A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need help / advice / tips on how to spot a player or a guy who could be taking you for a ride or what I can do to evaluate. I have met a guy who is nice enough to me and says all the nice things and has said he likes me. To be honest I havent known him for that long and because of that he hasnt actually given me any reason to show he is a player or bad or whatever. But his friends are players and he is quite attractive and has alot of female admirers nto to mention because of his line of work he is surrounded by beautiful women all the time. So I dont know if he could be seeing me as a game or if he is like all of his friends or whatever. My mum always said; show me your friends and I will tell you who you are. I know people would prob say to go with teh flow and dont overestimate this earlier on...but I have started to recover from depression and panic attacks etc and really can NOT afford to have anything or anyone make me go back to that place so I much prefer to be cautious and find a way to weed out bad people who could potentially send me back to that place. So would really appreciate helpful advice as opposed to "oh go along with it see what the future holds or you cant pre-judge people" etc etc thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): Most of the time a girl is asking this question, it's obvious that he's a player and she's trying to decide whether to obey her common sense or not.
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (7 July 2008):
 ''How do you spot a guy who is a 'player'?''Okay here goes...1} If has multiple Yahoo and Hotmail e-mail and IM addresses. He is a 'playa' on the net. 2} He gets details wrong about things you have told him repeatedly. This is a sure sign he's got too much information coming in from toooo many women.3} He doesn't listen to his phone mail messages in front of you. 4} He only calls you from work ~ never from home (he may be married). 5} He drives a car that attracts a lot of attention. This sort of man often craves excess attention, and the sexual opportunities it offers.6} He calls you babe all the time instead of your name. Maybe he can't remember your name, or he sometimes calls you a name that is incorrect. 7} He forgets your birthday or other important events. 8} He lies a lot. You catch him in small lies and wonder if he's lying about more important issues too. 9} He's too flash ~ he favours extremely expensive clothing, brags about how much it costs and gets a strop on if you don't compliment him on the way he looks and dresses.Good points made by the other aunts and uncles, ie ChiRaven ~ 'Don't lose your heart to him'....everything Rhythmandblues has said.... also Athena's comment ~ ''Get to know him better..then you'd be in a better position to judge''...and Yos ~ " A 'player' will usually lose interest if he thinks he's not going to get sex relatively fast". So take things slow my love, that way you can control yourself from suffering those panic attacks again and avoid falling into that depressive state. Take care and good luck.BigSis xXx
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (7 July 2008):
 The simplest way to spot a player is to get to know them over time without having sex. If a guy is honestly really interested in you, he'll be happy to date, hang out and appreciate you whilst waiting for sex. A 'player' will usually lose interest if he thinks he's not going to get sex relatively fast. And, as the other aunts have pointed out, find out a bit about his past and observe him around other women. If he wants a relationship with YOU then he should be focusing on you, and not on other girls.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): Speaking from experience, I know that the best way to spot a player is if he is extremely charming, meaning that he always makes you feel like you are so special and that you are all that matters to him whenever he's talking to you. Be careful with those guys who are such smooth talkers.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): I don't know if he is a player or not but if you are not ready to get hurt then I think it is a bad idea to date. With dating comes the risk that you will be played and you will get hurt. But that is what makes us LEARN and makes us stronger. It sounds like you are in a very fragile emotional state and even if he wasn't a player, with relationships come ups and downs and if you are too fragile how will you cope? You should deal with your own issues, become a strong, complete woman, before entering a relationship. But on the topic of whether he is a player, in my opinion, I guess the biggest evidence really that might point to him being a player is that his friends are players. I agree with that, that you are who your friends are. But even that is not always so cut and dry. The fact that he has alot of female admirers could mean that he has a flirty personality. But in my opinion that doesn't say anything about whether he is a player, cause I used to have alot of male admirers because I used to be a big flirt but I wasn't necessarily a player. What you need to go by is how he treats YOU in the presence of these other ladies. If his attention is all on you and he introduces you to everybody, then that is a good sign. But I think the point is that if you are not ready to find out, good or bad, then get out now and heal yourself first before you enter into anything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): Learn to trust your intstincts, if something seems off it probably is, and you need to address it right then....be honest in what you want, be your authentic self and you will attract someone who deserves you....your prince has to be able to recognize you. If you are hiding or are pretending to be someone you are not, then you may attract someone inappropriate for you.
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven  +, writes (7 July 2008):
 The way to tell about someone is to observe them over time. Get to know them before you get involved. This is particularly important because of your vulnerable emotional state.
I agree that you can't pre-judge people, but that doesn't mean you have to be reckless about who you trust, either.
Bottom line: keep things cool with this fellow for now. Stay in touch, but don't get any hot romance going. Don't lose your heart to him. You can't afford the price. Find out who he is first, and then if you like who he is you can move closer.
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