A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:so basically i left a really bad violent marriage 15 years ago (the violence was only towards me) and i’ve been trying to make it up to my 2 daughters ever since, my girls are now aged 19 and 21 and ever since walking out the door from my ex husband, i have tried to make them have nice happy loving childhoods but indirectly and not deliberately i became a helicopter mum and i literally did everything for them, now they are adults sadly they’ve grown in to entitled adults who aren’t very nice people most of the time, sadly unless people are doing things for them, they go through so many jobs, relationships and friendships and some how it’s always my fault and i get grief over their bad decisions, i was hoping the eldest was going to move out next year but she just lost yet another job so i don’t see that happening. i am so mentally and physically tired and i just want a happy life where for 1 week i’m not sorting out some existential crisis and then get called a Cxxt for it a few days later, or told how disgusting i am and how much i’m hated, i’ve tried not getting involved and it makes life 100 times worst, how do you make adult children be nice and respect you and most importantly take responsibility for themselves , kicking them out during a pandemic isn’t an option and their dad has now passed away, i’m kind of lost and feeling like i want to run away or end my life as i am so unhappy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2020): Run away.Somewhere warm sandy and sunny.Best thing you could do for them to make them stand on their two feet and act like adults.My so and I did that and now the kids are doing great on their own and I am proud.I also love not having winter coldness anymore.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (26 September 2020):
 I'll be honest, it sounds like you have let the situation get way out of control. Your guilt overran the need to be a parent and your daughter has run over you again and again. I have 2 children and my daughter was a very smart very sassy mouthed teenager but I would have NEVER let her talk to me the way your daughter talked to you. My daughter knew better. My children were taught to respect their parents. They may not have always liked what we told them to do but they were brought up with morals and taught to know right from wrong and talking trash to us was just something that would not have been tolerated.
So its late but you've got to step up the game, mom and NOW. It is your home..your rules. If they don't like it, then they are OUT. You are going to have to put your foot down and be firm and stick to it. They will either have to tow the line and respect you or they are out. Pandemic or not...there is no freaking reason why your daughter should be allowed to call you a c*nt! If I had ever called my mom that, I know without a doubt I would have been slapped across the face. If my daughter had called me that she would have been grounded.
Its called tough love and its time you started dishing it out. They are both of age and you are no longer responsible for them and their actions. If they screw up, then its on them. You can be their to guide them, help them if you see fit but you are not their whipping boy. DEMAND respect.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 September 2020):
 Sit them down and tell them, enough. Tell them that you understand they saw and heard stuff that they shouldn't have, violence and abuse. That it took you a LOT to leave your husband to KEEP them and yourself safe. That you feel they have a lot of anger and resentment and perhaps them seeking some counseling could help. Because they ARE behaving in an abusive manner.
STOP doing SHIT for them, nothing, NADA, no matter how tempting. No giving them money, no doing their laundry or picking up after them. As SOON as the quarantine lifts give them 1 or 2 months to get out.
It might incentivize them to MOVE out on their own.
Also if ANY of them call you a "c##t" to your face, tell them that's enough, if you can't have an adult and respectful conversation then I am not talking to you" and just WALK away.
You CAN NOT change them, but you can hold up a "mirror" to their behavior. And you CAN change how YOU handle it.
You did the best you could. It's now ALL on them to become the people they are going to be. While you HOPE they become responsible, nice and respectful... It's really not UP to you.
What IS up to you, is to SET boundaries that YOU can live with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2020): The thing about being a victim (for the lack of a better word) in a relationship is that you accept certain behaviors, but it doesn't happen only in romantic relationships.What you're going through is typical. i don't mean to say that your suffering is less important just because is not uncommon, no. It CAN be dealt with. You have created your bullies in the forms of your children. It happens. people who were mistreated as children (ranging from slight to serious abuse) and or come from homes where one parent (or both) were addicts, tend to repeat the patterns. feelings of guilt are typical for these people and they need to learn not to feel guilty for everything and anything. You spoiled your kids out of guilt for leaving an abusive marriage? This reasoning is NOT healthy. But even without that, trust me, you would have spoiled your children because this pattern is so deeply imprinted in your behavior. You need therapy. If you can afford it. It would help you a lot heal and change things that can be changed. My aunt came from a home where her father was an alcoholic and her mother had to put up with everything. She left home as soon as she could. But, her "home" didn't leave her. She had a kid with a guy who was not a good guy. She left him when he hit her, but truth be told, he was living a parallel life outside of her marriage. "For the sake of her daughter" (and that is a big lie, she did it because she didn't know better!) she let him use one part of her house as his office, and he paid NOTHING not even what he consumed (electricity, for one). Now, is this healthy? Hell no. But she wanted to make nice, even when he didn't pay child support. Btw he was a famous guy, so there was that too. She wanted her daughter to have the benefit of having a famous father. Little good it had done for her.She raised her daughter into a narcissistic monster that no man would want adn that family tolerates. She had to give her money and pay her rent FOR YEARS so that daughter would move out of the house. Her daughter was exhausting her mentally, emotionally and financially. She would use her to vent for hours on end, dumping all the bad stuff and drama on her, every job she was passed over, every guy that ever ignored her... She would at the same time belittle her AND adore her mother. They had a super-unhealthy CODEPENDANT relationship.Once when my aunt couldn't take it anymore she "let it slip" in front of us and her daughter that she was paying her daughter's bills. Do you know what the daughter did? She waited until she thought nobody was looking and grabbed my aunt by the throat hissing in hear ear (I could hear that!!!): "Why are you telling to others that you are giving me money? Don't you EVER do that!". Btw, my aunt had been for years complaining about her daughter behind her back. Just like you're doing here. And her daughter still doesn't know about it. She says that she and her mom had had an ideal relationship. What a load of BS.My mother told me when we were in our teens that her sisters IS AFRAID of her own daughter. And right she was.My aunt was an honest and kind person, but when her daughter wanted something, my aunt would do anything to make that happen and that includes being unfair to other people. When she was dying, she begged me not to tell her daughter so that she could have some peace. Her friends and I would help her with anything she needed. It was so SO sad...She could have changed that. And so can you. Stop enabling them. Set firm rules and stick to them. If they do not like it, they can move out. But it's hard. I know. That is why you need therapy. You want just change overnight. It's a process and you need a good guide and support. You need to build a life outside of the codependant relationships you have created with them. Real interests. You need to go on vacations without them. Spend as much time as you can outside of home. Stop cooking and cleaning after them. let them to their own devices. Your daughters are what you made them to be. The cousin I mentioned is about to have a kid and she will make an enabler out of him or her, because that is what she needs. She has no partner, her mom is dead and she wants someone to be there for her and love her. She hadn't had therapy or any other form of "awakening", so she is bound to make the same mistake her grandparents made with her mother. This may sound as oversimplifying and it is, but the core is correct. Fortunately you have a choice. You Know that you have made a mistake, but people make mistakes. Everybody does. Forgive yourself, find help and just stick to it. They may continue to be spoiled until life teaches them some hard lessons, but at least they will have to change their behavior with you.
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