A
male
age
41-50,
*muk Lela
writes:Dear Aunties,Good evening from Nairobi Kenya. I had previously asked a question about this guy younger than me who we have been having an intimate relationship with.How do you respond to a break up with a gay guy? I am 36, he is 22. We have had sex once. We live together and kiss every day. Gayism is still illegal in Kenya, and he comes from a very religious background. Previously, he mentioned he would never be gay, and would never sleep with me or love me. However, my gaydar could sense him, and he came round after Five years. We have had oral sex several times. My problem is he likes staying up late on the couch chatting up women and thus sometimes only comes to join me in bed at 2am, sometimes as late as 5am. I want to be intimate with him, and I have expressed this verbally to him. He promises but never comes round to doing so. He also has several girlfriends and has had sex with three of them. We argued yesterday about his lack of warmth towards me in bed, that whenever I touch him he pushes me away. He says he wants to break up with me. I love him, but I also feel used, and I need to take a break from all this. Please advise.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 December 2020):
 I think you need to kick him out. He doesn't WANT a physical relationship with you because he doesn't WANT a gay relationship.
He isn't going to stop seeing women, wanting to BE with women and you can't MAKE a person WANT you or LOVE you.
Let him go.
Don't try and BE with a guy who isn't OK with homosexuality.
Wish him well, and tell him to move out ASAP.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (3 December 2020):
 Regardless of what your "gaydar" is telling you, this guy is never going to be into you in the same way you are into him. You have doggedly pursued him all these years, since he was an impressionable teenager. He is still not giving you what you want and yet you carry on chasing and living in hope. When are you going to realize he is not for you?
We cannot always have what we want in life. That is just life. You now have a choice: keep hanging on there in the hope he will change his mind (he won't) or move on and find yourself someone who actually wants to be in a relationship with you. Your choice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2020): Oops! Found more typos!
"You've reworded your post, but the answers are going to be the same. You are infatuated with the guy; and he is most likely taking advantage of it.
"To me it seems that he is simply "gay for pay!"
P.S.
He's just not willing to take things as far as you want to take them. It doesn't seem he is willing to risk whatever punishment or persecution you could face, if you're caught!
He's leaving himself room for "deniability!" If you're both discovered; he can point the finger at you, as being the one who's trying to force a gay-relationship on him! He's the younger of the two of you, and he has a religious background; so investigating authorities would be more inclined to believe you're trying to seduce him! You better be careful, my friend!
Sorry, if I'm not telling you what you want to hear!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2020): [EDIT]:
Typo corrections, fixing grammatical-errors, and adding proper punctuation.
"How generous are you being when it comes to gifts and covering both your living-expenses?"
"It just seems like the typical older gay-man, infatuated with a questionably-bisexual or straight-guy; who's using those feelings to get money, and whatever he can get out of him!"
"A stubborn or conceited-man, who wants what he wants; doesn't listen to wisdom or reason contrary to his pursuits. He is driven by his ego; and he's a slave to his desires."
"Until he gets so frustrated, that he throws up his hands; and he finally decides that enough is enough!"
Better said:
"Let him deal with his own feelings and concerns about a breakup. You're the one here writing for advice. Not him!"
"If there is, why are you here?"
*I apologize for so many errors!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2020): I'll ask you this. Who's paying the bills? How much does he contribute monetarily to the household? How generous are you being when it comes to gifts and covering both your living expenses? It just seems like the typical older gay-man infatuated with a straight-guy who uses his feelings to get money and whatever he can get out of him!
A stubborn or conceited-man who wants what he wants, doesn't listen to wisdom or reason; he is guided by his ego and, a slave to his desires. Until he gets so frustrated he throws up his hands, and decides enough is enough! Nobody here can talk you out of this situation. You can take or leave the advice. It's your own personal-decision. You're too old to believe you can wish people into feeling what you want them to feel for you. You are experienced enough in life to know when someone isn't reciprocating your feelings, or fulfilling your needs; you must let them go. That's reality and commonsense. Let them deal with their own feelings and concerns about it; you're the one here writing for advice. Not him!
You've reworded post, but the answers are going to be the same. You are infatuated with the guy; and he is most likely taking advantage of it. To me is seems that he is simply gay for pay. All the nonsense about kissing every morning and coming to bed; then claiming he pushes you away is very contradictory. It makes your story very questionable and incredible. Trying to convince us that there's something there. If there is, why are you here. We can't see either of you, we can't tell him how to feel about you. We can't tell you how to convince him to come out of the closet knowing he doesn't want to ascribe to a gay relationship openly and voluntarily; in spite of your every effort to force him to!
You're trying to drag 100% gay-feelings out of him. He's giving you whatever it takes to have a place to live; and have someone who takes care of him. Meanwhile, he's chatting-up females and playing you for whatever you'll give him. Your efforts to manipulate and outsmart him are obviously not working!
How do you respond to a breakup with a gay guy? Like any other breakup, you move on! You go find what you want with someone willing and able to give to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2020): I think you are feeling rejected rather than used.
You can't force a guy to want to have sex with you because you sense he might!
Clearly this guy gets into bed to sleep and it must be getting on his nerves that you expect that he should give you sex.
Your living arrangements may seem normal for Nairobi but I think one of you needs to move out of the accomadation.
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