A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How do you deal with marriage issues when the other party thinks everything is fine, in the sense they are devoted to the children and don't really care about the husband-wife dynamic. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Read-the-signs  +, writes (18 January 2012):
You have to state your worries plainly and clearly. You have to say that you think those things are threatening the marriage and that ultimately you fear things will not work unless the problems are addressed. There will most likely be a temporary improvement and then things will regress back to before. You repeat step one and the cycle occurs again.
Finally, after doing your utmost, and having given due warning and clear communication, you either decide to stay or go.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (18 January 2012):
there's a couple reasons you're in this situation where you're unhappy but your wife thinks everything is fine.
1. She honestly has no clue how you're really feeling. Maybe you haven't been completely honest with her, or maybe she's been too wrapped up in her own life and world to notice. So if she thinks everything is "fine", it's due to a lack of knowledge about what's going on with you. In which case, I think how you should deal with it is to be honest with her and inform her that you're not happy about some things.
2. She's conflict avoidant and is deliberately pretending that everything is OK even though she herself is aware that something is wrong and she too is not happy. If this is the case, this is a more serious problem because conflict avoidant people may simply refuse to engage in any discussion because they freak out at the slightest hint of conflict. If this is your situation, then you should first still try to communicate with her, maybe try a different strategy to make her feel more comfortable with talking. Do everything in your power to control how you present yourself and the situation make her feel "safe" in talking, i.e. don't get accusing, critical, judgmental, upset etc. Being any of those just drives a person further away from you. But in the end, if one spouse is really conflict avoidant and refuses to engage, and/or if the other person can't communicate in a way that the conflict avoidant person can deal with, then it usually means the end of the marital relationship (even if the marriage itself logistically stays intact) in which case you would have to make decisions for how you want to live the rest of your life.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 January 2012):
You tell the other person exactly what is wrong, in simple and clear terms, and that it needs to be fixed or that the marriage will be in danger. If the other person still doesn't listen, then perhaps the marriage is already in such a mess that you need to think about whether you want to remain with a person who won't listen and won't try to fix the problem.
Life is too short to remain with someone who has their head in the sand or chooses not to listen or fix problems.
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