A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years, lived together for almost 3 years of that. He's my best friend and we've spoken openly about marriage and kids.Anyway, my question is, how do you know if you're really meant to be together forever? We've had big fights before and split up twice (which lasted a matter of hours). The first one was because he went to visit family in his home country (Czech Republic) and didn't contact me at all while he was there (we were together for just over a year at this point). And the second time was early this year, after I was unsure what I wanted in the future - I'm not sure if I wanted to travel and he's adamant on saving for a future and travelling when he's a lot older (45+). But, after these fights, I was deeply upset and realised how much he means to me. He's my best friend and I can tell him anything.We've just been on holiday and it was amazing. I kept saying when we return that we HAVE to spend more time together out of the house. But it only lasted about 2 weeks and he's returned to playing video games and hardly spending time together (although, my current work rota's haven't helped as I've worked most weekends since being back) Is it bad that I'm questioning our relationship? Am I self-sabotaging? I feel so guilty, and I just wanted to know if it's normal at this point in a relationship? Thank you
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (12 June 2018):
 When my Grandfather died 12 days after my grandmother died, at the ages of 94 and 90. On that Day I was pretty sure they were meant to be together forever.
Up until then? Well anything can happen. Life time relationships take more than good chemistry. They take every day work. We had our 30th anniversary last August and in January I was wondering if we would make to that day. Partners who take a week off of the relationship, are not working on it every day.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 June 2018):
 How do you know? Well nobody knows. Nobody can tell you if you are going to be together forever or not, life just doesn't work that way. If you love him and you want to be with him, then you both need to work at the relationship and become a team.
Most couples do have fights it is how you solve them that is the main thing. Spliting up is never a good sign in a relationship, even if it is only for a couple of hours you both need to try and work through your problems not throw in the towel.
It is okay to want two different things, but you should not allow a relationship to hold you back either. If you want to travel and he doesn't then you need to follow your own heart. If you don't you might always regret it and blame him for you missing out on an experience. It is great you can both talk about anything, as communication is the big one between you both.
It is healthy to do more things together outside of the house, but if you are working at weekends then you cannot expect him just to work around your schedule you need to compromise as a couple. Take things slowly and make small changes. Don't expect to much to quick.
No it is not bad that you are questioning things, and yes it can be normal at this point to feel like the spark has gone or you have both fallen in to a routine. It is okay to change things up as well. It sounds like he is content at the moment, but you want more. So organize more activities and work together as a team.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 June 2018):
 You won't know if you are "meant" to be together forever. I don't believe in "happily ever after". That is for fairy tales not reality. there are no guarantees.
You take life one day at a time. You WORK on your relationship, you invest in it, emotionally, physically and mentally. that is an ongoing thing. There will be times were things are great and there will be things were it's less great - but as long as you BOTH share SOME common goal for the future, for the relationship and life in general it's more likely that you will make it work long term.
Does he work? Or is video games all he does?
And while travelling is AMAZING ( I did a LOT of travelling in my 20's) how realistic is it really to "plan" to travel a lot in your 40's? To be honest? If you two are talking marriage and kids... travelling will take a backseat without doubt. Holidays might still happen but travelling the world in your 40's might not really happen. It's still 20 + years away and planning for that is kind of hard.
While it might SOUND like a great idea to see the World in the future - life is in the here and now, not 20 years into the future. At least not yet.
And honestly, it's OK that you don't feel sure you WANT the same things as he does. You don't have to decide THIS minute if travelling in 20+ years is what YOU want.
What you DO have to decide is if you feel HE is investing in YOU and your relationship in the HERE & NOW or not. And by the sound of it, it doesn't sound like he is.
It doesn't mean you have to go out all the time and spend money, but doing things together, being there for each other when work and life permits it.
I think it's good when we question a relationship because in most instances there IS always room for improvements. But you BOTH kind of have to be on the same path. LOVE is not really enough to build a life on. You need compatibility too. You need "investments" from BOTH people and you need to be able WANT to make it work, that can mean adjusting, compromising and sharing common goals.
I think that you perhaps have come to a point where you can really see the forest for all the trees. He is talking about doing ALL these things in 20+ years but doing little to ensure that you two will be together in 20+ years.... and you want the here and now to work or there won't be a long term future. You two seem not to be on the same page at all for what a relationship is about.
I can tell you this from experience, plans change. ALL the time. Life tosses in wrenches here and there and you have a couple of choices, to "duck" and keep going or work with what you got and make the most of it.
You sound like a doer and he sounds like a dreamer. So are you really compatible, long term?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 June 2018):
 It's not bad that you're questioning the relationship because it just goes to show that there's always room for improvement.
You know OP, I have always been a very firm believer in travelling, seeing the world, experiencing other cultures.
However, a few days back I was having an argument with my husband and I told him that I want to escape and go on a long holiday because life is weighing me down and I am very unhappy with where we are, location wise. I absolutely hate the dead, miserable, depressing city that we're stuck in for work. And he said to me, "all right, you want to go, you want to travel- go. I am always there for you, go wherever you want but ultimately unless you're happy and contented within yourself, that holiday that you're craving for, will not change anything. You'll be happy for those few days and then come back here again and be unhappy. Go by all means if you want a break but don't think of it as a band-aid for your problems. Because unless you want to, nothing will change when you come back."
And that's when I realised, he was right! An article that I read in the aftermath of Anthony Bourdain's death reaffirmed the same. That we are led to believe that we accumulate life changing experiences by taking trips, that travel and holidays are a panacea. The truth, unfortunately, is far from that.
My point is OP, both of you need to sit down and sort things out, within the life that you have created for yourself. I'm not sure if I understand the traveling after 45 thing... What about kids, what about your jobs? He just plans to drop everything and escape?
He needs to put in more effort into the relationship and make time for both of you. Not just by going on holidays but by making each day together in your own home count. By doing things together, by cooking together, going shopping, by just lazing and watching TV together.
Whether or not you're meant to be together only time will tell. What you must know is that, relationships that last or have lasted are the ones where both partners have put in efforts to make things work, to make things better and to make things happier. These things don't happen themselves. You have to make them happen.
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