A
female
age
36-40,
*atcher00
writes: I began dating this guy and at first I was not into him. He's not that good looking and was a little too clingy too early on. He came on really strong, and I wasn't over my previous boyfriend. So at first I didn't treat him too well... But the more time we spent together, the more I forgot about my ex and developed feelings for this guy. I began treating him better as things between us became more serious..but was not completely taken with him ..... Well, I broke up w/ him. It was weird though because he had been sooooo into me ... but he let me go w/out a fight. He said he agreed w/ me that things weren't working between us. I kind of thought he'd try to keep me... I was shocked . A few weeks later, I began texting him and we began speaking again...I was too afraid of rejection to admit I wanted him back, so I guess I kind of sent mixed signals but basically I was trying to drop hints that I want him back and it may have come off wrong and lead us to some fumbled communications, but eventually he got the impression that I wanted him back...and he basically told me that "in the end, we were very different in important ways and no matter how well we got along, it wasn't going to work out..." or something very similar to that. To save face, I quipped, "why are you explaining to me why it didn't work out? I KNOW why it didn't work out, as I recall the breakup was my idea." Several months later, after no contact, I sent him an apology email saying that I acted like a "giant B----" and he deserved better and I was sorry. Again, I didn't admit to wanting him back,... Truthfully, it was hard for me to swallow my pride, reach out after so long, and be self-depricating in that apology. He didn't even respond to the email. I know he got it, but he didnt respond. That was 3 months ago. Through friends we have in common, I have learned that he hasn't had any sustaining luck in love since our berakup, over a year ago.... Now, not to brag, but I'm not a bad looking girl. When we were going out, he made remarks like, "how did I get you??" because I'm a better looking person than him. But even so, and even though we had great times and great s---ual chemistry..and even though I was a big enough person to admit I was wrong and apologize, he STILL would rather be alone and be rejected by several girls than talk to me again? The way I see it, no relationship is perfect...and at least I was big enough to INITIATE an apology, whereas he wasn't even big enough to ACCEPT it... and he told me just before our breakup that he was falling in love w/ me...how do you go from falling in love w/ someone [which, when a guy says that sober and not during intercours, probably means he already loves you but is not confident that you'll return his "I love you" statement so he's starting by just admitting he's FALLING in love w/ you....] to letting them go w/out a fight and never wanting them back? he went from 60 to 0 in seconds flat.. . literally... It's not like I'm the devil. Can I really be THAT bad?? He's turning 30 next month and as all his friends get married to their long-time girlfriends, and he watches his niece and nephew grow up... he's still alone w/ no prospects...and he's not even interested in talking to me? How does that happen???
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female
reader, I see!  +, writes (11 April 2012):
He is treating you the same way you treated him, in fact you treated him worse. Take in on the chin and find someone who is able to handle you better. You were just incompatible.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): You were abusive to him and he lost interest is what happened. Maybe he decided he wasn't all that into you anyway...it happens. Either way, I'd move on.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 April 2012):
 May I only say that, contrary to what women like to think, a man who is really interested (as opposed to one who is faking interest) does not let go that easily. Witness to that the many women who complain about men not being able to take hints that they are not loved anymore.
I am in agreement with what others said. He was very interested, and you made him lose that interest. You mistreated him and acted very badly. Actions have consequences.
May one consequence of this be that you learn to see things the way they really are, not the way you find easier on you. It is not that he lost interest: you pushed him away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): Just to clarify OP my tone may have been harsh in my last post but I'm not trying to upset you nor offend you. I'm just telling you how I see it and I pull no punches when I do.
I see no point in patting you on the back when I think you're completely wrong.
Just understand I don't know you, don't think you're a bad person and was only responding to what you wrote specifically and is by no means a reflection on the person you are.
My intention is to put my take on things in as clear and as brutally honest a way as to give you a "snap out of it" slap on the face. Not to hurt, humiliate nor offend you.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): Where to start except for the fact you completely fucked him over, toyed with his feelings and think you're somehow better than he can get and think you're somehow the bigger person to apologise and he's not because he didn't accept that.
No offence OP but your full of yourself and now you're just pissed this guy can walk away from the "oh so great" you. You don't even like him, you just hate the ego-bruising you get from the fact that this one guy who you "I'm a better looking person than" can actually resist your amazingness. The truth is you simply never were taken by him as much as you're taken by yourself.
You screwed him over from the start. "So at first I didn't treat him too well..."
You also blew hot and cold "but was not completely taken with him"
You then dumped his sorry ass and after all you did to himhe just gave up.
"I kind of thought he'd try to keep me..."
Oh yeah? So you were testing him then? It couldn't possibly be that you never really showed any real interest in him or that you treated him so bad?
So after 7 months you finally have contact again and this is what you do "I guess I kind of sent mixed signals". Even when you had a chance to tell him you decided to save face instead and even through it back in face that you dumped his lame ass. How the hell is that supposed to tell him how you feel?
"Again, I didn't admit to wanting him back,... Truthfully, it was hard for me to swallow my pride, reach out after so long, and be self-depricating in that apology."
Again you just won't tell him how you feel so all he sees is this head wrecking game player sending him a message and trying to get into his head again so he ignores you and the fact that he hasn't been dating anyone in that year does mean he'd be desperate to go back a woman who has caused him all this heartache and pain, do you really still not understand why this guy wants nothing to do with you?
"not to brag, but I'm not a bad looking girl...I'm a better looking person than him...I was big enough to INITIATE an apology"
Not to brag no? Your entire question is one big long brag about how can this "loser" guy can get over someone as "wonderful" and "beautiful" as you.
