A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Joe is my first boyfriend of two years. I’m Joe’s 4th girlfriend. There is a six-year age difference between us, we see each other on the weekends, and he maintains quiet contact with a long-distance ex. Although people view him as a nice guy, he is secretly disappointed that girls oftentimes don’t “want” him. He claims he has no enemies, and hangs out with his many girl friends without telling me one-on-one, which can be frustrating. He sees no problem with it. He comes from a good family, and has a strong relationship with his mother that he downplays. I’m coming to a crossroads in my relationship with Joe. I feel like I’m not getting the emotional connection / attention that I need. I have talked with him about my needs, but he goes right back to being oblivious about them. So I have made a list to figure whether I should stay or go, and I would like your insight. Deep down, I do love Joe, but it’s fading. I have shared my heart / time / interest / vulnerabilities with him, but I feel it’s a bit one sided. Tell me what you think. Thank you all so much. Stay:1. Has many good personal (helpful, kind, optimistic, intelligent) qualities2. Has fun with me3. Helps me with his logic / general knowledge4. Cuddles with me and says he loves me / gives a lot of sexual attention5. He gets me into the social scene / has many friends6. There may not be a good as guy to replace him?7. Pays for many of the dates / dinners8. Likes to cook / tries to be household responsible9. Works hard / is independent10. He says he doesn’t believe in cheating11. Our personalities don’t conflict / are fairly passive12. We have few arguments13. Is level headed / tries to keep things positive Go:1. May have cheated with one of many girl friends (outnumbers guy friends); I wouldn’t know, I respect his privacy2. We don’t have a lot in common3. We communicate differently4. Doesn’t strive to learn more about my passions or me5. Downplays the importance of “heartfelt” things and changes the subject6. Always controls our dates, honestly forgets my suggestions, even though he’s open to them7. Forgets special occasions, and doesn’t do creative things for me even though he can / I have yet to be surprised by unexpected thoughtfulness8. Rarely complains or shares his vulnerabilities / past troubles with me, but does with his friends9. Doesn’t communicate with me regularly, guess I bore him10. Has never explained how I am special to him, but says I’m “nice” and a “good girlfriend”11. Wishes to expand the sexual part of the relationship over the emotional12. Family / friends find him distant and have some negative opinions of him13. We’re at different stages in our lives / he’s independent, I’m not, and he wants me to move in with him. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): Tante Victoire, this is OP.
Joe talks and visits with his ex infrequently, to the best of my knowledge. He has mentioned this to me only because I asked. Otherwise, I know the minimum about his exes (or why their relationships ended). Talking about them makes him uncomfortable (bristle even), so I avoid it out of courtesy and privacy.
We are both sort of traditional. We both hope for marriage in our futures, but have not discussed it with each other. I am proud of his accomplishments and his life outside the relationship, but he doesn't show much interest in my family's lives or my own passions.
I appreciate your analysis, but if it were obvious to me if I needed to move on, I would have. He is my first boyfriend, however, so I don't know how to gauge the healthiness of my relationship appropriately. This is made more difficult by the fact that there is nothing "wrong" or sinister about Joe. I visit this site and other relationship advice sites to educate myself.
I suppose the real question here about Joe is if he's "just being a man" or if he's just using me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): "Long- distance" ex? It seems your suspicions are not unfounded if he's carrying on a past flame over phone/corresp.? Or did you mean it's a platonic thing with her? What was meant by "quiet"? That he hides it from you?
Plenty of guys have more girl- friends than guy- friends... it's simply what their character dictates their social life to be. But it's disconcerting to me when he states his disappointment in girls not wanting him. It makes it seem he sees these girl- friends as more than platonic. I would wonder if he was being with me, above all these other girls, only because I was the one to want him back.
He seems very traditional to me, and needs someone similar. Strong relationships exist between people who do not share each other's passions... they each do their own thing and each are proud of the other for having their own individual lives outside of the relationship, their own interesting interests and strengths.
To be honest, your "go" list sounds a lot like a run- down of all the differences between males and females, generally. You'll encounter these in most any relationship in your life. Males tend to emphasize the sex part, tend to forget special occasions, tend to not take hints about being more thoughtful, are stereotypically less "chatty"........
As for taking the next step and moving in, it sounds like you aren't quite sure on that. You seem quite unsure in general... are you even happy anymore? Does he not delight you at all... do you not feel comfort or support...
It should be obvious to you if you need to move on.
-Tante Victoire
(P.S. Don't show him this list! That would be dehumanizing.)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): This is not LTR material. This is a better-than-average FWB, and that's about it. You are one of many, and that will, unfortunately, not change judging by how he treats you. Not that he treats you poorly, but you fit the mold of a FWB "girlfriend" in this relationship, and that's all it will ever be. So if you want more, want commitment, want someone who notices YOU, you will need ot move on. Or, if you want the sex, social scene and basic happiness of being independent and having "fun" when you want, keep him. It's really not that complicated. But it sounds like you want love. And Joe is not the man for that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): You know what strikes me first about your lists? Everything in the "stay" list are all friendship related qualities (except the sex part)
And the "Go" part is pretty much all the romantic qualities.
Read back over them again yourself, do you see what I'm getting at? You pretty much make good friends, but there's no passion, fire or romance in your relationship at all. You're basically becoming friends and moving away from love and romance. He just wants a friend he can have sex with basically.
No I'm not saying being friends with your partner is not a good thing and sex is also important. But relationships based on a friendship of sex is not a relationship. Relationships need romance, you need your emotional needs filled just as much your mental and sexual needs. He's not giving that to you and after two years that's very unlikely to change.
Your 'Go' list has too many things in it that are definitely required for this to work.
You're basically friends that have sex, which is just a level above friends with benefits. Now lots of people will tell you the honeymoon period is over and relationships get like this. That's only half true. Intensity is the only thing that changes. The strength of romance, emotions and love grows stronger in my opinion there's just less of a fury and passion about it.
I love my girlfriend of 4 years, our honeymoon period ended about 2 years in, the only thing that changed was the intensity of our relationship we no longer had to run off and have sex everywhere, every time we could. It no longer hurt that much to be without each other for a few days but we did still miss each other. After two years we were like two arms on the same body, we clicked and connected completely and our lives combined naturally. I mean we're at the stage now where we can confidently speak on behalf of the other to anyone about anything. We can complete each others sentences and a lot of the time a look is enough to complete an entire conversation without saying anything. You don't have any kind of close communication at all.
You're basically his friend for sex, a girl who he has now and doesn't feel he needs to make the effort romantically anymore just get more sex.
The thing is when relationships go past the honeymoon stage that's when you have to double your efforts at romance and emotion, that's when it;s time to work even harder to show your partner how special they are. You don't have any of that.
My opinion I'd show him this list and I'd show him what's missing. It's up to him to step up to the plate and if he can't then you have to reconsider your options. Maybe even show him your question here and the responses.
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A
female
reader, Jasmin.x  +, writes (2 December 2010):
well, i think you shouold get the truth out of him and ask if he's cheated or not. if he says no, then have a DNA test to see if he's lying or not. if you brake up, then you could find someone better.
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