A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi There!How does one gain confidence and not fear what others think of you? At 40 you would think I would know better!My story begins from when I was only 13. I was sexually-physically abused or maybe more like my uncle didn't penetrate me but touched me inappropiately by grazing his hands on my chest or patting my buttocks but the one thing was him forcing me to kiss him. I ended it by distancing myself and not telling anyone about it.Another trauma I got into was with a cousin of mine (she's the same age as I am) would constantly tease me and tell cruel gossips about me to people I had thought were friends of mine. They believed her and stood by her while she went on to mock me and sarcastically say things that were untrue. There were times I wanted to "fight" with her but didn't. She is still the same way but is now married and has kids. My family (including extended family) say that fighting back is not the way to be. In fact, they all look down at me if I do anything to that cousin. I haven't done anything of course. I also had a boyfriend who was so full of problems himself. At the time I didn't know it but he always wanted me to be the kind of girlfriend that was way too dependent on him for love and for confidence. I lost myself and importantly my spirit of life and light and finally got out of that after 7 years of being with him. With all that baggage and a mother who is constantly telling me I'm ugly and no good, I've started having anxiety attacks. I am constantly wondering what others are thinking of me. My confidence is shot however within all this mess, I found a wonderful man who is now my now fiancee and who thinks I'm beautiful and loving and much more smarter than I think I am and he has stood by my side ever since. I am 100 pounds heavier than what I should be and I honestly I don't want to feel this way anymore. Is there hope for me? I don't want to feel afraid crossing the street or doing things I want to do. I want to feel beautiful. Any advice would be appreciated!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Everyone,
I wish to thank everyone for your responses. This helps tremendously as I embark on getting to heal myself from within. To love who I am and to get to know me all over again. I am a human being who deserves to be loved as well as to give love. I can't go on hiding behind the curtains everytime someone comes and puts me down. I need to learn to put myself up and foremost and to love myself. Thank you everyone for your tips and help!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): That's lovely that you have met someone and got engaged - just goes to show that someone really appreciates you just the way you are.
As regards the past and your confidence, some counselling would probably help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): I too have self esteem issues- I was bullied and teased as a teenager and although I am 35 now, and it was 22 years ago, I am still haunted by it. It has effected every aspect of my life. It has taken years of therapy and working on myself to begin to heal from it. It wrecked my self esteem and self-worth. I think if you tried seeing a counselor, it would help alot. You deserve to feel good about yourself. So do I. If you find a counselor and you don't click, find another. It worked wonders for me. I also take antidepressants and those have helped too- there is no shame in it. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, IKnowWhatIWanTButDoThey +, writes (29 December 2010):
 You know, I'm actually fourteen years old, and I've actually been sexually abused by my some of my own family when I was younger...and for a while, I was the quiet and shy girl who over thought EVERYTHING..and a lot of time I would always wonder what people thought of me..but somewhere in the past two years, I've realized that I have a lot more to offer and I couldn't go on doing things this way, being a pushover.
Because somewhere inside of me was a temperamental, head strong girl that was telling me to stop letting people put me down...and when I tried this attitude on, people started noticing and now I have some of the best people in the world around me.
So you just really have to [excuse my language] just think like, fuck everybody..because the same people that are probably telling you fighting is not the answer has heard and said some of the cruel stuff your cousin has done,and when something isn't targeted at them, it's never "a big deal"..
No one but YOU knows how you feel about certain things and words people do and say to you..so if you feel that sticking up for yourself is "fighting", then I guess you would just have to throw on the gloves, because it's that time.. Fight for you, and your happiness!! =] I really hope you find the strength to push against this, because you seem like such a nice person... =D
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (29 December 2010):
 You need to forget about these family member and what they say. There are mean people in this world, and they will only affect you if you allow them to. You have a good man now, so this relationship needs to be your foundation on your way to healing. If your mom doesn't talk nice, you can tell her without being the same as she is being to you, same with your cousin. You determine how others treat you and you can associate with or not associate with those who don't treat you the way that you choose to.
Self worth is within self and not by what others say to you. Distance yourself from your cousin and mom. Tell them, this is how I choose to be treated and if you can't do so, I have to limit our communication. Just because she gave birth to you doesn't give her the right to put you down. I also want you to think about what they say by looking at it as a reflection of how they feel about themselves. Generally people treat others like crap because they themselves feel like crap.
As far as being sexually assaulted. You must find it in your heart to forgive in full. It's not your fault. You were a young girl, but in your distancing yourself and not telling anyone, and holding that in, you furthered the pain and kept it close to you. In forgiving you release this pain and it gives you a chance to rebuild who you are. It's not to say he deserves it, but you deserve to live free of the affect from it. Although all sexual assault is wrong, be grateful that he did not penetrate. That was kept for your decision to share with who you decided to.
I hope this helps, take care.
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