A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Question for you since no one has a real good answer for me. My fiancee and I had a discussion the other day about having children. Up to this point in my life I have gone back and forth a lot. Sometimes I want a child, sometimes I absolutely do not. I really can't stand children, I don't understand or get excited around babies like other people do. I've been told I will like my own child. My fiancee doesn't like other people's kids either but is certain he wants to be a father and know he will love his own kid. Well I don't know and I'm not so certain. He takes that to mean I don't want to have kids, because if I wanted to be a mother I would absolutely know. I am 23 and he is 30 btw. I often wonder if it is age as an issue. But he said when he was my age he knew he would want kids one day, just not right then. I can't say that I know I want kids one day. It is odd because when I was 18-20 I was certain, I even wanted a kid right then. I have no idea what changed in me so much. I asked him the other day what would happen if we get married and I decided a few years down the road that I am officially certain I don't want a child. Like if we would get a divorce over it. He doesn't know the answer. So pretty much if we get married I will be having to have a child. It is confusing and sad because I wouldn't want to break up when I really don't know that I don't want a kid, I just don't know either way. I also have cf which is a lung disease. It makes it difficult, and I think it could even be possible that I can't have children. The pregnancy would be very hard on me and it would take quite a while of trying. So basically I have to know I want a kid before we start the long process of trying. He did say it was okay if I was incapable of getting pregnant, that it would be like fate and it's something he has accepted since he has known about my disease. What he wouldn't accept is if I didn't even try. So I don't know. I don't know if you suddenly decide you want a kid? If I am just too young (even though I was younger when I did want a kid)? Do people question if they want one or not then suddenly decide yes? I have a lot of worries about it all. Life seems depressing with a kid, like your life changes and its now all about the child. And those parents who always talk about their kids... and expect you to talk about how cute they are... ugh. I don't want to be one of those. when I am around my sister's babies everyone is making a big fuss about how cute they are. I have a hard time seeing them as people, it's hard to describe. I don't find them fascinating nor cute. At all. I think about my own child and how kids can be such punks, I worry if I would dislike my own kid? My mom disliked my sister, so it is possible. I also worry about my relationship with my spouse changing, like we would grow apart and become depressing married couples you hear about who get a divorce. Kids seem depressing, I don't know. Just any opinions would be great. Sorry for going on and on. I am trying to get all my thoughts out there so I can get the best advice and opinion on how I feel about kids versus if I would ever want one. Is it possible to find everyone else so depressing with children but still decide I want one myself? Maybe my relationship isn't strong enough and that's why I am scared. Ive been so confused and I don't know what to do with anything anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses. I think I have always wanted a kid, but lately I became more scared as getting married and starting an "adult" life makes you really have to think about having them. We have decided as C.Grant did to wait a few years after marriage until I am ready and then to try. So even though it could take years of trying, we will wait until I'm sure I am ready before even trying. It takes a lot of pressure off me and I feel better. Also C. Grant- saying you never liked children and went into marriage thinking you did not want kids but suddenly turned around and felt like you weren't complete without them, it gave me great hope. I feel as though I will feel the same way, I just need to be ready for it myself. Thank you all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011): Hi there. I like your post. When I was early/mid twenties the idea of having kids totally grossed me out and I just felt sorry for people who had them! I'm 38 now and still feel ambivalent and that is ok. I dont regret not having kids earlir as I broke up with those relationships. Now me and my partner are trying for a baby and we have been for over a year. There are fertiltiy issues on both sides and we are seeing a specialist. That's okay, if it happens it will be a gift and if it doesnt life goes on. I also think your post is refreshing; I dont doubt that having kids is amazing but some women seem to hold the belief that it is there god given right to conceive and i disagree. Also, it can be very selfish to have children; we are extremely over populated and more and more children are getting taken into care. I also cant bear women who go on and on about their kids. I do want a child/children and i know at my age i'll be lucky if it happens. I just feel blessed that i managed to find a soul mate who also has no children and wants them. I'm lucky to have what I have and if i have a child, well that is just a lucky bonus. There are other wonderful elements to life, it's not just about raising a family - nature, art, literature, music, film, culture, travel, to name a few. I know my life will change dramatially if i have a child and i'll have less time for those interests. Not to mention the cost?! Me and my bf both work full time but we dont earn loads, what happens when my maternity pay runs out? We'll be skint, that's what!Your CF is an issue, i have afriend who has that and she cant have kids.I think you are your partner are being very mature about this and i wish you luck in your relationship and life.
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reader, C. Grant  +, writes (24 August 2011):
 It's funny -- when my wife and I were talking to the priest about our marriage vows, there was a sort of opt-out for procreation, and I was opting for that because I was thinking 'no kids'. And the priest said basically no, that's for people who are too old to have them anyway. So I got overruled, and our vows included the idea of having children.
I didn't want children. I'd never met children who I wanted to be with.
Fast forward some years, my wife and I had had fun times, we'd built careers, we'd travelled, etc. And it came to us that our lives, as nice as they were, were just hollow, and that we could do well as parents.
Three children later, and frankly there is nothing better, more fulfilling that we could have done. Yes there were difficult times. Yes, it completely changed our relationship. Yes, it changes your life. And yes, it's no longer about you and your spouse. And yes, that's sometimes tough as hell.
I'm now seeing my offspring venturing out into the world. My eldest, at 18, is a kind, caring wonderful person. Her siblings are polite, respectful where it's warranted, and at the same time challenging. They're smart, they're engaging. They're the future.
There is nothing I could have done that would have made my life more worthwhile than having these children. Ya, 20 years ago I didn't want to go there. Today? There's nothing I could have done professionally that could have compared.
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reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (24 August 2011):
 It's fantastic that you and your fiancee are having this discussion before marriage. Many don't, and just assume what the other will or won't want. It is a huge step, especially for you, so keep thinking, and talking. There is no rule written anywhere, stating that you must reproduce at all cost. I am like yourself, and not much interested in kids. I did have a child at twenty-nine, which was when I felt the desire to have one. The whole baby stage wasn't all the exciting, but when he was around four, I found him to be adorable and much more interesting. Do you feel that you both might benefit from seeing a counsellor, or even your doctor, to discuss the issue? It couldn't hurt. The decision has to be the right one for you. Best of luck. xxx
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reader, birdynumnums +, writes (24 August 2011):
 I have to say that while you bring up a lot of legitimate concerns regarding taking on the task of raising children, it is rather refreshing compared to young girls who rush right into the task because babies are as cute as puppies.
My number one concern for you is the effect this would have on your health and I'm not sure which city you are in or are close to - but I think genetic/medical counseling is in order here. It's not just pregnancy - you have to raise them as well. If I had known what I know now, that I would become a full-time stay-at-home ex-pat mother raising two children to adulthood - I would have taken Pre-Med and Weight Lifting. lol! It's not a dainty job. It's hard work.
I also think that you need to figure this issue out for yourself; independent of your spouse's issues and make sure that you won't have regrets. There are a lot of feelings you have raised - but you also said that you previously DID want children.
BTW - I have two grown children and I really can't say that I ever liked anyone else's all that well (another going-to-hell moment for me). My description of having your own children is that they are 90% work - but the other 10% is the Purest Joy that you will ever know. That part is 100% truth. Can't imagine my life without them.
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