A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Many answers advise that if you have been cheated on, the cheater is going to lie to cover up the truth or to make things seem less serious than they actually were. I am in that situation and my question is, if the cheater is assumed to be lying, how does the victim EVER regain trust? I am trying to do that with my husband at this very moment but I keep reading answers that say things like, "Once a cheater, always a cheater" and that cheating and lying go hand in hand. Obviously, I can see that this is logical but how does ANYONE ever trust a cheater again? Also, if the cheater is genuinely full of remorse to the point of feeling suicidal, would it seem genuine or is that in itself a lie to try and cover their guilt? I know all cases and people are different but what are your experiences on this? I'm driving myself MAD trying to come to terms with this betrayal and trying so hard to forgive and regain trust.Thanks for reading. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): Yes, a cheater is always a cheater and it happens to me.. My ex-husband when we married said he will not cheat again when I found out that I am a fourth wife he'd been but after a year he did it he cheated again and now he is in his mistress because we're not divorce yet
A
female
reader, Hurt123  +, writes (10 September 2010):
I feel for you but I trusted my husband that he hatted stopped but I started snooping again and found his history and noticed hours of surfing for escorts now when confronted he took a bunch of pills out and I had to wrestle them away and he cried freaked out and said that an article got him curious bullshit! I plan to just play stupid until my sister comes home for Christmas the only way is to film so you have proof. I never thought he was this bad and stayed suspicious for years. Now I am financially and emotionally feeling trapped it's so messed up that I am torn I know I need to leave him because it is never going to stop. You see they just get worse and they get the best of everything at our expense I love who he was and am attached I feel like I Will be alone for the rest of my life but this is actually lonelier then that. They are to selfish or it wouldn't happened to begin with he will deny it to the grave. I feel so stupid for the years of my own denial I just hope I can have the strength to sort stuff out and get proof he is so sneaky but see eventually they will let there guard down. It is so painful I just love the good so much but my life is shit just the self doubt is enough. I work one overnight a week in a dangerous group home for the past five yrs. Eight co occurring substance abuse and at times violent past I am a small framed women and his addiction still took over he refuses to work more then part time now I wonder if his cheating takes the extra time away You see they get worse and worse they want that then fine cause in the end they will be sorry we are nothing more then there little bitches but still I don't know if I can do it I am scared as well as financially ruined from him not earn in enough don't let it go that far.
I didn't believe that once a cheater always a cheater but devastatingly enough it's true I'm sorry I wish none of us had to feel this pain I think it is worse then death at least with death you are not being rejected by a choice.
He always had an excuse that I fell for like forgot
...............................
A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (26 March 2009):
 I can see by your writing that you are clearly an intelligent woman in a lot of pain. It is driving you mad, and you can't stop questioning why he did this, how, when, and so on. Take comfort in the fact that your mind must go through this horrible questioning and doubt, and that it is a sign that you are healing.
Is "once a cheat always a cheat" true? I suspect that for the majority, it may be. And, if a cheater believes this old saw, he may decide that it is true for him, so why bother fighting the urge to cheat once Pandora's box is open?
I've never been a religious fanatic, but I do believe that there is no marriage that God cannot restore, and no pain that God cannot heal. You may be the only way God can reach your husband, and his only salvation.
I'm sorry that you are going through this, and it is certainly a horrible, shattering experience. You are not alone - the most beautiful, desireable wives in the world have been cheated on... some of them stayed, like Kathy Lee Gifford, Jackie Onassis... there are many more who stayed and survived but our culture is far more interested in the tragic cases, so the women who survive and learn to love and even trust their spouses again go quietly about repairing their lives and their hearts.
