A
female
age
51-59,
*atfink
writes:Ok, I'm the poor sod who asked for help about a year ago with the husband who was addicted to porn, sex chat lines, websites etc. I have since made the move to get divorced from him and it has not been easy. At the moment I am suffering from severe depression as diagnosed by my docs. I made a stupid, stupid decision one night to take an overdose of paracetamol washed down with brandy. I just couldn't face my life anymore. After being released from the hospital I decided to go on with life as normal, went to the party I had organised that night and put on the face that nothing was wrong.Thing is the friend who organised the party took me to the YMCA where she had had thereapy a while ago about two weeks before my overdose. She recognised that I was very ill mentally but I refused to see it myself. She doesn't know about the overdose but knows I reached a low recently.At the moment I am still very very low. Many mornings I wake up and wonder what the point is of going on. I have arranged to see a counselor but as they are so busy I can't see one for many weeks. My doc gave me Prozac which I took for amonth then decided I did not want to be dependant on prescription drugs so stopped.The thing is I still feel so worthless. My ex husband continues to cause me problems in that the car we took a loan out on together has a lot of fines outstanding on it, mainly from him being at strip clubs or off doing whatever in the middle of the night. I may have bailiffs descending upon my house because of this.As a result I contacted a lawyer who said I should take the car away (My name is on the loan as he couldn't get finance). I arranged for him to take over finance on the car twice and he failed to do so, so now it's being reclaimed.He is not responding to any letters or calls from the finance co so now the car is probably offically stolen with my name on the financ agreement! I'm continuing to get more and more depressed about the whole situation as he will not respond to any communication and I just feel like he doesn't really give a shit about me or what he's putting me through.I just feel as if my husband never really cared for me, as if I was just some meal ticket for him to get what he wanted and I was too stupid to see it.I just don't know how to progress and whether my life will ever really feel worth living. I don't know if anyone out there has any advice on how to rebuild their lives after somethig as devastating as the breakdown of their marriage because their husband was more interested in porn and sexy chat than he was in his real life wife and her needs?
View related questions:
addicted to porn, depressed, divorce, drugs, my ex, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, noonespecial2  +, writes (11 July 2009):
Hi again,
There is a website called heart to heart. It is a website that supports partners of sex addicts. I have cut and copied a reading that I thought may be of assistance to you.
EXERCISE # 24 THE CON
Many partners have communicated to me that they have felt "conned." This partner is not who they thought he was and this is definitely not what they signed up for. This feeling is legitimate, and most partners have been conned by the sex addict. Let's face it. If he were to say, "I'm a sex addict," you wouldn't have given him the time of day.
The normal sex addict con goes like this: You meet. He tells you that you're the world's best lover, friend, and that you are beautiful. This can go on for weeks or months. Once he knows your self-esteem has shifted to depend on his praise, he has you. This shift can happen before or after marriage. After the shift occurs, all of a sudden he now says that you can't do anything right-especially sexually, and now you're not so smart either. He continues to actively chisel away at your self-esteem. This, combined with the isolation he encouraged from friends and family, leaves you to a large degree dependent on him. If he can make you financially dependent as well, that works out even better for him. Then he believes you can't leave him.
This pattern is familiar to many sex addictive relationships. If you have experienced this, your pain is probably great. He did all this to you so he could stay in control in the relationship and act out. You can be rightfully angry. If you feel you have been conned, write out a letter or a list of how you have been conned by your addict and share it with a recovery person or group.
