A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do you know if its love? I have never been in love, I've had plenty of crushes, but that's not the same thing is it! Yet I have to admit to myself that I cannot get a certain man off my mind.Whenever we meet, he is always teasing me and I always tease him back. Whenever I speak to my friends about him, they accuse me of flirting with him, but I don't even know how to flirt!!But although we shouldn't get on so well, we do. He is much older than me but behaves like a child most of the time, which is when we have some squabbles. We found out by chance that we have the same birth date which made us laugh.Then he accused me once at a party, cos he was teasing me and I threatened jokingly to stand on his bare feet, that i had a hidden violent streak and patted my head.And yet, he suffers from depression. He has some very intense moody bouts and some of his friends say he becomes very reclusive, yet whenever I see him, he never fails to smile and have a joke with me and looks at me, not just little looks but really long gazes which make me look away in embarrassment.Now they have accused the pair of us of something going on because he is always much brighter. I think he likes me, but I am not entirely sure if he fancies me. I know I cannot stop thinking of him and of what squabble we might have next.Both our sets of friends ask why we don't just get together already and I am beginning to wonder, if we should take the plunge. But being the shy type I don't think, if he is just teasing for the sake of it, I could take the rejection if he told me he didn't like me in that way. I have always been terribly sensitive and an horrible experience at high school always put me off asking men out. Its given me a complex if you like. But there we go. I know I fancy him, I have an inkling he fancies me, I cannot stop thinking of him, but do I love him or is this another one of my damned crushes? It doesn't feel like a crush. I have had a few in my time, quite intense ones, and although my feelings for this man are strong i know it is pure fancying him and feeling like i want to be with him, rather than fantasising. I keep arguing with myself, and the outcome changes on a daily basis.Oo I am so confused....and beginning to ramble, so, Helllllppppppppp!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (6 October 2010):
 Well what do you think it is? No one else can really ever tell you what love is. Different people feel it in different ways, they show it in different ways and no one will ever truly know when they feel it. Some people are sure that the love someone but when faced with terrible obstacles, they find that they do not 'love' someone enough to stick around. You see it all the time on this website. The truth is, there is no way of knowing.
There are of course, different strengths, I do believe that you cannot categorize love itself, just its strength. Do you feel STRONGLY about him? Clearly, you do. Where you go from here, is all up to you but in the end, does it all really matter? You feel what you feel and what you feel right now is powerful is it not? Go with it.
I hope that helps.
A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (6 October 2010):
 I don't think that you can truly love someone without knowing them very well. What you're describing is not love, it's more like infatuation, intense like, lust and so on.
I have to disagree with aunt honesty, what she describes is pure infatuation. True, deep love is not about wanting to be with someone 24/7, that's infatuation and hormones, that's lusting after someone who you don't know very well but you'd like to.
Real love takes a lot of time to develop. It takes you seeing him angry, sick, happy, sad, etc and still loving him. For that you need time.
If I was you I'd try to spend some alone time with him, to see what he's really about and how he behaves when it's just you two. Let's say you see him and you get to chatting. Mention a movie you'd like to see and tell him that none of your friends want to see it with you. See if he offers to go with you...get him ask you out!
The bottom line is, you know the answer...you said 'I know I fancy him.' That's all it is for now. You need to know him much better to be able to fall in love with him.
And you have a chance to do that. Make yourself available but let him pursue you. If he likes you as much as you like him, he'll take the hints and come after you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 October 2010):
 Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Do you feel you belong with him? Without him you are missing something? If you are far away, do you feel he is right there with you, in your heart? Do you desire him sexually? Do you love him like a woman loves a man?
(in most cases this question also applies: do you want to be the mother of his children? Do you see him as a father of your children?)
Can you picture the two of you getting old together?
I guess I was fortunate that when I was young I had a dream in which I was about 40 years old and had a husband that I loved, so I knew the feeling ever since, and only had to compare. I really don't know how others recognize true love. But these are some thing that you need to answer "yes" to, otherwise you don't love him.
Although, I will add another clue. You do love your family. Compare the feelings. Love has many levels. Some are for family, some are for friends. The deepest most intimate and intense you have for a partner. But if you plan on getting married, you need to also love your man as family. Because that adds a patience to the love. Love is combined of many feelings. The love a woman has for a man includes passion and desire as well. The love for a friend lacks those two components. If you understand what I mean.
Based on what you are saying I don't think you love this man at all. I think you like him. And just that shallow liking either. Like you said, HE didn't tell you he has a depression, you heard it from others. So the two of you haven't even had a proper deep conversation yet. You basically don't know him by anything than rumour and the occasional joke. Jokes don't reveal who he is. You need to go deeper. Get to know him as a person, on a far deeper level. You aren't really close to a person until you have seen their ugly side and "survived", meaning you can handle it. As this man has never even showed you anything but his "happy" side, you and him have a shallow aquaintance. Im sorry.
But, it can get deeper. You have a good foundation. Humour, and friendship. If you take the "plunge", take it slow! You need to get to know him better. It sounds like he might have fallen for you, and if you rush in too fast he could fall even deeper, and then you would just break his heart if you find out you don't like him in a romantic way.
Don't expect love yet. Love can come fast for some, but in many cases it is something that developes over time. Have a romantic relationship first, and see if you will actually fall in love with this man, and if he makes you happy.
If you feel you would do just as well without him, then you are not in love at all. If you continue to not really feel bothered if he is away, then it is best to end it and not string the guy on further.
I imagine the reason you think about this guy a lot now is because you have an interest in him and he amuses you. If you were in love you would describe him a lot differently!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 October 2010):
 Well love is when you get that tingly feeling in your stomach and when you cant stop thinking about someone 24 7 and you would do anything for that person, love is when you know somebody is side out and the first thing you think about in the morning is them and the last thing at night, when there in your arms you never want to let them go and you feel comfortable around them and can talk to them about anything.
now back to your issue, i guess if you are happy with the way things are at the moment then keep it that way and hope that he will ask you out eventually but if you are fed up with only being friends and want more if you are to shy to tell him to his face then maybe give him a text and ask him out. At least then you no you tried you only live once so go for it.
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