A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:The last four years of my life were so valuable to me because I was blessed with some very valuable friendships. In college the girlfriends I made were understanding, loyal and wild. I loved them. Any given time other than class and work might find us dragging a mattress into the living room for movie marathons or blasting music and running around ripping shots and trying to help each other find the right outfit for the night. All our guy friends lived in the same apartment building the last two years as well, and we all hung out all the time. I started dating my best guy friend and crashed with him at the end of every night.Even though I haven't graduated yet, everything has changed. Most of our friends are gone. I've taken the "post-college depression" pretty hard, in addition to the fact that I believe I've dealt with other depression for many years. I cherished my friends because they were fun and they were genuine. I've always felt a sadness because of friendships falling apart, because of no one "always" being there. I now live off-campus with two random people for the next five months. I feel lonely a lot. I feel lonely when I go back home too, because all my friends live out in the suburbs and it makes it hard to see them regularly. I'm lucky that my boyfriend is still in school for his super senior year too. I stay with him most nights, and while both he and his roommates are really kind and really cool, I don't wanna step on the boys' toes too much. But when I stay at my place at night, I feel the loneliness really hard again. I can't stand it. I just cry.My anxiety gets the best of me and I start thinking too much and get upset over nothing or worry about things I shouldn't. I don't want to make my boyfriend feel bad that I get so upset being alone. I don't want to smother him either. I am actually the one trying to tell him that he should get rest and I will stay at my place tonight. I'm sincere, but inside I am so distraught at the thought of being here alone and him being alone. I think I'm nuts.I still talk to my friends, I just hate the way things have changed. It will never be the same. I miss my friends. Yeah, okay, I'll make "work" friends. But I'm so goddamn worried all the time if I'll be a good teacher or what if I decide I don't like teaching, and I'm worried if I'll make good work friends. I worry I'll never be happy. I miss my friends. I miss the way things used to be. I can't find contentment.My boyfriend makes me so happy. He is my best friend. I think that's a good thing. I really do want to do the whole life thing with him. Since he's the one I spend most of my time with now that everyone else has graduated, I wonder if marriage is what will eventually help me since I want that friend that is "always" there for you. Obviously I hope you give me the benefit of the doubt in my wanting to spend my life with him... I could list 1000 reasons if you wanted me to. Anyways, is this a legit idea, thinking that's the next "chapter" for me in life? Since friends become more distant because careers, a romantic relationship might be your best friendship?And how do you deal with the loss of closeness in those tight-knit friendships? How do you not get bitter when friends lose touch? How do you keep friendships? How do you make yourself happy? How do you stay happy?Please help.I know it's wrong that I can't ever feel comfortable at home at night by myself. I need to relax and focus on school and work. Someone just tell me what to do as the first step right now, so I can quit stupid nights crying myself to sleep for no reason. Thank you.
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female
reader, Koala Bear  +, writes (20 September 2011):
 Looks like your energy needs to be redirected else where. That's basically what happens when people "move on". The distance you feel from former friends is because their focus and energy is invested some where else. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just life in motion and always changing. Have you tried getting involved in charities and maybe help supporting a cause. You seem like a very sensitive person who sees a lot of value in others. Supporting causes is a great way to feeling self satisfaction and make life changing impressions on others. Maybe this would be a good thing for you. When others move on, we have to do the same.Btw, only marry if it's for love, not because of peer pressure. Marriage will not change your state of mind A marriaged that is rushed stands the test of time.
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