A
female
reader, noonespecial2 +, writes (10 July 2009):
Hi there,Congradulations on your decision to divorce, I actually think you are a lot stronger than you make out. This could have gone on for many more years. I would like to offer some suggestions that helped me with a similar situation. Firstly, your depression is based on a few things. It could be attributed to giving up too much of yourself and your life for your husband and now that you are not together you have an empty life. Being the partner of a sex addict has enormous affects on your self esteem. I imagine you may have done all you could to get him to stop, pleaded, begged but he didn't, this can become a bit like an addiction for you. It's as though your good feelings about yourself are dependent on him stopping. The efforts in trying to get him to stop and see the how he has damaged you would have been time consuming and would have filled a lot of your time up whereas now you don't have that to do anymore. Lastly, sex addiction profoundly affects your self esteem and confidence as a woman and a sexual being, this is what happens to all partners that experience what you have and that's because a Man who has a sex addiction is abusing his wife sexually. You, in yourself may not have low self esteem but being in this sort of relationship errodes it. I would assume that your self esteem is low temporarily and have a hunch that low self esteem is not a normal thing for you because you had the courage to go through with the divorce. With sex addiction there is lot a lies, neglect and is a very serious betrayal. He has majorly broken your trust. There are websites with chat rooms and support groups you can attend that cater for partners of sex addicts. Women who are experiencing a similar situation is invaluable for you at the moment. I believe there is one called sex and love addicts anonymous. I strongly recommend you contact this group. The people there are very supportive and will know how you feel and what you have been through. It will feel like they have lived your life. I would also use the telephone counselling lines in your area as much as you can, talk talk talk and as another response said, use this site as much as you can. Journalling your feelings and writting angry letters are good too.There is also a great website called www.relax7.com, this is a site where you can do some therapy in the privacy of your own home to assist you build your self esteem.With depression, it is important to remember how depression is an insidious condition where your thoughts become distorted, it feels as if you have always been depressed and will always be depressed. Trickery of the mind. Of course this is not true and it is only the depression that is making you think this way. YOU WILL get over this and be freed from your depression and this you have to believe, otherwise your depression has tricked you. Also with depression, your motivation is majorly low and for some reason people wait for the motivation to come to them, it is vital that you take some action and it is this action that slowly builds your motivation back up. By action, I mean, take a drive to the shops, take a 5 minute walk, do one house chore, like a load of washing, have a rest then do another 5 minute activity. You may find that you end up doing 15 minutes of activites when you planned to do only 5 minutes and that is because the action is building your motivation. The most important thing is that you realise that your husband has a disease and this disease has nothing to do with you, whether you were a good wife, whether you are sexy or whether he loves you. He has an addiction that he can't control just like an alcoholic. Behind it is low self esteem for him, not being able to deal with the pressures of life and this addiction numbs the pain and hatred that he has toward himself and his inability to stop. There are many childhood issues underlying this and although knowing this won't make your pain go away or justify his dispicable behaviour, it will make you see that it is all about him and has nothing to do with you and no matter who he married, he would have done this to them. Do a search on sex addiction if you have not done already.There is also a book called "feeling good" by Dr David Burn. He believes in treating depression without medication. I found this to be a wonderful support. The pain you are in, will drive you to find yourself if you let it and will build a better life for you. It has to happen one day at a time, or even getting through one moment at a time. It will lift and this you have to believe not because you need to be positive but because it is the truth. With every down period in your life there is an up period. As deep as your down period is will be matched by the same degree of up period which is coming to you soon. If you need to isolate at the moment do so in a supportive way, use the chat lines, telephone counselling lines, friends, family and jornalling, then when you feel up to it, attend support groups, personal development groups and some social activities. Read up on grief and domestic violence (emotional abuse) understanding your situation will lead you to understand that it is personal, that it is all about your husband which will result in lifting your self esteem and giving you a sense of power. You will soon learn that situations such as this has this affect on people no matter who they are. You are not to blame, you are not the cause, he is and you need to fix the damage he has caused you. I'm not sure that labelling yourself as mentally ill is helpful, a label such as this makes the problem you. I think it's more like depression, trauma and grief which are all effects of ending a marriage with a Man such as your husband. When you sit with your feelings, reach out to people and pour out your heart. This is the place you need to start so that you can begin to feel better. There is only one place to go from there, and that is up. Feelings are just feelings, they are not you. If you practice allowing the pain to just be without resiting, it will make your pain fage quicker. Just allow it to be. I would suggest that you tell the counsellor that you attempted suicide, this may get you in quicker. Although you may not be in that place now, it doesn't hurt to tell them so that they can fit you in sooner. Remember when you awake in the mornings, it is just feelings and they will pass, like contractions when giving birth. The point of going on with your life is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to accept what life has presented you. The more painful something is, the greater the gift is in the end. I also think your husband has done enough damage to you. It's up to you if you wish to take medication, I believe it can help you get through the worst stages. If you decide not