A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:How do I leave my stepchild, who is just 5 years old and adores me? I just can't take any more. My relationship and life are terrible. Partner isn't violent or drunk or anything, it's just all the controlling and weirdness. His brother hates me. Partner works with his brother - they co-own a farm. Nothing will change there. I am banned from the farm by brother - so I hardly ever see my Partner. Have just been sticking things out for the child. Child doesn't have a great set up at his Mum's house - has known me all his life. Brother got jealous of us being a happy family basically. There is no talking to him - he is single, never had a girl-friend, 60 years old, virtually reclusive and hates women. Controls everything - Partner is passive about it all and keeps brother happy by doing whatever brother tells him - which includes - keeping me away from the farm! It has affected my health and finances to the point I cannot stay any longer. Child is a bit older now - but - how on earth do I leave him? How? and what do I say? Do I try and stay in contact (think this is unlikely to happen) - do I say - I will explain one day? Basically he will grow up thinking I have deserted him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013): Thank you for your replies and apologies for not getting back to read them sooner, due to ill health.
Thank you Faded Lights, for your courteous response. I suppose I was looking for advice on how to talk to or explain things to a five year-old. I was surprised to see such aggressive responses to my question. It is true that legally I have no rights to contact, at present, although I am considered to have had a parental role for the past three and a half years under English law.
Yes I did stay in the relationship after things went wrong - because I felt the child was too young to leave. Children do bond with people who are not their biological parents sometimes. In fact he has spent an awful lot of time with us over the years and has told me on a number of occasions he wants to live with me, and also, to both of us, he wants to live with us. He has never had a particularly happy home with his Mum, although that has improved slightly recently, and that fact, combined with the fact he is now older, is making me feel that maybe I can now leave the relationship. I am no spring chicken and do not have a problem with ending a relationship that is not going anywhere, and is, frankly, bad in terms of the amount of control. And yes I have had a number of false promises over the years, and am now clear that my Partner is not someone who follows through.
I do take the point that it was foolish to get involved with the child if we were not actually married. At the time I thought we were partners for life despite not being married - and in fact I'm not sure my position would be any different legally, if we are married. There are cases of carers being given access rights, and even residency, under certain situations.
I would just like people to try and understand that this little boy loves and trusts me and sees me as a Mother figure. If I left him, not only would I be deserting him (and so I do need to be able to explain something) but I would be leaving him with the dysfunctional situation of his Father and brother with no-one around to step in and make sure his needs are met. Yes it would be up to his biological parents to liaise more and make sure his needs are met.
I was. obviously, feeling very emotional, when writing this question, as the little boy has been asking to spend more time with me, and I am thinking of having to leave.
I am not being competitive - but there are cases when a child's parents are quite selfish and don't always do the best for them. Since writing this question I have had some coaching with a professional step-parenting coach, who has said I am too important to leave, and given me advice on how to manage the relationship with my partner, accept certain things, and change others in chinks. I have made some progress - and I think both my Partner and I know that we are only making an effort for his son. His son has already had bust-ups and losses and family break-up at his Mum's end, and he just wants two happy families.
A
female
reader, Faded Lights  +, writes (18 April 2013):
This is a very unfortunate situation and I really feel for you. Obviously, as you know, you must leave the situation you are in. The only thing you can really do is talk with the child's biological parents. Hopefully both the mother and father will understand why you must leave the relationship and will let you see the kid occasionally or talk on the phone or skype etc. Otherwise, as much as it will hurt, you will still have to get out of this and theres unfortunately probably no ideal way to break the news to a 5 year old. All you can tell them is how much you truly care about them and do not want to leave but you have to go away. This will definitely hurt on both sides but their is really no other choice that you have.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2013): You just go OP, it's not your kid. People come in and out of everyone's life all their lives, it doesn't matter whether you're 5 or 50, it's a part of life you have to learn to deal with.
You owe nothing at all to this kid, just a little friend that is now out of your life.
I have no contact with the children of my exs but I will happily say hello to them and talk to them any time I see them.
OP it's not as big a deal as you think it is.
Why would a 5 year old who is not related to you think you deserted him? OP you're projecting adult emotions to a person who has no concept of adult relationships or friendships, his father will explain it whatever way he feels best and the child will move on from you, rather easily. He may ask about you but he'll be over you when he realizes he can't find his teddy that night and has a more pressing immediate emotional issue to deal with.
OP it's your emotional attachment to the child you have to worry about, you owe that kid nothing, and that kid owes you nothing. He was part of the package deal and now he's part of you leaving. It's far tougher on you emotionally than it will ever be for that kid OP. He may miss you being around a bit, but that's it.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 April 2013):
 So here we are, April 2013 and you are still locked into the same unhealthy relationship and situation you were in 2008.
18 November 2008
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-new-partners-ex-is-trying-to-break.html
18 March 2010
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-am-very-worried-about-this-brothers-behaviour.html
26 November 2011
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/two-brothers-at-war-and-a-child-suffers.html
You are in this situation because this is what suits you.
The child is now 5 years old, if you leave now he may have some vague fond memoories of you when he is 20 but I doubt he will be neglected by either parent, or by his uncle.
You are using this child as a reason to hang on to a toxic relationship. I think it is time you sat down and had a good, long, honest look at yourself, your life and your motives.
Leave, there is a life out there waiting, and the longer you sit around justifying your current situation the shorter that waiting life gets. Leave now, don't leave it any longer.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (18 April 2013):
 Hi
I can see how difficult this is for you, leaving the child when you so clearly care.
Unfortunately the child has 2 parents, mum and dad and it's down to them to be responsible for his well-being.
You could try and explain in simple terms that you love them but are going to live somewhere else, also ask the mum or your husband if you could send Birthday cards etc,but they might over-rule this and decide a clean break is best.
All you can do is ask the parents and explain how you feel.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2013): If you aren't married to your "partner" then his son is not your stepchild; in the eyes of the law the kid would be a legal stranger to you (no relationship by marriage or adoption) so you'd have no legal standing in his life. Under those circumstances, at any instant his father could dump you severing all contact or his mother could get full custody banning you from seeing him and you'd have no legal recourse.Given the dynamics of the brothers' relationship were established long before you came into the picture and that they truly are legally business partners, then you either ignored the red flags that had to be popping up or else boyfriend misled you.All you can do is tell the kid the truth in age-appropriate terms, you're going away for a while and you don't know when or if you'll be coming back. Fortunately he's young enough that he will remember very little about your brief presence in his life and you will soon become little more than a footnote among his childhood memories, if that. From the child's POV he still has a mother and a father no matter what grievances you have with them.Unfortunately you are experiencing the major drawback of getting involved with the father of a small child: the prospect that the relationship could go sour, causing abrupt forced permanent separation from a child with whom you have bonded despite bonding with a child with whom you have no legal relationship or parental authority.Not much you can do other than what is best for yourself, you can't factor the child into your decision-making process because ultimately you have no control over his being in your life.
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