A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relationship with a guy for just over a year. We had some minor bumps in the road - mostly him not understanding my love language but he always tried to understand me and we could talk anything out. He was always very patient and gentle with me and out of all of my relationships, I always felt the most as ease with him like I never had to be anyone else.On Saturday night, he was over at my house playing with my new puppy and told me his sister was in town for her birthday. He was meeting up with her later than night at a brewery for "one, maybe two drinks". I know if at least 2 of her girlfriends would also be there. I didn't think anything of it, he's never once given me a reason to not trust him. On many occasions he has gone out with friends without me and the only thing I ever say is to have fun and text me that he's home safe.Around 930pm, he texted me that his sister was headed to another bar and he was going home. He texted again 20 min later and told me he was trying to find a spot at his apartment complex. I called to say goodnight and he answered the phone but I could hear other people in the background. I asked where he was and he gave me this long story about how he was walking back to his apartment and passed the pool and there were people having a party. It's getting chilly where we live and I know the pool closes at 9pm on the weekends. I thought it was odd but didn't question him further. I FaceTimed him about 30 minutes later to show him my puppy sleeping in a silly position and he never answered. He texted and said he was on the phone with his friend. At this point I started getting that gut feeling it wasn't right. I told him that and said "are you even actually home?" to which he replied "nothing weird is going on, I told you I am home." I gave it some time and called again - he answered this time but I could tell it was echoing which doesn't happen in his apartment. I told him I could tell he wasn't home and he kept swearing he was. I FaceTimed him again and told him to answer. Sure enough, he was in the bathroom at a bar. He told me he didn't want me to be upset that he was staying out later and spending money - neither one of these has EVER been an issue to me or in our relationship. I've never asked how much his tab was or got upset with him for staying out later than planned. It was also his sister's birthday so why would I care?I am pretty devastated to say the least. I have no idea how many other times this has happened (he swears none) or the real reason why he lied so many times. I asked if it was because he's interested in one of her friends or if he met someone out - he kept denying it. Trust is incredibly important to me, I've never lied to him. I told him I needed to take a break and he started crying and apologizing and saying he was so sorry. I ended up telling my parents and sister about this and they told me there's no reason to forgive him and if someone truly cared about me, wouldn't be so deceptive.I know this was long and I apologize - I just can't tell if breaking up over one lie is too much or if having trust problems is going to cause bigger fights down the road. I am so shocked and sad because up until this point, I thought our relationship was solid. Any advice would help - my heart hurts.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 September 2020):
 Well, I don't blame you for not trusting him.
THAT is the thing with trust it JUST takes one dumb lie to make trusting someone harder. That is logical.
But I have to ask is this normal for the to if you? To do all this texting and Facetiming when apart? I mean it seems excessive to me to want to Facetime because you puppy was sleeping cute, just snap a pic and text it or show him the next day. Of course that IS besides the point.
If you aren't looking to break up with him, I think you need to have a conversation about lies. Everyone lies every now and then, because it makes (in general) life a little "easier". Especially if it is a "white lie".
If this was ALL so innocent why the need to LIE to you?
And why did he FLIP it on you?
"He told me he didn't want me to be upset that he was staying out later and spending money - neither one of these has EVER been an issue to me or in our relationship."
He made the LIE about you. Instead of saying it was a dumbass move to lie. I am not sure why I lied - or GIVE you the actual reason - whatever that is. This wasn't about you. IF you have NEVER questioned how long he is out with friends or how much money he spends on bar hopping, it makes ABSOLUTELY ZERO sense to make this about you. And I would SO call him on this. I would have this conversation IN person. Best wat to gauge if he is being honest or not.
Also, WHY weren't you invited to celebrate his sister's birthday? You have been dating for over a year and it's wasn't something formal, it was a "let's have a drink or two". That to me seems odd.
Last thing I want to mention, "taking a break" will fix nothing, OP. SHIT or get off the pot. Either you BREAK up over this, OR you say Honeybunches we NEED to have a talk about lying and trust. Having an ON/OFF relationship is a waste of time. If either of you run off every time things get tough or dumb, how are you EVER going to make it work when REAL shit hits the fan?
He didn't just lie about ONE thing. I wanted to add that too. He lied about going home. Then he lied about some "pool party" and later about being on the phone with a friend. 3 LIES to cover for the first one. IF it was ALL so innocent... none of these lies were necessary.
Wondering how many other times he has lied, it kind of pointless. He probably has. But I don't think about anything "big". Because he doesn't seem very good at it. After all you sussed him out pretty fast.....
Would I personally break up with my partner over this? I don't know. I don't think I would. I'd be pissed and I'd want to make sure he understands that HE broke my trust in him and that LYING is not a good choice. Especially if nothing happened that he can't tell you about.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2020): First off, you are dating someone for a YEAR and you are not invited to have a drink for your bf's sister's birthday?! WHY???? It's just a drink in a bar not a bat mitzvah, or a christening or a granddad's funeral?!How come that it wasn't weird for you that you weren't invited? It should have been? I would have invited myself, because I would have wanted to be a part of the celebration that entails a casual drink in a bar and because I would want to make sure that next time I get an invitation. i would invite my bf to my sister's drink in a bar b-day celebration... that's what people do.What bugs me is not the fact that he's interested in another girl, he may be or he may be not, but one thing's for sure - he LIED about such a trivial thing such as staying out late.When I read your post I didn't realize that you were in your thirties. Honestly, you sound like you are in your twenties. This makes this whole situation even more weird. You are both too old to be acting like kids. People make mistakes. Maybe your bf perceives you in a way that prevents him from freely saying things to you, so he lies. maybe he is a liar and a cheater Who can tell? We can't and neither can your family.So for me, the big shocker is not that he lied, but that it was ok for everyone involved that you were not invited to go to have a drink in a bar...
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