A
male
age
41-50,
*omf
writes:Hi, I've been going out with my girlfriend for almost three years (anniversary next week) and she moved in with me in April. However over recent months we've been drifting apart, or should I say I have. She made it clear that I was the one and wanted to get married and have a family with me. However from the start I said that I'm happy to be with her, but I didn't want marriage or kids. The more it became clear that I couldn't give her what she wanted, the more I started to think, well what's the point? The fact is we do love each other and get on very well, there's been no problems living together. We have the same values and the companionship and affection is there. We started to have sex less frequently so much so that we've probably only had sex 3 times in the last five months, and not at all for a while. It felt that I couldn't be intimate with someone who I felt I wasn't going to have a future with.She offered to move out to give me some space, and she's staying with her parents. I feel so up and down and don't know which way to go. I don't know what I want, and feel guilty for putting her through this. Anyone got any advice?
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male
reader, Odds  +, writes (2 December 2010):
 Just want to second Dirtball's advice. He's got it right here.
A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave +, writes (2 December 2010):
It seems you sealed your own destiny from the start when you declared you didn't want marriage or kids.
That's not a criticism, that's your choice and it was good that you said it straight away.
None of us can predict the future and perhaps you didn't think things with your girlfriend would last this long because of what you didn't want - unless she felt the same and has changed her mind to now want marriage kids.
It's a massive shame that you two get on so well, but it has now come to this.
You basically have three choices:
- have your way and stay together without marriage or kids
- have her way and have marriage and kids
- go your separate ways
Only between you, you can make a decision. Have you discussed the options with your girlfriend? What are her views?
How come you don't want marriage or kids?
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (2 December 2010):
 I was in a similar situation with the exception that we didn't live together. We split up because I was never going to give her what she wanted. It's not entirely because I didn't want those things, but I knew in my heart that I didn't want them with her.
You should have a serious talk about this. Tell her that your views haven't changed. That you don't want a family and aren't sure if you ever will. That you don't want to tie her down and keep her from this because you know she wants it and you can't offer it. You need to ask her if she thinks she can be happy with you if you never have kids or get married.
Honest discussion of how both of you feel will lead you to the right decision. In my case it was to go our separate ways. Good luck, it's a tough spot to be in.
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