A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:When your boyfriend of 2 years asks for "space" or "a break" for a while, because he wants to do his own thing for a while (no other explanation offered by him, no matter how much I pry), how should I treat it?Should I treat it as him leaving me, and say goodbye and then start to move on? Is this overreacting? Will this either make him come back to me when he isn't ready, or potentially kill the relationship when maybe he really only did want space for a while?Or should I be understanding and tell him I'll be here when he's ready? Does this make me a good (ex?) girlfriend or a pushover? Will this make him come back to me in his own time, or realize that he can pretty much go off on his own and do whatever he likes and not have to worry about me leaving, therefore making me his doormat?I don't want to be the overreacting bitch or the doormat. ): Help.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 September 2010):
 I dont think your guy is an ass for wanting a break. I think he is being for real when he says he wont meet other women while on a break (if that is what he actually said and not what he wanted you to hear). And if he is not using a break to sleep around that means he has a genuine reason for wanting a break. To clear his head, figure out if this relationship is what he wants and needs. The outcome is that he either gets determined to be with you, or you break up. I don't see this break as meaning a definite break-up. I also think that even if he said he would be understanding if you date others, you must realize that if you do start dating others out of spite, he will not return to you. He will get hurt, and even if you were on a break, not all things are ok. If you care for him do not date others or see other men while you are on a break.
But, determine how long this break will last. It can not be indefinite.
A
female
reader, xanthic  +, writes (18 September 2010):
 A 'break' is a convenient excuse people use to play the field while still having their former boyfriend/girlfriend around as a back-up plan. They use the vagueness to their advantage; if it didn't work out with someone else, they have you to go back to. If they do find someone else, they move on to that person and claim the 'break' made them realize the relationship wasn't working out anyway. This arrangement should never be accepted in the first place. It never ends well, even if you get back together.
In response to your follow-up answer, this is unfortunately how some men operate. He wants to play the field while still having you to himself. Men like him don't want to share, but are perfectly fine with being shared.
Consider the break a break-up and be done with it. If this is how he's going to treat you and your relationship, he doesn't deserve either.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice.
It's difficult because I can't seem to get a straight answer our of him. I wrote him a letter a few days after we split (it was about 2 weeks ago), saying "Goodbye", "I'll miss you but I understand" kinda thing, and then after he read it he turned up on my doorstep saying he missed me. I said he had to make his mind up about what he wanted and then haven't heard from him since.
I think he temporarily missed me when he read the letter and realized that I was quite serious about moving on (well, I was pretending to be). But I think he quickly got over it or remembered why it was he needed space.
I can't help but think that you are right and he is just trying to play the field, but he also told me he would be upset (but understanding) if he found out I got with another man while we were apart, and that he didn't plan on getting into another girl (although he could easily just be saying that to comfort me).
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010): There are two kinds of breaks, ones that allow dating and sleeping with other people, and ones that don't.
If the person won't specify which type of break it is, that probably means they want the former while hoping you will think it's the latter.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (18 September 2010):
 There is a middle ground here... Just say, "ok, well seeya" and nothing more.
If he asks what you mean by that then just stay as vague as he is clearly being with you. Just put out the vibe that you're a free woman during this "break" and if you meet somebody else that you're not just going to drop everything for him when he finally decides that his break is over...
That is only if you want him back of course.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 September 2010):
At his age, and with his excuse, you would be better to treat it as if it's over. He's a young guy, and probably doesn't want to commit. And his reason 'I want to do my own thing', could mean he wants to play the field a bit before settling. This is something you don't need.
If he was going through a personal crisis, or your relationship was on the rocks, I think you could take the chance on the break.
But I'm a man, so I know how we think. And I know what he's thinking. He doesn't want to be committed or tied down at his age, and he wants to play the field, hoping he can always come back to if all else fails.
I would pull the rug from under this guy and end it completely. If he loved you that much, he would give you a definitive reason, and he would make more of an effort. He wouldn't suggest a break just because 'he wants to do his own thing'. You'd do better to leave this guy and completely move on.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (17 September 2010):
You need to ask him what he means by break, and how he defines it, as well as set the boundaries for what is okay and not okay to do while on break. Because what a break is depends on who the couple are. Sometimes it can be a break from talking or hanging out, others mean a break completely like a break-up, which means they are allowed to sleep around. Others again mean other things. So you definitely need to ask your guy this. Ask him if during the break he is still your boyfriend.
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