A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for a year and a half together for four. I believe I'm ready to have a child, I'm in my late 20s and I want to be a mother. My husband is not ready. Throughout everything in our relationship I always have to be the submissive one and have to wait for him to make a decision. What he says goes and when he says it's going to happen. What about what I want, does it not matter how I feel?He says that we need to be financially stable with our "own home." I understand that and have been patient but I feel like it's never going to happen. I told him that I was going to get off the pill and that we were not going to be intimate unless it was to procreate. He said I was his wife and that was not going to happen. That if I got pregnant it's going to be my responsibility if we don't have money for diapers and other stuff. The funny thing is that he says that but he goes out and spends numerous amounts of money on supplements and steroids. Am I being selfish in wanting to be a mother and wanting to get off the pill? I also told him jokingly that if he didn't want to have a baby with me to let me go on my way to find someone to give me a baby, I said it to him to see what he would say but he just told me to be quiet and that he wants kids but not right now. What do you think agony aunts?
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (25 March 2009):
 Here's a web site to check out:
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-are-the-risks-of-steroid-use.htm
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (24 March 2009):
 I think he is, of course, being selfish and seeing things only from his point of view. He is also, though, it sounds, vaguely scared by the thought of the responsibility of a child - really quite a lot of men are like this. (they get over it by the time they're about 38, but that's much later than most of us would plan to have kids! ok, I was older than that when I gave birth to my latest child, but I would much rather have been 7 years younger).
In this sort of situation it's a bit of a gamble. No, you shouldn't really go off the pill without him knowing, but at the same time maybe he'll never do it if he has to make the decision, but if it happens then he'll just get on with it, and be a doting dad.
It depends what sort of a person he is ... you have to judge that. But yes, he's being mean. I wouldn't give him much time either way to decide or have it thrust upon him, as it were.
nx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): As much as you may want a baby, trying to trick your husband like this is no way to go about it. You are both adults, and you are only 50% of the relationship. His opinion does matter here. If he doesn't feel ready, you have to believe him. You have to respect that that isn't what he wants. And of course if you force a pregnancy you are asking for big trouble. That is dishonest and disrespectful. Holding out on sex is blackmail. It's immature and will get you nowhere. Imagine if you conceive a child this way? That child will be born into a home where his mother lies to his father, and where it's father doesn't even want him. Who knows, maybe your husband is right and it isn't financially viable to have a baby now.Sometimes, when we feel powerless, we try to win back control again in any way possible. Perhaps you feel it's your turn now and are tired of being submissive, and want to use your ability to fall pregnant as a tool, as a way to manipulate your husband and get him to listen and pay attention to you. But it will backfire. He will resent you, and perhaps your child. This is not what you want, and the child doesn't deserve it.Of course, if he NEVER wants a baby and you're raring to go, it could be time to move on. Babies are a deal-breaker.
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A
female
reader, desirewhitefire  +, writes (24 March 2009):
 If you want to stay married, then you need to do as he asks. How would you like it if you weren't ready for a child and he constantly pressured you to have one? Wouldn't you get frustrated, angry, and defensive?
He doesn't want a child right now, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's better to wait for him than to force it on him. He'd resent you and the child.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (24 March 2009):
Steroids? Why on earth is he on steroids?
I wouldn't force an unreasonable husband on steroids to have a child that he doesn't want.
Do you know the side effects of steroids? It can affect his health, his mood swings, his temper, and God only knows if you should even consider having a child by him incase his steroid use could have an impact on your unborn child. You need to do some research on how this could affect both him and any children that you are thinking of having before you even think of going off the pill. Take Care, Hun.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): He does have a point. Having a child costs a vast amount of money and requires many needs and resources. I would side with him in this case, I would rather wait until I had a steady job and house before I thought about children.
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