A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How does one get over the pain of being cheated on, and the insecurity that you will be cheated on in a new relationship?I have been cheated on by 3 separate men, all of whom I was involved in serious relationships with at the time. The last man I was with for 11 years, and he cheated on me various times throughout the relationship. I have recently entered into a new relationship with a lovely man who is very loving and sweet. He has a lot of female friends, and this causes an instinctive reaction in me to feel insecure. He gives me no reason to think he is cheating, and I don't give him any grief in any way for having the friends he does. I just internalize my insecurities, because I know they're irrational, and there's no point in causing problems in a relationship.Can anyone give me any advice on how to move on after being betrayed by men I gave my heart to? I don't want this feeling to stay with me in all my relationships. I just want to be happy, and feel secure.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, empty-1  +, writes (11 January 2013):
This will take time. And effort. And pain. And perseverance. Did I mention time?
My wife was unfaithful. I'll spare you all the nitty gritty's, but it's horrendously painful. Sometimes, though, knowing that others have hurt with this pain, and come through the other side can help.
It's been three and a half years since her affair. I am healing, and we are healing our marriage. Nothing is ever going to be like it was before. However, that doesn't have to be a bad thing. You can make it better, if he's willing to help.
For the next several more months at least you will have visuals, flashbacks, panic attacks, bouts of anxiety, and heart rending, gut wrenching pain.
However, father time can heal even this. All you have to do is get through it. Sounds so simple doesn't it? The reality is, of course anything but simple.
You need to ave a frank, loving, but firm conversation with him. Let him know first and foremost that you are unbelievably wounded, hurt to the core, and that is it his fault. Next, make him understand that you have no trust left in him. It is important that he make ongoing, long term, and never failing effort to re establish that trust.
Let him know that if he wants you to stay, things must be a certain way. He needs to understand your pain, and do what he can to help the healing process.He needs to understand that the healing process happens over YEARS, not days, weeks, or even months.
You, also, need to be patient with yourself. The psychological and physiological earthquake you've been through is going to leave you feeling very unsure of your footing for a long time to come. Don't get down on yourself for making progress so slowly sometimes it feels like you're stuck. You will get better, agonizing inch by agonizing inch.
Three and a half years later, I still sometimes feel the need to drop in randomly from work, or otherwise check up on her whereabouts and goings on. I still sometimes feel the need to voice suspicion, pain, doubt, and even anger.
Those times are getting fewer and further between. I am able to sleep again. however, it takes time.
Did I mention it will take time?
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 January 2013):
I don't know a way to prevent it, but you can communicate your insecurities with him. Tell him what happened, tell him that you realize you don't have any reason not to trust him, and tell him how you are feeling.
If he is a mature communicator he will be able to make you feel secure, often just by saying what you subconsciously want to hear, not to mention acting in a way that gives you confidence, such as making a point of introducing you to his female friends as his girlfriend.
Now, I don't want to sound like a jerk here but three times in committed relationships is a lot,so I don't blame you for not trusting men. However, you may want to think about what you may have been doing that drove these guys to another woman.
It is likely nothing and could be bad luck, and I'm not making excuses for them. But if you're not attentive to your boyfriend's needs (like you can go a month without sex but don't care if they are unsatisfied) then even good guys will stray. I'm just using that as an example.
You've probably got a lifetime of cheating out of the way early on, so hopefully it will be smooth sailing from here on.
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