize the trip, find the cheapest airfare, pay for the flight ticket and accomodation when needed, take time off from work or studies...
Easy experiment to try : at the end of your visit, tell him : Ok, now it's your turn. When are you coming to see me ? - if he gives you a precise answer like " During Xmas holidays " or " As soon as I have passed my exam for... " etc. , i.e. if he gives you a reasonable time frame and a reasonable reason why it can't be right away - good. If he is vague and shuffles his feet and goes " uh, ehm, we'll have to see ".... then you have your answer : he is not super-interested , he just can't be arsed. Or, as you prefer to phrase it : he is a passive type- which most of the time it's the same thing, passive people stay passive ... because they can't be arsed, if they are really excited about something they'll become as active as anybody else.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (20 September 2016):
Not to be a downer; I do hope this works out well, but lots of people still talk to others a lot, even if their interest is limited. That's something that happens regularly online because it's not something you have to deal with in real life every day.
Just be careful and don't get your hopes up.
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A
female
reader, Meh2014 +, writes (20 September 2016):
Meh2014 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo add, we have both talked about relationship stuff in respect to both of us. I know if he wasn't super interested, he would just stop contacting me completely.
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A
female
reader, Meh2014 +, writes (20 September 2016):
Meh2014 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify, I am not going to sleep w/him and we will be in a public place the entire time. I am getting to out meeting spot via bus. I never let a man drive me to anywhere if I haven't met him before.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (19 September 2016):
Okay the tickets are booked now so you should go, stay in public and see how things go. Hopefully you both hit it off. Let us know how things go, and good luck with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016): Meh2014 I really wish you just valued yourself more and didnt go to meet this man!Saying he has tickets to an amusement park means nothing other than he has a good excuse to drive you somewhere where you dont even know where you are, let alone anyone else.Why throw yourself at him!Stick around your own area and cancel that ticket so that you can guarantee to see xmas in!The fact hes said he couod buy you dinner means nothing other than he can get you in the car and drive you somewhere where you dont know where you are and no one knows you are there!Even if he was your God given destiny an interested man doesnt expect a woman to do the running to him.A serious man will jump hurdles to meet you in a respectable manner!I seriously wish you could understand that you dont need to be proactive!Please stick around your own area and loose this useless internet connection!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 September 2016):
I fear he is "going with the flow" and just accepting it as it comes.
I would say go and meet him.. do not have sex with him no matter what! Because to be honest he does not sound all that into you or the relationship. Guard your feelings but have fun.
make sure you have at least two friends who have his name and location and that you let them know when you are traveling and set up check in times and make sure HE knows that they know about him. This is for safety not that you want your friends to know you are in a relationship.
Once you leave, let him make the next move. It's fine to let him know that you got home safely IF he asks you to let him know, but after that WAIT for him to contact you.
Sadly it does not sound to me like it's going to go far.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (19 September 2016):
His interest seems weak when it comes to actions, though, so don't get your hopes up too much C and don't take control of what you do when you meet, so you can tell how interested he actually is.
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A
female
reader, Meh2014 +, writes (19 September 2016):
Meh2014 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe didn't exactly invite me, but when we 1st started chatting he told me he had free passes to a amusement park. He also mentioned coming out to my city (one day). Although he seems passive, we have talked about relationship stuff and he even mentioned buying dinner for me one time. I feel as though if he had no interest, he would just stop talking to me, he has nothing to lose by doing that.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 September 2016):
 Yeah, I think it sounds desperate/too much as well. You should make an excuse about traveling there because of another reason, and not him. Like, I would say that I was going there to meet family/on a work related issue, and would meet him while I was there. Even if I was flying in just for him, I would find some other reason to be there as well. Otherwise it puts waaaaay too much pressure on the guy.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 September 2016):
Yeah, I think it sounds desperate/too much as well. You should make an excuse about traveling there because of another reason, and not him. Like, I would say that I was going there to meet family/on a work related issue, and would meet him while I was there. Even if I was flying in just for him, I would find some other reason to be there as well. Otherwise it puts waaaaay too much pressure on the guy.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 September 2016):
Brace yourself for disinterest. The plan is good (stay in public the whole time!), but if he'd never have suggested it, there's an issue.My boyfriend and I are both shy and we met online, he offered his number first and I got invited to a meet up in Scotland (I'm in England), but was too anxious to go alone, so I asked if he'd like to go with me. We'd been talking for about a month and a half, on the phone and online, but this gave us an excuse to meet up beforehand and to video chat first too. It would have taken us a bit longer, but we would have. If he wouldn't have without you prompting, that's a bit of a red flag.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (18 September 2016):
 You seem desperate. OK it's a bit of an adventure if you aren't doing anything else that day, but it doesn't put out much hope for the long term.
If you are looking for something long term then it needs to be in your vicinity. The whole point is BEING with someone. You can only really be friends on the phone or Skype. What else can happen? Talking about your day? Maybe a bit of phone sex if you can get into that. Personally I never thought it attractive. It just seems false.
So you go and meet this man and then what? What do you imagine will be the outcome? Think this through.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2016): In just one night you could disappear forever and no one on earth would even know where to start looking!If you had folks on the ground they'd just be told that you went out of state and that would be that!Why do femakes do this?You think you are being proactive in love but you are not!If the bloke was an even half interested decent prospect he'd been visiting you in the company of others in your own home area, but no, you cant fling yourself at him any fast enough.Proactive bait would behave like that!By the way if you think your like carrie going off to meet big let me point out in that absurd romance that carrie bedded every guy she ran into...she was a film character having posed sex scenes so no harm was ever done!But in real life women so promiscuous would get sexual diseases and dumped by roadsides!Carrie would run off to meet a snuff film scout looking for new victims to disappear on/off set and she would still come out smiling in the next episode.But in real life people realise it has all gone horribly wrong far too late and nothing anyone can do on earth can actually bring the person back in the physical sense!Nor do the relatives ever get closure!Do you think you are meeting up for coffee and cake and a chat little one?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 September 2016):
Since you booked the flight and paid the ticket already.. go of course, but try to not have too many expectations and to not pit your hopes too high up.
If he is so passive , and you feel that if you had not been so proactive you would never have met, that must mena something. And probably, it means he is noy as fired up about you as you are about him.
Yes, if he had had no interest he would not have let you come and meet him (... although, if he is a passive type, maybe he also has trouble in being upfront and telling it like it is... ) but, he may be just interested as long as you do all the gruntwork and legwork, and put the effort and money to see him- but not viceversa. It is very easy to be " interested " in something that you do not have to lift a finger to get.
Anyway, I don't want to jinx your trip and spoil your fun. Go , meet him, have fun , see how things go in person..just
do not count your chickens before they are hatched :)
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (18 September 2016):
 Wow, you're flying in and leaving the same night? That's a lot of effort to meet a guy. You must really like him. Sounds like a good plan. Why didn't you stay the night? Could have gotten a hotel, worst case scenario.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 September 2016):
 Well done for taking the initiative and for thinking about safety. (You only know the stuff about this guy he wants you to know.)
What are you hoping for from this relationship? If he is "passive" (I read "can't be arsed") then, even if you hit it off, you will probably have to do all the running. Are you prepared to do that?
Also, a 2 hour plane ride isn't exactly round the corner. How is that going to work if you keep having to do that?
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2016): Sounds like a good plan. But remember the one who leaps first in love should be brave enough to face the consequences. Wish you good luck.
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