A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So to make this question short enough that people won't stop reading, I'll start like this.I've met this wonderful girl who I'm falling in love with. We have a great deal in common and find that everyday, we find something new in common. Heck, our birthdays are only 3 days apart. We have a great time together and have since day one. Everything about our relationship seems great, we are very attracted to each other and love to do things for each other. I even get along great with her folks. Note: we've been dating seriously for about 7 weeks now.Anyway, she's started getting pretty shady about somethings and her attitude has kind of started to change. Granted, we are both under a lot of work stress right now. So here's an example, we used to be able to joke about things like kids, but now if I mention something like "wonder what car seats will be like in a couple years when we have kids", she gets really irritated. If I mention anything about marriage, same outcome. She recently told me she was falling in love with me, but ever since then things have been different.She had some really bad experiences with guys in her past and she recently told me that she's extremely afraid that I will do those things to her, but honestly I want to be with this girl forever. I think she needs some space, but how do you go from having a great relationship where anything goes, to backing off and not saying things like that (when at one point it was comfortable for everyone). Long story short, I'm not really sure what to do, how do I show her how much I care and that I will never hurt her. She just doesn't believe me at this point.Thanks in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all very much for your insight. That helps a lot. We have begun talking about things and I am starting to understand more about where she is coming from. She has been through a lot of mental and physical abuse in the past and she is working hard to try and get over some of these things before they cost her a good relationship. I am working on backing off now and haven't mentioned the sensitive words in days. I'm hoping it's going to help. Thanks again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): It seems to me it could be one of two things. It could be that she has been hurt by previous boyfriends who made alot of false promises e.g. "I wonder what our kids will look like..." and after she invested alot of time into the relationship thinking that they were going to marry and the like, they ended up dumping her. So perhaps when she hears you mention marriage or the like, she thinks its all talk, but she may think if she gives it a few years, you won't actually follow through. In that case, stop talking about it and if you really see her in your future act on the dream and don't just talk about it. Actions speak louder than words. That is one possiblility.
But it also could be that she thinks you are moving too fast. Maybe she just wants to live in the now and all this talk about the future is making her feel uneasy and is taking away from the mystery and excitement of this new relationship.
And it could be a combination of both of these things. I'll be honest, if I had been dating a guy for a couple of months, even if I was head over heels, I would not like him to joke about stuff like that. I would much rather a guy let me know how he feels in other ways. Such as telling me what he wants in his future and that he adores me and would love to spend it with me. But I think you should stop these jokes about babies and give the whole marriage talk a rest. Let the relationship evolve and once it has developed so much that you are both absolutley sure about each other, THEN go out ring shopping, or ask her if she would like to go out ring shopping with you. But until then and as long as it is all talk but you have no plans in the making, then just let it evolve without so much talk about it.
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A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (13 January 2008):
 I think that at first these jokes were only just jokes to her, now she has realized you actually mean it and it has only gone 7 weeks. I think you are right that she needs some space now to think what she wants. If things go too fast in the beginning it can be scary even if everything seems like fine on the surface. If she has bad experiences from before she might think that this is getting too deep and she is afraid that she will be too involved too soon before having had the time to let things sink in before next step. You think you two have a lot in common and everything is perfect, but she maybe thinks that you still have a lot of getting to know each other to do before starting to talk about marriage and kids. And now she got scared and wants to back off before she does something she is yet not sure about?
There will always be periods in a relationship when one or the other starts thinking about the choice, is this right or wrong for me, and you seem sensitive enough to spot that this is now happening to her, which is good. Tell her you really like her and give her some space. Let her know you are prepared to take one day at a time to see what happens next. Make her feel she is not pressured and hopefully she will feel more at ease and come around.
Best of lucks!
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A
male
reader, emad khan  +, writes (13 January 2008):
 Sounds like youre in a great situation...but take it slowly. Don't rush into things.The truth is, that you don't REALLY know this person yet. During this first year you should probably just enjoy things: See the world, travel, have a great time, etc... that way, when you guys have kids, and things get complicated you have great memories...love points in the love bank, if you will. Ultimately you'll have to find a way to keep that romance and passion throughout your relationship, though things are bound to change obviously...but back to the subject at hand. I wouldn't bring up anything too serious right now.. Take it easy, have fun, discover eachother, and if, after a year or maybe 2, you feel you can step it up a notch, go for it! another thing I read somewhere, was that, if someone doesn't trust in your love, it may be "that their own love is divided"- (from the end of sorrow- by Eknath Easwaran, the Bhagavad Gita for daily living) Not to make you insecure here, but there seems to be some issues ...another good reasonto take it slow. You like this girl, she likes you...don't fall in too deep, before realizing what you're getting into. Take care- good luck
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (13 January 2008):
 Keep a list of those sensitive issues which she does not like at the moment .You should not press those sensitive buttons or you will make her ballistic.
Don't talk about the future for she is not ready and it can confuse her or bring back those bad memories .
Recognize her moods and flow with her. Don't bring up contentious issues and issues which have no answers. Just leave them hanging in the air.
Just be with her whenever she needs you.
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