A
male
age
36-40,
*olinsky
writes:I'm a guy and I'm 24. The thing is I'm still a virgin and at this point it really feels like I'll never have a girlfriend. Is that wrong? I'm more likely to believe that I've got a better chance at ending world hunger rather than landing a date. It just feels impossible to me. I've had quite a few attempts, but they ended poorly and as age is advancing it makes things more difficult, because everyone I know is now coupled or even married.Actually, right now I want to know "HOW". How do people get together?!I just saw a girl's post here. She was worried that she wouldn't be fully expressing her love if she didn't swallow her boyfriend's semen. Geez! I can't even get them to look at me and she's worried about swallowing. How does a guy get that kind of attention?
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male
reader, Kolinsky +, writes (7 October 2009):
Kolinsky is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you.
I keep coming back here with more problems every now and then, but you guys make sense. And the problems are more complicated each time so that means I must've gotten over the previous ones I had. Progress!
Again - thanks a million.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): Woah, slow down! If you did not blow her mind the instant you open your mouth it does not mean you have 'blown it' forever! As you said it was a learning experience, and now you know not to concentrate on WHAT you are about to say - instead, simply be a good listener when she speaks and offer your honest opinion when it's your turn to speak. If she is a half decent person she will be respectful and listen to what you say too.
Conversations are often a lot simpler that that too... say 'Hi, How are you' and go from there. Perhaps inquire about what she is working on in her department, or if she watched the premiere of that new show on TV (that you enjoyed or hated! potential for more convo!), or how annoying the broken coffee machine is etc etc :)
And you don't have to be SUPER assertive! Smiling and being friendly will show her that you are interested at a basic level, and work your way up from there.
It does take a lot of effort. I, myself, am not that good at connecting with people. I tend to get nervous, and I really fret about people's opinions of me. But I found that you just gotta keep at it. Remember that your world is not going to end because of a few awkward silences. Tomorrow is a new day with more opportunities!
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A
male
reader, Kolinsky +, writes (7 October 2009):
Kolinsky is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYep, seems that way. It's just that I'm slow to learn and I'm also slow to connect.
Just now I had a conversation with a great girl (colleague of mine), but I just couldn't keep it up. I was too stressed about what to ask her and what she would think of me. There was lots of that awkward silence and it was my fault. And now I blew it. She will never show interest in me again.
On the other hand it is a learning experience, but I just keep blowing it every time. If I pull off the conversation I fail somewhere else. I'm never quick or assertive enough.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): A nice guy asked me out 1.5 years ago, and every day I'm thankful that I said yes. To be honest, he was loitering around "friend-territory" so I was taken by surprise when he asked if I wanted to go out to dinner. We shared a common interest (cars) and while he did not seem as exciting, dominant and macho as the other guys in the club, I found his caring nature, and moral values fitted well with mine. You really need to get out there. Sitting at home will only get you dates if you spend your time and effort on internet dating (which is often quite fruitful and credible). You work full-time? Perhaps join your workmates at the pub for after-work drinks. They might meet friends from nearby businesses who you can get to know. Go to a film festival, the library, church, car wash etc - anything YOU are interested in that will give you instant conversation material and common ground when approaching potential dates. It makes it easier if you can get to know someone in a social setting before asking them on a date, but often that is not practical and you really need to express your interest. Realistically, you will get many declined invitations, but keep trying and not only will you find it easier, you will find out what you are looking for in a partner.Good luck :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): as a woman, i can safely say that there are many girls out there that are waiting for a guy like you. but if you are waiting for them to make the first move it might never happen. many girls, myself included, like it when guys make the first move. that being said, i advise you to go to places where women might be. bookstores, the mall, and grocery stores are all good examples. when you see a girl you like, make eye contact and smile. if she smiles back just go over and start talking to her. if she blows you off oh well. eventually one of them wont. i personally wish more guys would do this. and i wouldnt worry too much about being a "caring" guy. i think that is a very good thing and eventually someone special will too. its better to be a nice guy than a jerk. and personally, your life of chastity is impressive. it shows that you have morals and are not willing to jump in bed with someone just for the heck of it. there should be more guys like you.
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A
male
reader, Kolinsky +, writes (5 October 2009):
Kolinsky is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlright, it seems like I put a lot of emphasize on the "sex" matter.
In reality, I don't even give a damn about sex. I'm just a bit tired of being single while other guys have to beat girls off with a stick. I'm pushing 25 and what've I got to show for it? A life of chastity? That's impressive...
And going on 3 first dates (no second ones) is hardly an achievement.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): The way I see it, if you can get on dates you are physically good enough for her (otherwise she wouldn't consider you), just as she is physically good enough for you. No need to go as far as sex to feel ok about yourself. I'm pretty sure most girls are satisfied with knowing that the guy thinks she is physically good enough (otherwise he definitely would not be on a date with her).
Of course, there are personality factors that make it a bit harder for guys to get dates, but I'm just saying, if you can get dates... You can relax a bit because at the physical level at least, you are enough.
Hope this helps
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A
male
reader, Overture to Don Giovanni  +, writes (5 October 2009):
 i guess we're on the same boat then. i feel exactly the same way, Kolinsky.
"Women are messed up when it comes to "caring". If you're caring they walk over you, because you come off as "not manly", because a real man would not care. He takes what he wants, he doesn't ask for it. At least that's how things seem to work. You start caring how they are and what they have been up to and you instantly go into the friend bucket forever."
that's absolutely 100% true!!
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A
male
reader, called Steve +, writes (4 October 2009):
 The way you start your posting it appears that it's only an issue with yourself.
As already stated - if you are looking for sex, it is obvious. Just be yourself, dont be pushy... on the contrary let the lucky ladies come to you, you have very much to offer them. You're probably going to the wrong places and doing the wrong things... a good place for meeting people is actually a Supermarket. Just be a little open and ask stupid questions of someone you like, even if they have a BF with them - it will give you confidence that it sounds like you need.
Go Swimming, Gym etc - although a Gym might not be your COT, if will get you into the mindset..
Good luck and dont let anyone put you down about anything - it's great that you haven't just given yourself away for the sake of it.
Steve
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A
male
reader, Kolinsky +, writes (4 October 2009):
Kolinsky is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat part with the 10 times makes much more sense. Thanks, dude.
Best of luck with your lady.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 October 2009):
It happened to me ten times! I'm there as well. But number 11 said yes and I've been really happy with her. Stay nice. If you turn into a bag guy, you'll attract women who are either no good, or who are underconfident and clingy. You have to give it time and take time get to know a girl. We live in a country where at least 60% of couples are unhappy, so I say take time. You'll find her.
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male
reader, Kolinsky +, writes (4 October 2009):
Kolinsky is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, it doesn't work that way, see?
Women are messed up when it comes to "caring". If you're caring they walk over you, because you come off as "not manly", because a real man would not care. He takes what he wants, he doesn't ask for it. At least that's how things seem to work.
You start caring how they are and what they have been up to and you instantly go into the friend bucket forever. It happened to me and I've seen it happen to other guys.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 October 2009):
My experience is that you have to get to know a woman and listen to her. There's no rush. And the way to meet a woman to speak to her is to take up a hobby where women are, such as dancing. Don't come accross as desperate for sex, because women won't go for that (if they do, they're not for you). Just be a good guy, a listener, be understanding. Get to know a woman and see where it leads. But you do need to put yourself out there more. Find a hobby or something that you can share with women. Best of luck.
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