A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do you talk to a partner/lover about your unhappiness with the sexual aspect of your relationship?I have some issues with my girlfriend, and I feel like I need to talk to her about them, but the more I think about it the more I feel like an asshole, I don't want to hurt her or upset her, or I think maybe I'm the one with the problem and am just delusional about it, or that I should be lucky I'm even having sex at all.Can anyone relate? I know communication is key this is just such a sensitive issue and again, I don't want to hurt her. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): Ok ok ok before you take on any ones advice here and go straight into 'the big chat' with her I think that you should elaborate a bit more on the problems. Me being a female, and knowing what these things can be like, and considering you dont know how to go about it, I think you should most definately specify the problems so that us aunts can give you the spot on advice on how to go about it so to not crush her feelings :)
A
female
reader, Janicp14  +, writes (27 February 2009):
Don't tell her "I don't like our sex", but rather tell her what you do like. "I like when you do that" or "Can we try this?" this is how me and my boyfriend figure out what works, and we don't take it offensively, we just do it. At first, everyone feels a little strange, like "Am I doing something wrong?" but as soon as they do as their partner wishes and they can see how good it's making them feel, that thought does away and is replaced with contentment. Hope I helped! Great sex is important. Pay attention to what makes her feel best, by paying attention to her breathing or moaning, and also asking her what she wants you to do!
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (27 February 2009):
 Just be open and really gentle with her about it. It's hard to advise anything further since you didn't disclose the problem at hand.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): Tell her flat out; however, as gently as you possibly can. Do not say a thing if you are in the middle of the act, but if you do, again be gentle. We break easy. :(
She may have no idea that you are unsatisfied. In fact, I think she thinks that your sex life is great! You just need to stress the differences between men and women - she will please you because she loves you (even if she may not be in the mood).
Let her know, look into her eyes and be as sincere as I know you are.
I hope the best for you two!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): Well, you don't say what the issues are, but in any case you should try to come from a place of love. Choose your words very, very carefully and try not to place any blame, make any criticisms etc.
Make it out that there is a problem that is outside both you and your girlfriend and you need to solve it together so that you can both start enjoying better sex with each other. Emphasize how much it means to you that she is satisfied, that you are both happy and fulfilled.
If it's something particular to her (hygiene etc.) then you can try suggesting it casually in a non threatening way, and talk in terms of solutions, and what you need from her, instead of talking about how messed up things are.
You say you are worried about coming off as an asshole, which makes me wonder. If you have some issue with her weight, or some sex act that she won't perform, or you think there is something wrong with her vagina or the way she has sex with you etc etc then I would think carefully about it. As long as what you are having a problem with is fixable, and reasonable, and leads to good things for both of you, then honesty is the best policy.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Plutonious +, writes (27 February 2009):
haha. I know how you feel.
Majority of the couples here are never satisfied with sex, Unfortunately.
So try this:
Without actually telling her your issues in bed, why don't you do it indirectly by maybe planning a night on the town, have dinner, movie, go to a bar, come home, relax! make her feel comfortable. pamper just a tad bit.
or
I've never tried this before but for those who are my friends and did it says that their sex life together improved. Go to Swinger's club, where they have sex in front of you. but i did try going to strip club with my boyfriend that helps too actually.
I dont know how your girl would take it being in a strip club with you though...Really she shouldn't get all jealous. but if she feels that way offer to have a stripper have private lap dance?
so you two could have a little excitement along the way home after by talking about it, then of course with this subject one thing can always lead to another, just as long as you play your cards right without being pushy or hurting her.
You two can discuss how you like a certain way of "doing this" and "that" once that door is open... that's your opportunity to dig out what she really loves to do in bed therefore you could do it to her all the time.
My boyfriend and I had this problem but once we opened up to each other about it after visiting the STRIP CLUB, it has improved so much.
hope all is well on this...
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): This is a subject which should be handled with the utmost care. My ex husband was unhappy about the sexula side of our relationship and when he tried to discuss this with me I was very hurt and upset and the upshot was I never felt like I wanted to or felt comfortable about sleeping with him again. Obviously you don't say what the issues are but if it is about the way she tries to arouse you then do tread very carefully. always try the guiding approach rather than just saying she is doing something wrong. if it is over the amount of sex you are getting people do have very different needs and this can be a make or break in the relationship stakes. If it is something personal or embarrassing - best left alone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): I understand exactly what you mean but the problem simply won't fix itself if you don't tell her.I don't know what the problem specifically is but you could try hinting at it when the time is right or just flat out tell her.
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