A
female
age
36-40,
*elbelle2430
writes:Two months ago my ex broke up with me out of nowhere. We were "that" couple, the one that got along so well, had so much fun together, could party and have fun, or have romantic evenings together. We had just started having our first fight, and I could feel him pulling away. We both still enjoy going out so we would every weekend, but he drank to the point of obliteration. The first couple times it was fun, but then I felt like I was babysitting. He left me uptown a couple times because he didn't realize that I was gone, there was a night my friends and I tried to find him and he didn't even know what bar he was at, and I felt like all he cared about was himself in these situations. Knowing I was supposed to stay at his place that night, he just disappeared and I didn't hear from him until the next morning. And then I was wrong for being so upset. Not only was I worried about him, but it showed me that he wasn't concerned about me! He has only had one other serious relationship, and it was with a girl that cheated on him the entire time. He has a past of lots of flings, but no commitment, and when things get difficult, he just walks away without trying to work it out. And he did the same thing to me, after promising me he would tell me if he ever had concerns with us. One night he came over, said he was frustrated but decided we should try. The next night he asked me over, was cold towards me, but we still hooked up, kissed me and said he loved me on his way out to work, and then wrote me on facebook that afternoon to break up with me. Since then he's told me so many excuses, that I'm selfish and wanted too much time, that it's him and he's not ready, that he wants to settle down but I'm not the one. I finally tried to cut off communication.A couple weeks after we broke up he started dating some girl that's friends with some of mine. That hurt. His 30th birthday was a week ago and I had a huge party planned, and it was difficult because he celebrated with this girl by his side. I'm fortunate to have amazing friends, and all of mine took me out all weekend to keep me busy. But that Monday he texted me again. And again on Wednesday. I responded and said that it's still weird for me to talk to him and that I had heard about his new girl. He went on to tell me about how much she likes him, but he just wants to be friends, and that he even made out with another girl in front of her on his birthday. Then he wrote me the next day about how much he loves life and being single, yet he's watching our old videos. I've run into him twice since then and he's tried coming up to talk and I just say hi and keep going. He's written me about how amazing our weekends were together and asked why I was upset and not responding. I finally wrote back today saying that it's hurtful to tell your ex these things, and I don't respect that. I've broken up with men before, but I don't rub it in that I found somebody new or how happy I am without them. I do miss the fun times that we had together, and at first I thought about being friends. But he has shown me that he can be narcissistic, mean, and uncaring of others feelings. Everybody loves him and he is a great time, but I don't want to be hurt anymore. How do I make myself see him for all that he is, not just the wonderful memories I have of us? Should I try and be friends with him?
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (5 May 2013):
 You know, MAYBE you could be friends with this man if he weren't such an emotional rollercoaster. I think he's having a tough time adjusting to life without you, but you know what? that's NOT your problem, it's his, you two could have kept going strong if he were able to deal with the original conflict you two had (if you got back together this would definitely happen again if he hasn't developed any coping mechanisms in the meantime). I think he feels guilt about how things went down but is trying to justify to himself that he made the right choice--and is pushing you further away to prove it.
You're not the right recipient for this 'exorcism' of emotions. There's too much toxicity here and manipulation to make this a healthy thing for you right now. Starting ignoring him is a great step, but I do think you have to go further, erase his number/block his calls, unfriend him..you may not be able to avoid him altogether, especially if he's still part of your friend group, but you need to just avoid him and cut him out for now. Maybe time will heal the damage he's done and the craziness he's feeling, but like you say, maybe you're just seeing a real side of him that sucks.
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