to, then make sure you are receiving regular counselling and support from as many places as you can.The behaviour your husband displayed was what made you feel so worthless and that is a reflection of himself. Noone is worthless it's just that some people feel worthless and it's just not accurate. In regards to the fines outstanding with your car, you could give your local domestic violence centre a call, they have legal connections that can help. What your husband did to you is domestic violence, it was sexual, emotional and financial abuse and it certainly falls under the banner of domestic violence.I found that when I stopped all contact with my ex, I was able to move on quicker. Each time your husband doesn't respond, he is hurting you again and you go through another rejection and all the pain again. Try to deal with it through other avenues.From my understanding, your husband loved you as much as a sex addict can. They don't really know how to love in a healthy way and love you the only way they know how. His lack of response to your attempts of communication with him could indicate that he is trying to avoid his guilt.I think your're a bit hard on yourself by thinking you were stupid. I know that this is how you feel, yet the truth is that your trust in him to do the right thing is a wonderful trait, he is the one that has acted stupid. If you flow with life and work through this one moment at a time, you will have a life that is better than you have ever had before. By you divorcing him, you are stating that you deserve more and if you believe this, guess what? you will get it. Rebuilding your life is a slow process. You need to go through the grief first and when you have healed from this, you will be well on your way to rebuilding your life. It starts with reaching out, being real, feeling your hurt, feeling your pain, feeling justified to have your pain yet knowing that feelings don't last forever and that you will get through this and will one day be laughing in your new life and thinking back on this time realising you are through it. Don't try to rush the rebuilding of your life, it will happen when it's meant to. So, you may be miserable for a month, but after that month you will be a bit better until eventually you are through it. Pain and feelings can't kill you, not if you just let them be, they will not last as long if you stop fighting them, cry until you have no more tears. I wish you all the best. My heart is with you even though I don't know you, yet I know the pain and I know that if you accept that this has been presented to you in your life as a blessing in disguise you will one day realise that this experience made you and your life better in the end. Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, batfink +, writes (7 July 2009):
batfink is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for your answers. It is so nice to know that here are supportive people out there and those who have gone through depression as well. I've booked an appt with my docs next week to talk about alternative treatment and am starting therapy next week.
My divorce goes through in two weeks. Whenever something significant like this happens i.e. the initial application, his refusal to sign and the nisi, i feel like shit. I have booked the week it goes through to go away with my mate and her kids for a seaside holiday. Hopefully it will get me though that bleak period.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2009): you will survive this. it will take you a long time but very slowly you will continue. you may feel empty but know this YOU ARE ALIVE. count the very small blessings you have, it may be insignificant but they are blessings never the less. Monica has given you some valuable suggestions. please try to use this going forward. right now i know things look bleak but trust me, your day of sun shining will come again. if you really do feel depressed, try also keepping in contact through this site. there are many people here that are good and they will try their utmost to uplife your spirit and they have words of encouragement and wisdom. you can also try responding and helping others out who have similar problems. take care and a big hug from me to you. smile, through those tears. one day those tears will be tears of happiness and not sadness. be good at loving yourself. start small. tell yourself you are a good person. do a good deed for someone. slowly start loving yourself. with that being a start, the other changes will also follow.
...............................
A
female
reader, MonicaC  +, writes (5 July 2009):
 My heart truly goes out to you. While I have not been in your exact same situation, I have had to battle depression before. In fact, I was hospitalised for it back about three years ago, so I understand how bleak things might feel for you right now. First off, let me say that I'm not a doctor, and whatever advice I give you comes from my own experience and from what I feel in my heart. Having said that, let me tell you that depression is a tough enemy, but you can get past it.Don't necessarily stop trying to find the right anti-depressant. Just because Prozac didn't work for you (it didn't work for me either), doesn't mean there isn't a similar drug that might help you tons. It is very common for the docs to try more than one drug to determine which works best for your biochemistry. It took me several tries, but I did find the right one. But, you need to trust the doctor and be honest with him/her about what works and what doesn't. That's a good first step.Next up, don't try to do this alone. I assure you that I have done that, and it didn't help me. You really would benefit (at least I did) from talking to other people with similar problems. If group therapy is a possibility, I would highly recommend that. When I was in hospital, I participated in such therapy, and it helped me a lot.You might consider also reading about depression and working through some of your issues by getting a hold of some good depression handbooks with sections designed for you to answer. This can help you put your feelings on paper and see what areas need work.I assure you that you can get through this, but you must try to stop thinking about your ex. I realize that is easier said than done. But, you will never get past this if you don't let that stuff go. I know you still have to deal with him on some level because of the financial matters you mentioned, but try to keep those to a minimum.I don't know you, but from your writing, I can tell that you are a good and loving person who got dealt a bad hand at the cards. Don't kick yourself for that. You didn't do anything to deserve it. What you deserve is a happy life and a sense of peace. Work on giving yourself what you need, and forget about the ex.
...............................
|
