A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How does a person move on from a past heartbreaking relationship? About five months ago the man I was involved with chose to abandon me after I went through what I consider to be the most heartbreaking excruciating time in my life, of which he was very instrumental in creating this problem for me. I'm coming to terms with the fact that even though he stuck with me through the actual ordeal and claimed he cared about me greatly his abandoned says otherwise and he doesn't care for me like I thought and hoped. At this point I'm in a stage of immense anger and wish nothing but the worst for him and I hope that he experiences the same pain and the feeling of anguish and abandonment I have felt for five months. Which is not a part of my personality, and I hate that he's brought this anger out in me and the feeling that I want someone else to suffer. But at the same time he had no problem making me feel bad. All this being said, I feel he's taking one more thing from me by making me a biter angry person, that is not my usual self. What I want to know is, is this just the process of grieving and is it okay to feel this way at this point and in time will it pass or by hating him and wishing him ill will, does this make me a horrible person?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 September 2011):
 Ah, it's just a stage of getting over him. Do not worry. It's a necessary stage too, because it prevents you from making the same mistakes twice. It highlights his negative sides so you do not wish to be with him again (as going back to an ex is generally a bad idea) and you also become more focused on traits to avoid in future relationships (you're able to identify what you do not want).
You aren't an angry person by nature because of this. But you're angry now, in this situation. Haven't you ever heard of women or men who hate the opposite sex because of a break-up, swear they'll turn gay or live forever in solitude from now on? It happens, all the time. And then you get over it.
You'll get over it once you realize that he is not a factor in your life, you are not dependent on him, and you can remove him from your life altogether and live exactly as you want to live, without ever needing to think of him ever again. He doesn't matter. Once you see that he doesn't matter, you are over it. He does not define who you are or how you can live and what you can do. You can carry on FINE without him in your life.
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (16 September 2011):
 Hi,
I know exactly how you feel. Just ended a 10 years relationship. I'm still in contact, mostly fighting, arguing. No chances of reconciliation, I just want to make him feel miresable.
I am a nice, calm, reasonable, stay away from drama, never hate, bitter, use profanity, pretty much normal person. But, the past year I became this person I never knew. I found out things about myself that I never imagine existed inside of me. I didn't know I had the ability to hate someone as much as I do. I used to think some people are crazy? No! Now I understand them... :) it's so outrageous I have to smile.
It's been only 5 mos, so you have the right to feel this way. Allow yourself to feel everything that is inside of you without feeling any guilt. You are not a bad person.
Some steps you need to take:
1) no contact at all ( I have to do that)
2) get rid of everything that reminds of him (letters, cards, personal belongings, pictures, email, phone#, everything)
3) grieve as much as you need, as long as you need. During that time don't pressure yourself, or feel guilt fo feeling this way. (cry, scream, go for a drive, whatever that you can release the anger & pain)
4) do things for yourself now. Things that make you happy. ( get a hair it, buy clothes, new make up, go out w/friends, make new friends, new hobbies, spend time w/family, etc)
5) most important thing is to be healthy. I know you can't eat, feel depress, anger, cant sleep, rest, etc. That damages your health tremendously. So, start eating well, get plenty of rest
6) clean up your room. Re-decorate, move furniture around, vacuum, clean windows, etc. For some reason, cleaning, making my room new made me feel better
This is so paintfull, it's so difficult to let go of someone you live so much. He was part of your daily life. Your best friend. Your life, suddenly, everything change, and it's just so overwhelming, you don't know where to start. It's love, but also the attachment, the routine, calling him, having him there, etc.
Whatever reason you ended your relationship, I guess it was just not meant to be. Accept, and move on. After you had enough tinsel grieve, never look back, think of him anymore. It's only up to you how fast you want this process to be. Only you can control uour mind, and your life. It's up to you to decide how you want to live your life. When you are sad, hurt, just know he's out there living his life, happy, while you are alone suffering. Be strong, positive, and just know this will pass. Take this opportunity to do all the things you wanted to do, but couldn't because you were in a relationship.
Hope you feel better soon. Let's do it together'
Good luck
Hope you feel better soon.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (16 September 2011):
 First, let me say I am sorry to hear you are feeling so betrayed and angrily upset over ryour recent ordeal.
Your former boyfriend evidently did support you at the time, but apparently soon after the crisis, broke up with you in a very nasty, hurtful and manner. It is certainly understandable that you now feel bitter and angry toward him that and you wish him ill. You feel very disappointed and let down by this man. Again, it is very natural to resent his treatment of you, including the fact that you feel he has turned you into a horrible person.
The truth is, we all of us have a "shadow side". The potential for hatred and a measure of evil intent, lurks within us, as well as the deep knowledge that we can be better than that: that we can be forgiving, and kind and treat ourselves with love and respect so that our interactions with others result in (not always agreement with what they do) but by being open, friendly, and other good qualities we may encourage them to treat themselves, and those around them well.
You know the teaching about treating others the way you would want them to treat you?
Well, that teaching applies to YOU. You need to try not to condemn yourself; not to beat up yourself; to be willing to forgive you for harboring thoughts and feelings of hate and ill-will for your former friend. You have, I think, taken the first step by facing up to the fact that you are nursing a desire for revenge. Next is the hope to be released from it. Unless you can do this, it will eventually diminish and harm you as a person.
I know whereof I speak. When I was quite young my birth mother suddenly left my father and myself for a married man. The result? I HATED her, and wanted absolutely nothing to do with her - on the rare occasions when I (unwillingly) saw her she begged, pleaded and criticized me to "please be friends with me, for my sake." I stubbornly refused, and found it very easy to not trust anyone outside my father, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, and close friends. Anger was the emotion I was most comfortable with, and would lash out at anyone who hurt me. It literally took years of therapy, and spiritual direction before I was able to finally heal from all that negativity, and to be able to forgive her, when I got married. The upshot was that I sent a registered letter to the last-known address I had, but it was returned as "unknown." Years later I learned that she had died some good few years previously after writing to her. All I could do then was to pray about it and for her.
I tell you this personal history so that you can see what a stubborn refusal to forgive, and harboring strong hatred can do. But there can also be healing.
I hope this helps. I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (16 September 2011):
 No, you're not a horrible person. And yes, what you're feeling is quite natural in the grieving process. There is the devastating sense of loss that you have been through, then along comes the anger; right where you are now. You will get past these horrible emotions, and they don't define who you really are as a person. So give yourself the time, and you will eventually get to a place where you will experience acceptance, and be able to move on. Hopefully you'll even be able to forgive him, so that your future relationships won't be affected by this experience. All the best. xxx
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A
female
reader, cheers  +, writes (16 September 2011):
 Cool down first! Put all hatred and misery behind.It's all past now.pls don't cling on it,as you won't be able to move forward. You won't feel happiness and not good for health. The more important now is how to get out frm this. Can you do that? Believe in yourself! You Can DO it
I encounteer same problem when i broke up with ex bf. I cried for 3days continuously.Finally i made up my mind. why i'm doing this? Why should i cry for him who didn't even care for me? i face the problem and manage to get out by putting it as past horibble experience in my life.Close it &end it there! Now I find my true happiness and happily married
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