I'm in favor of never giving up on what was once a good marriage - fight for your husband and for yourself unless there is physical abuse toward you or your kids. Help your husband... if he is willing to understand the depth of the wound he dealt you, help him and pray to the One who can help you both.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): hia few weeks ago someone posted a question about who feels worse/suffers more, the cheater or the one being cheated on. I am thinking that this post is related.Trust is something so precious and vital in any relationship, when it is betrayed how do you get it back? can you get it back? i have said this so many times before, marriage takes hard work. People that cheat DO NOT CARE about their betrayed partners, only about themselves. They only start to "care" once they are caught. Your husband may be remorseful now but he had 4 months to enjoy with this other person, 4 months of stealing from you and your marriage, 4 months of investing in this other woman. in those 4 months was he remorseful, did he lie, was he ashamed of the feelings he had for this OW. Of course not, only now, when caught/discovered does he appear to be so full of guilt. BULL SHIT!!! He is now suicidal, WOW, and i am sure you are also blaming yourself. This is what cheaters do, they make the partners believe that they are the wronged ones. Your husband (although you would know him better) seems to be manipulating you with his "tormented" emotions. Utter crap. He ENJOYED his relationship with this OW for 4 months. He was not even ashamed of his betrayal. Please be weary of emotional cheats- they destroy everyone arouNd them. They need help, and your husband is one of them. Again I say that he has emotionally manipulated you. Tell him so. He did wrong and you are driving yourself mad. He is now so full of remorse -why? If he truly LOVED YOU he would not have cheated. If he truly loved you he would not NOW be levelling this emotional trauma on you. He should be a man and accept that his actions have consequences and that he failed in your marriage. He abused your trust and loyalty. NOW HE IS SUICIDAL!!!!! NONSENSE.How do you move on. I know that you love him, therefore this betrayal torments you on a daily basis. But one day at a time may just heal this marriage. Does he want this marriage to work? Then perhaps counselling for BOTH OF YOU so that you both heal. Talk and find out what was missing in your relationship. HONEST TALK -What did this OW provide him that he did not get from you.Can he make a clean break? Does he still have contact with her? Can YOU now full this void in his life that the OW fulfilled previously? Is he worth it? Trust sadly is earned and he has not earned it, but he destroyed it. I admire you wanting and loving this man after all he has put you through. But watch your heart in future - if he knows that you are the easily forgiving type he may try it again. DO NOT create that opportunity for him. You mean business and he needs to know that you WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY FORM OF CHEATING AGAIN. You hold the cards to your future. Make certain that it is a future you want, then guard it with your life. And yes, check up on him (just to make certain that all is well). If he doesn't like it then tough.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): Ive cheated on my wife for years and its because something is missing from our relationship,its not that i dnt love her or respect her,once a cheat always a cheat not really for surebut we break up to make up in these days so if the worst thing a man can do to you is cheat then .....get over it,get even ,just dnt let him ever find out .
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): Thank you all for taking the time to answer although some things were obviously not what I wanted to hear but I appreciate your honesty. In reply to one answer, it was the first time (as far as I know, who ever can?)and it was emotional (I have proof it wasn't physical because of something I read from HER). I suppose that because I love my husband so much I am trying to believe he isn't typical and that his remorse is genuine. If you had seen the state he's been in it would have taken a very convincing actor but who knows? We were going through a bad patch in our marriage and I hope I'm right in thinking that if it was going to get physical it would have already happened as they had this 'emotional affair' for nearly 4 months before I discovered. We are so back in love now, I don't want to contemplate he would cheat on me again knowing the devastation it has caused us both. Call me a fool but I also think I would be a fool to give up the love we feel for each other after so many years of marriage but it is seriously spoilt by my lack of trust.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): I don't think I could ever trust a cheater ever again - as the old saying goes, once a cheater always a cheater!
I'm sorry to hear of your story with your husband however.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): Eyeswideopen and rhythmandblues2 has it right on target about 'cheaters'. It's all very circumstantial and cannot be universally applied to everyone.
There are many factors that can make someone initiate the act of 'cheating', as they have both mentioned. A person that 'cheats' is not necessarily "once a cheater, always a cheater". You also have to look at who they are with, what happened in their relationship and why he or she is still together with that person. Outsiders can easily point fingers and yell vulgarities at the 'cheater' and refuse to understand their situations, but in reality, the act of cheating really depends on the person and the situation lead up to and the scenario in which they are in.
"Trust" is built on time and experience. You have two major opportunities here for trusting someone. 1) You give your partner and yourself a chance to make it work or 2) You reject your partner and move on.
"How" is not something strangers can give tips and advice on. "How" is solely up to whether you want to give that person a chance or not. Personal mentality can be an obstacle in trusting your partner again, but again, that is something you have to deal with on your own, while faced with your partner.
...............................
A
female
reader, rochelle_arj +, writes (24 March 2009):
Its so strange to be writting this to someone else when I've been married for 20 years to the same man. After 17 years I found out that my real lovin husband cheated on me with another woman. I can honestly say I can never trust him again. The problem is that you must be an exceptionally forgiving person to just never remember all the sick and betraying things that pop into ones mind. I loved my husband so much I would of done anything for him. And still three years later im still with him but trusting a person has to be gained with respect and if they had no respect for themselves and you at the time how will a person regain that respect so easily. I seriously doubt that deep inside your mind your asking the question of others your never going to trust him or anyone else for that matter. Because if he can break your trust what makes you think its in the back of his mind that he would do it again. Dont forget when men cheat its not because of you its there own selflessness that their rewarding.