"he STILL would rather be alone and be rejected by several girls than talk to me again?"
Oh my god really? How could he? What a fool he must be haha.
"he went from 60 to 0 in seconds flat.. . literally..."
No he didn't you slowly ground him down until he literally couldn't take it anymore and then you dumped him and now you can't even see how wrong all the things you did to him were and think that your meaningless apology will fix that, you think that somehow he will magically be able to tell how you feel even though you kept treating him like crap.
"Can I really be THAT bad??"
Yes, to him you definitely were that bad and even worse is you can't see it.
"How does that happen???"
Well I'd definitely take a life of being alone than take a girl that treats me the way you treated him. A girl that thinks she's better looking than me, thinks it's okay to treat me like crap, thinks it's fine not to tell me how she feels, one who expects me to be her doormat, one who expects me to magically know what she wants from me, one that dumps me then throws that back in my face when I try and reconnect, one that thinks I'm less of man not to accept her apology, one that thinks I have no other prospects than her, one that thinks she's the best thing to ever have happened to me despite everything she has done, one who so egotistical that she thinks I'd be the lucky one to have her, one that sees me as a loser because at 30 I'm watching my other friends get married while I have no one and finally one that really and truly just cannot for the life her fathom why I wouldn't want to be with someone like her.
OP have you ever considered that perhaps after the way he got crushed by you he's just not interested in women at the moment?
If he's smart he will never have anything to do with you again, ever.
One piece of advice OP, you don't deserve anything more than the rest of us in life, I don't care how amazing you think you are if you treat people badly don't except them to all be idiots who will stay and let you keep doing that.
"How does that happen???"
Simple answer: You fucked up, big time. And ruined any chances you had with this guy, and you had lots of chances OP. Take this as a lesson learned and move on. At every point in this entire relationship you made the selfish and wrong decision, learn to put your next guys best interests as one of your priorities. Try to empathize with people more and try to look at situations outside of your rose tinted perception because you got this one so wrong and seemingly have no idea how it went wrong but it was all you.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (8 April 2012):
 He may have been in awe of you at the start, wondering how it could happen. He knows his looks and he knows how successful or unsuccessful he has been in the past with girls.
Maybe you seemed too good to be true.
Looks are not all.
Character and motivations and the inner person - these are all important.
You destroyed his illusions that maybe his luck had changed when you ended the relationship. Who knows how much pain he went through over that? Then you tentatively tried to re-start the relationship but he was super wary. When he tried to give his rationale for why it might now work, because he correctly surmised why you were contacting him - you then squashed his ego by denying that you were interested. He knew it was a lie. You knew it was a lie.
He is not stupid and he did not like the feeling that you underestimated his understanding of the situation.
Who knows how much the second time around pain lasted for him or how much it hurt him?
Guys go through as much pain and as much soul searching as girls when it comes to break-ups. Guy's egos are just as fragile even if they hide it well. They feel deep pain just as we girls do. They feel humiliation as keenly as we girls do. But they try to cover it up with masculine pride when they are hurt.
Maybe guys should tell girls more often how deeply they are hurt too by a breakup?
Sadly, yes it would seem that healing his heart may require longer and may require him (in his opinion) be be alone for longer.
And you already think he is alone with 'no prospects'.
He may have great prospects and he may eventually meet the girl of his dreams. Though his own confidence in himself is a work in progress. He needs to regain his self esteem and his own self confidence. When he does then who knows what heights he can reach and who knows who he will choose as his life partner?
He does not need a girl who thinks he should be grateful for any attention and nor does he need a girl who thinks he has no prospects.
It may well be that he was falling in love with you. But you also showed him another side to you, implying after the breakup that you did not see a future with him Denying that you cared a bit for him when you really were interested. He has lost trust in you. He has been hurt by you.
He is protecting his heart from more hurt. He will meet a girl who adores him and thinks he is the most gorgeous guy on the planet. Beauty is in he eye of the beholder.
The same goes for guys. They can come to utterly and completely adore a girl, not because she is classicly 'beautiful' by the standards of society, but because the guy connects with her and sees a deep inner beauty and a beautiful character and he sees in her a woman who he thinks he could love for the rest of his life and who will be the idea kindest caring loving mother of his children. That's who he is looking for.
I also have this theory - as I have seen evidence of this over and over again. And the theory is this:
When two people are meant to be together they tend to look better and better. Their faces relax. They feel at peace. They feel loved and comfortable. And it shows on their faces. They encourage each other. They value each other in public and in private. They defend their loved ones. They care deeply about their loved ones. They feel complete when with their loved ones. And often they also go on to greater and better things, TOGETHER.
Conversely I have seen 'perfect couples' on the outside who destroy each other. Who belittle each other in public and in private. Who find a myriad of ways to put down their partners. Who think it smart to lie and cheat and be sarcastic to their partners. pretty soon it shows on their faces. They are wary. They are under pressure and they are not relaxed. They do not support each other - not overtly and not covertly. Instead they undermine each other. It shows on their faces. They are not happy. It is no way to live. Their home is not happy.
This guy is trying to do his best to protect his future. He does not want to feel like he is second best.
He did not lose interest quickly. He lost it slowly and with great sadness over the time it took to know you until he could take no more.
Empathy is hard to learn. And sadly most of us have to learn it by trial and error and experience. This guy has taught you some very valuable lessons. Perhaps he was the guy you needed back then. Hopefully you have learned some sobering lessons.
Only by some miracle might you be able to rekindle his interest. But it is unlikely that he wants to expose to heart to you any time in the near future.
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