A
female
age
51-59,
*ingerann
writes:how do you know if your boyfriends ex is trying to get him back?he always tells me when she has contacted him,and what they talked about.he said its never about them or love,just casual conversation.but-why is it important to have her in his life.she must know when to call him.im never around when shes called-strange?hope he hasnt met up with her or went to her house.would he tell me all?this subject is tearing me up inside.its been a year since they broke up.we have been together for over 6 months.im in love.is he?he says he is with me?can he still be in love with her?dont know what to do or say.scared to lose him.
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (16 June 2011):
 How do you know if your boyfriend's ex is trying to get him back?
Well, you can't. Nor can you know that she's only interested in being platonic friends. As RedAthena said- you can only really go by his actions.
"he always tells me when she has contacted him,and what they talked about. he said its never about them or love,just casual conversation"
You know what his "actions" are saying to me...? That he could very easily hide/omit/lie to you that they've talked
-given that you're never around when she calls. You'd be none the wiser- basically he could completely avoid having to reassure you, but he chooses to be honest. So either A- He's got nothing to hide or B- He's got a conscience... probably both given what you've written.
Provided that the contact isn't excessive- (like every day or two), you shouldn't feel threatened or doubt his intentions until he gives you reasonable doubt. In my eyes, right now there doesn't appear to be signs that anything fishy is going on.
He's with you for a reason, so put away your insecurities and consider that possibly the more you've come to love him over these past 6 months and the more of a good catch he seems to you, the more pro-actively you're trying to ensure that you keep hold of him.
The unfortunate thing with being pro-active to problems and not reactive is that instead of reacting to an actual problem, you're trying to predict/anticipate problems before they've even happened... problems which may not even exist or may never happen- regardless of what you do or don't do to try to prevent them...
You can start to see potential problems mapping out everywhere from even the tiniest moments and suspicions.
A momentary glance, a misspoken word, an odd facial expression, a weird reaction, a hint of unwanted competition... its enough to drive anyone mad from stress. Not to say that you shouldn't be aware of such things and gut feelings- just that you should take them with a pinch of salt individually. Its when they start to stack up and show consistent patterns that you should sit up and take notice.
So just kick back and relax. Your boyfriend and his ex are clearly better as just friends than they were as lovers- otherwise they'd still be together. He loves you from the sounds of things, so just enjoy the ride and stop thinking the roller-coaster car is going to come off the rails until you actually see some dodgy looking tracks.
Just my 2 cents.
Goodluck :)
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (15 June 2011):
 Do not be concerned with what SHE does. Be focused on HIS ACTIONS. Do you TRUST HIM?
Your greatest fears may be worse than the facts.
You are reacting to what "could" happen that reality. If you worry too much about their friendship-you could actually DRIVE him away.
Some men can remain friends with their exes. I have one past love interest that I remained close friends with. We make MUCH better friends than a couple. We should have stayed JUST friends and managed to put aside our visit to loverville.
He has dated other women casually, but nothing serious. I know a few have felt threatened by our friendship and if I met them, reassured HER of my FRIEND ROLE.
Jealousy and worry is the quickest way to lose a boyfriend with female friends. It makes you a COOL gf if you accept that is a PAST relationship, now a friend he trusts, and that YOU are his chosen Lady.
Best Wishes.
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