A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is so negative, I really want to help make him see the brighter side some more.He clearly has low self esteem and no matter how gorgeous I tell him he is it clearly just just doesn't sink in, he just doesn't believe me I guessDoes anyone have any experience of this and know how to help it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): Sometimes it can be a form of false modesty. They actually enjoy having their ego fed by someone repeatedly telling them they are gorgeous. So stop doing it. If he truly believes he isn't gorgeous, he wont mind that you have stopped saying it. But if he starts asking why you've stopped 'bigging' him up, then you will know he was enjoying your compliments! My partner tells me he thinks he is ugly but i have caught him admiring himself in the mirror many times. Not what you would expect from someone who finds themselves so ugly!
But if your partner is seriously negative about everything not just his looks. Then he might be a little depressed. In which case he may need to talk to someone like his doctor or a therapist. Try and determine which you think it is because if it is depression then there is not much you can do by talking to him. He will need professional help.
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (20 May 2011):
I used to be like your boyfriend. I didn't have any self esteem, felt worthless and ugly and no-one could convince me otherwise because I thought they were doing it to humor me. This was all because I'd been badly bullied in the past and it took a lot for me to start trusting people again. I got into my first relationship when I was 22. That's when I finally felt content with who I was and ready to let someone get close to me.
Your boyfriend decided to go for it before he was at that point and now you're stuck with the consequences. Someone who can't love or like themselves are not good relationship material. They have so much baggage it ends up ruining everything. You can't solve his problem, because it's not YOUR problem. But HIS problem is causing you pain.
Be hard for him instead of understanding. Don't indulge him in his negativity. Don't feel sorry for him. Don't react when he's telling you he feels ugly/etc. Change the subject. You need to divert his attention from himself. But you have to ask yourself if you're up for it, because like chigirl said, you can't help people who don't want to help themselves.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 May 2011):
 Yes, I have experience with this. And no matter what you tell them or for how long you tell them, or how much you try to convince them, they will not ever see it. So what do you do? Stop trying to make this your problem.
If they are negative, and it is affecting you, tell them so. "You are being negative and it makes me upset. If you do not have anything good to say then do not say anything at all".
It sounds harsh, but that's the only way. People who feel sorry for themselves get fuel to continue with this behaviour if people around feel sorry for them as well. Which results in more whining and complaining, and more attention seeking.
Tell him once that he is lovely. Then not again. He heard you the first time, now it is up to him how he wants to deal with that. If he says he doesn't believe you you have every right to get insulted as this is him mocking you. I mean, if he tells you it isn't true he is in effect accusing you of lying. This is an offense. It is not to be acceptable, and you should most definitely not encourage him to tell you you are lying. Take it seriously. If he says it's not true, or brushes it away, look him into his eyes and ask him "do you not believe me? Do you think I am lying?" Then wait for an answer.
If he is to grow self esteem he needs to tackle that problem on his own. It might sound harsh again, but the rules of life tell you that you can not help someone who does not want to help themselves. All you can do is help out when asked, and if so there needs to be specific things to do (such as lifting furniture, doing dishes, picking someone up at the airport, real physical actions). You can not be some light from above to guide him to the right path in life... or anything grand like that.
It needs to come from within himself. Self esteem is NOT found anywhere around you, it comes solely from within yourself. Therefor, nothing you say will matter. You are not doing him, or yourself, any favours by trying to tell him over and over. Just stop allowing this negative behaviour.
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