A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a male friend of a couple of years. About a year ago he told me he likes me as more than a friend and had done for a year. I liked him too so we started dating. He kept telling me how he sees a future with me and how much he likes me etc. Everything was going well but then he started to have doubts after we had sex. He had recently got out of a relationship and realised he was still in love with his ex after promising me he wasn’t. I ended things with him as I realised I was a rebound and he wasn’t emotionally available. We were fine for a while after that. But then I found out he was spreading lies about me to our friends. I confronted him and he said the reason why he wasn’t feeling it with me was because I was jealous and other things etc. I have never in my life been a jealous person. He was basically trying to make out there was a lot wrong with me and the breakup was all my fault. He was saying this to all our friends when I never discussed the breakup to anyone out of respect for him. He was accusing me of things that he was actually doing to me. I feel like he felt guilty so tried to make out everything was my fault to alleviate his guilt. We didn’t speak for a while due to lockdown. We do however see each other weekly now as we have mutual friends and we all see each other as a group once a week and do an activity/dinner and drinks etc. The problem I’m having is I’m really struggling letting go of the anger at how he treated me. I’m always nice to him when I see him although there is still some slight awkwardness. However when I go home after seeing him I just feel angry. I’m not angry at the fact he didn’t want me as I have and am currently seeing someone else that he doesn’t know about who I really like. Plus I ended things with him as I am not one to waste my time. And would never date him again in a million years.I’m angry at the fact that he was suppose to be my friend and he still did that to me. He used me as a rebound/spread lies about me/blamed me for everything etc. I feel really pathetic still feeling angry about this after a year - but I can’t help how I feel. I never thought any friend let alone him would do this to me. I should also add that I have been there for him a lot during the years when his parent died - more than anyone. Yet it means nothing as he still treated me like crap. I’ve never even received an apology from him. I know I can’t control how other people behave and I can’t force him to see what he did hurt me. He treated me poorly and I feel like I’m going against my values in keeping him in my life. But as we have mutual friends it’s not possible for me to cut him out my life. And I’m not going to treat him poorly because he did me - that also goes against my values. He is a very insecure guy and I know he only blamed me for everything because he didn’t want friends to think badly of him - but then why say anything at all. I didn’t deserve any of that and thought it was a good breakup.I’ve learnt my lesson in not dating a guy straight out of a relationship and have taken lessons from it.But I don’t know how to get rid of this anger? It’s been a year and I still feel the same and silly for feeling like this. Has anyone got any ideas of how to let go of anger? I did consider a conversation with him but then I realised that would be pointless as he clearly doesn’t care and would just make me look like a prat. But I’m getting more angry week after week. Thank you everyone
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2020): I had the same thing with an abusive ex. Because I dared to leave him after five years together he has said some bad things about me to our acquaintances and friends of which we had many because we used to go dancing and we knew a lot of people. I stopped going to the places we went together so he had plenty of opportunity to get into the heads of people who were both our friends. He was quite ill and getting physically worse, but I would have stayed with him if he hadn't been threatening and bullying towards me, and would have gladly looked after him, but I think he's told everyone that I left him because he's not well. Women who were my friends now walk past me in other dance venues, (or used to before covid) nose in the air, ignoring me completely and making it plain that they want nothing to do with me. If they knew the truth, they would support me I'm sure, but I don't operate like he does and I have to just let him get on with his vendetta. I am a nice, fair, happy and friendly person, so this kind of treatment from others I thought would really hurt me a lot. But I realised quickly and firmly that I cannot control this situation and that he has already taken a large chunk out of my life and made me very unhappy, often, and that I won't allow him to make me unhappy anymore. I have plenty of other friends at dancing and others who also understood what I went through with him and who have seen his violent and nasty behaviour on occasion, so I'm not totally alone with this. I have to just accept that the people he has managed to influence is something I can't change. It's easier for me probably because I don't see him anymore. I take myself to other places. I also believe in karma and hope that some day, these people will know the truth somehow. I have told some people who knew us both how he treated me during our relationship, so maybe that's helped. Confide in a couple of your closest friends perhaps about what he's done. It may filter through. People like to gossip as you have found out.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 September 2020):
 I have to say, some times we make mistakes and make bad choices.
