A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I'm a gay male that has been in a LTR with another man for over 10 years. We are both in our early 30's and are monogamous. At various points in our relationship, my partner has emotionally and mentally been exploring the idea of being with someone else - wondering if the grass really is greener, so to speak. I don't believe that he has cheated on me in a physical sense - the closest he came was being emotionally unfaithful with someone he knew from work. This happened during a rocky time in our relationship when he felt that I was emotionally unavailable and he was seeking validation where he could get it. We discussed this (at length) and we've both gone through therapy. I too have wondered if this is what I want and whether or not I might be settling, but his curiosity leads him to action - striking up conversation with someone he finds attactive, working out at "cruisy" gyms to check out guys and get checked out. I was able to accept this as being relatively harmless (given that we know more than one couple who have open relationships or have been repeatedly unfaithful) because I felt that I had more to offer than any of the potential guys that could've posed a threat.Over the past year or so, I've gained about 60 pounds (so I'm at 230) and lost that conidence, which has affected my relationship.My partner and I tend toward over-communicating, if anything. We've talked about how the weight gain and my lower self esteem has affected us - I'm less social (and less sexual) than I was before. We haven't been intimate in 3 or 4 months. Just recently, after meeting with his therapist, he expressed to me that he is dissatisfied sexually within our relationship, a fact which has led him to mentally explore other options and question our relationship. He attributes a great deal of this to the fact that he is no longer attracted to me physically because of the weight I have gained.Now, I acknowledge that I have "let myself go" so to speak and I recognize the negative consequences it has had on my self-confidence and on our relationship. I even understand his dissatisfaction and frustration that I haven't addressed it (by working out, going to the gym, etc.) I also recognize that taking better care of myself should be a higher priority in my life.I guess the dilemma I've been facing has to do with the power dynamic within our relationship and the roles we both have sort of fallen into. I find myself carrying so much resentment that I want to lose the weight just so I can reject his sexual advances so he knows how it feels. I hate that I feel this way, because it's not fair to either of us. He's making efforts at being more honest about his feelings and I'm trying to recapture the assertiveness and confidence I used to have. We're both just so angry that we can't or won't support each other and we both feel entitled to something we're not getting.I've invested over a decade in this relationship, but a huge part of me questions if this conflict is to be expected in any relationship or if I'm just a little too understanding about things and have compromised myself in the process. We've stopped being positive forces in each other's lives but I love him and have no doubt about the fact that he loves me. I just don't want to be wondering whether my partner is still with me because he's afraid to risk being alone instead of actively wanting to be with me.The love is there, but I don't quite know what to do with my level of resentment. Neither one of us has been satisfied sexually, even before I gained the weight. Now that he's communicated that he wants us to work on improving it, I am left feeling mostly apathetic.How do I address something significant about a relationship that I do truly value, when (in the moment) I don't feel like I care as much I want to?
View related questions:
cheated on me, confidence, no longer attracted, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, jp23 +, writes (15 May 2011):
 I think its always important to seek out your partner instead of others to talk to, because you can create a new attachment with someone else that could be unhealthy. Yes and in any relationship there is going to be the harmless flirtation now and then. He is very vain. Well first question do you love him, do you see your self with him every day? Do you want to loose weight? If so I would say check out health web sites, they give a lot of helpful suggestions, ummm such as if you "eat before a work out and then go workout you can loose weight, because your blood gets thicker." they give you helpful hints of what would be the best things to eat too. And they even have exercise videos too. But going back to the topic of you and him. I think anger is very unhealthy. Let go of it. You know he has put you through a lot, but just let it go. Let those feeling go, bec, they will hurt and hinder your rel.ship more than help it. Try to fix it, not add on chaos k. The more you guys have friction, the more you will distance yourself from each other. Is that what you want? More distance? More decay, Lets try and fix the cavity in a sense. You need to go to the root and build your way back up again. Just because you hit a snag in the road doesn't mean you through in the towel so quickly. You have to find patience and gain patience where there is none. tell your self every day, be more patient. You love him, are you just going to give up on him, on your self and your rel-ship? don't. He is looking for someone to comfort him, try to be that person for him right now. a listener. One more thing, how is your sex life before everything fell apart. I mean was it great,good,fair. When I have sex I tend to get lost in the moment of it, and he is deep and I am like ooo... I am kissing him and I am so caught up in the moment. I tend to bit the lower lip and his neck and shoulder even his nipple, I like it when a guy bites me there its like pain with a strong pleasure. And when I look in his eyes its so soft but sharp. Foreplay is really important. getting you and him in the mood and building your selves up for the moment everything starts to happen. the main thing is to be engaged, wanting to do it and see his reaction to it. there is more but you will have to ask me about that lol.
A
female
reader, sabra +, writes (15 May 2011):
It sounds like your own self confidence has a lot to do with your issues...so maybe you should work on that? Hit a gym, change your diet (nothing too drastic), tell yourself you're awesome in the mirror a couple times a day. It sounds silly, but it may help so why not :)And as for your man, well...I personally do not feel that sex should be the be-all, end-all in a relationship - it's important, very important, but I don't feel that because he says he's not sexually attracted to you at the moment because you let yourself slide a bit is a reason to give up on a relationship.So basically, go to the gym and live healthier, do self-confidence exercises and try to work on your relationship. But ultimately, if he still maintains his stance and doesn't change, you may want to reevaluate the relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 May 2011):
 Take a break from him and get to the gym, because all this hurt is destroying you.
And who you are, and how you feel, and your self esteem, is more important than even this building resentment and this faltering relationship.
There are some seriously cute looking guys at most gyms you can use as eye candy while you use the treadmill, on an incline please, to increase the workout.
You have a lot of history together, imagine gis face when he sees the new you?
...............................
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (15 May 2011):
 Dear friend,
I know that right now you feel overwhel with all the things happening w/ur partner...
Let me start by saying that, the fact that he's honest w/you he's showing you a great amount of respect & he really loves you & cares about you...
As far as seeing a therapist is a good start.. Just give some time to cool down all the emotions.. Its hard to talk when u feel so much anger, confusing...
For now, take a day by day.. He still with you that means he still loves you.. You even said since you gained weight you don't feel confident, not happy, right?
I agree with you when you said you need to take care of yourself, loose the weight, not because of physical apperance, but for health reasons.. Loosing the weigh will make you feel better, have more energy & make you happy... If you're happy, he'll be happy too...
You have to understand that positive energy is very important... Would you want to be around someone sad, negative all the time? Of course not! So, start exercising, eating healthy, do it together!!
I am sure once you regain your confidence, change your attitude, your love will blossom again... Ten years is a very long time, I believe that there's no doubt that you both love each other very much...
Make yourself happy, make a happy home so your partner can come home to...
I admire your partner so much for being honest with you...
Good luck to both of you, don't let go easily, good and people are hard to find
Wish you both happiness!
...............................
|