...............................
A
female
reader, Serenity1 +, writes (24 March 2009):
 i hate to say it but kellyxxx is right...they do this suicidal act to get you to forgive them...and then they let things die down...let you think everything is peaches and cream...then they're off to cheating again...listen im going to be honest with you and i can only tell from my own experience...ive been the other woman and the wife who's been cheated on...and as the other woman i contacted the girlfriend after about 9months and she forgave him and he still calls me to this day trying to wine and dine me...my point!!!...when you forgive them they know they got you and your not going no where...i say at least give them a break of at least a month, then if you decide to take them back go from there...they have to be taught one way or another that cheating is unacceptable...PERIOD...the guy who i was the other woman to immediately contacted me after he calmed his girlfriend down...and this all happened within 3-5days...she did not let him know that he was jepordizing losing her and he's actually comfortable with playing the shit out of her...again BECAUSE HE KNOWS SHES NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING...yes i forgave my husband for cheating and what did he do cheat again and again and again...made a baby and everything else with his other woman...obviously we're divorced...im not trying to come down on you hard i just don't want you to make the same mistake as alot of us women do...trying to keep our men who obviously don't care enough about our feelings to not hurt them over and over again...now if this is your guys first time maybe he is sorry...but if it happens again...you know what to do...good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 March 2009):
 Deciding to forgive a cheater depends on the circumstances I guess. Was it a one time mistake? Was it physical or emotional cheating? Was it full blown sex over a period of time? Lots of different circumstances and lots of different decisions? Trust can be rebuilt but I don't think it ever can be fully restored to it's previous unbroken condition. I think of it as an iron rod, once it has been bent it can be straightened but it will always have that weak spot.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): Cheating on a spouse is sometimes a flawed character that chooses to do something to make one feel better about one self, or just a selfish act with the hopes of never getting caught.
Sometimes cheating is just a symptom of unhappiness in a marriage and instead of turning towards one partner to work on the unhappiness, the cheater seeks elsewhere what they are not getting at home....this is a vulnerable, insecure person who cannot get their needs and wants accross to their partner or has so much resentment built up that they don't want to be direct to their partner.
So what you have to do is examine with your partner the reasons behind the cheating. If their were problems in the marriage then their is a chance to reconnect and work out the marriage so that both people are getting their needs met. Now this is hard to do if the one cheated on cannot forgive the cheater. The person who was responsible for the pain caused the other, has to earn trust back by really admitting and seeing how much pain they caused and to sufficiently and sincerely apologize.
The person who needs to forgive will have to make that choice, that decision to do so and feeling like you can't trust the cheater is going to be part of it....he will have to communicate and earn back your trust for as long as it takes.
The thing about being suicidal and it being a lie, I don't know the answer to that one, but if he is suicidal I would be more concerned about him actually doing that and getting him some help///perhaps his depression even led to the affair....there are always deeper issues underlying the cheating and the reasons for it are as varied as the person or persons who cheat.
Seek some marital counseling and see if that can't help you both communicate about this in a healthy and beneficial fashion. The decision to forgive is something you do for yourself regardless of whether or not you decide to stay married. You don't have to ever forget it and it is up to you as to how you want to resolve your marriage, no one can suggest what you do about that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): My husband of 15 years constantly cheated on me. He lied about everything, to cover up his whereabouts, his feelings absolutely everything. It got so bad that he would lie and swear the sky was black on a sunny day. He went through a 'remorseful' phase after his cheating but I never saw it as genuine if anything it was just pure attention seeking. He cheated on me four times for long periods and I could never regain any form of trust in anything he said. I truly believe once a cheater always a cheater and when they try the suicide touch it really is the lowest they can stoop. They have no intention of committing suicide they just hope you might feel sorry and leave the subject of their betrayal alone. it is always all about them and their feelings never the person they have hurt and when they begin to feel a bit brighter they do it all over again.
...............................
A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (24 March 2009):
 I'm one of the people who say 'once a cheater always a cheater'
People who trust cheaters after they know they have cheated are fools! And it seems like the suicide thing may be an act, he should have thought of this before he did it!
There are good men out there who don't cheat and lie (they are hard t find admittedly,lol) but please try and find one of these men and leave the cheater behind, he'll hurt you again and again even if he appears sorry!x
...............................
|