YOUR mistake was to DATE someone fresh out of a relationship and who is incapable of taking ANY responsibility for his own actions.
He KNEW he didn't REALLY want to date you, but he DID want someone to "help" him get over the ex. That is why he was all sweet talking to GET you in bed and THEN AFTER the sex... he no longer wanted to date. That was NOT a coinkidink...
The fact that YOU can not read minds, and that you trusted him as a friend meant he could pull a fast one on you. And then AFTER the fact when it came to light that he was a bit of a dick... He started to talk smack about you behind your back. What a loser.
You getting angry, is like YOU taking poison hoping HE will die. It's not going to happen. All it REALLY means that it is EASIER for YOU to be mad at him, instead of being MAD at yourself for dating this loser. Being mad at yourself is also pointless, UNLESS you can accept that you F'd up in dating this guy and to NOT make the same mistake twice.
Don't give him so much power over you and your feelings. He isn't worth it.
If I were you I would probably sit out a few group events and get some distance from him. I certainly would NOT be friendly to him at all. I would be cold but cordial to a point where he knows it's out of PITY. Where HE is going to be uncomfortable but the rest of the friends group won't notice too much. If anyone notices and ask you, I'd straight up tell them what went on. He ought to be shamed a little...
You have a new man in your life. FOCUS on him and yourself and the future you want. Don't waste your energy on this twat.
Chin up! You dodged a bullet.
Also... I would STOP calling him a friend. He is a F-wit, not a friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2020): We all make mistakes. You only knew him probably as an acquaintance. Even if he had been a really close friend, you couldn't have predicted how he would act as a bf.You thought you knew him and that he was an ok guy, it turns out he wasn't. You made a mistake. So there you go. You need to forgive yourself and move on. The thing about people who go around talking sh*t behind other people's back is that it says a tone about them and nit about people they are talking about. And everybody knows that. Your friends know you and I'm sure that they do not take fro granted what he says. You can't get rid of the anger because you are really angry at yourself for "being so stupid" or whatever. But you are not perfect and you made a mistake. It happens. That's a good starting point for letting go of the anger.Remind yourself from time to time that you are just human and humans make mistakes.I dated a guy who turned out to be seriously mentally ill. It lasted for only 3 months but he made out of it such a big deal. We had a clean break-up, I told him in a nice way that we were done and that I wanted him out of my life. I know how it sounds but I made it sound better. He kept bugging my best friend for YEARS at least once a year. I have no idea how he got a hold of her phone number. But he would call her as if she were HIS friend. He didn't necessarily talk about me. They work in the same business. That's the only reason she never told him to leave her alone. She was afraid he would go behind her back and spread lies. That's how unstable he was. He even went to my ex-bf from high-school to talk to him about me. I was so ashamed. How could have I been with such a lunatic?! What does it say about me?!!! Was I that desperate? Is he someone I deserve?! etc. All the ego-trip questions. The fact of the matter is, he's an interesting, attractive guy who happens to be seriously mentally ill. The latter is not something that you can see immediately. So when I did, I left. I'm human, I have no superpowers, I don't know what people are really like and what the future holds. I made a mistake. You need to let go of your ego and forgive yourself. It's a process. But you'll get there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2020): Well, you are just the recipient of narcissistic behaviour from a partner.This kind of person will take every inch of kindness and niceness that you have and throw it back in your face.The anger is generated within you as you don't intend to pass it round your friends.You can convert anger into creativity if you concentrate on making a rug for the home less or some other kind guesture.I know that burning anger but it does leave you if you try meditation etc.It is making it difficult for you to stay in neutral when necessary.I would probably tell one of your mutual friends that he treated you badly but it sounds to me as if you have some intrinsic protection mechanism that prevents you from showing how he has unsettled you.Believe me, this is the thing that kills narcissistic pride because they like to think they can control your emotions.Check out youtube Meredith Miller for a good starting point to recover your equilibrium so that he feels increasingly disempowered.And miss an occasional night with those friends because in his narcissistic head he probably believes you are still living for him!
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